


Looking For A Reason

by DLSocMed



Category: Looking (TV)
Genre: M/M, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:59:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 59,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7599037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DLSocMed/pseuds/DLSocMed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I lasted all of one week before I caved in and started writing the voices in my head again. </p><p>####SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE MOVIE ####</p><p>This takes place over a year after the HBO Looking movie ended. Patrick left for Texas with Richie. Kevin left for London with Jon. But they are my OTP so how could I let them stay so far apart? </p><p>This will not make any sense if you do not know the show. I don't explain the history. If you want to know how I feel about Kevin, I wrote a whole story from his POV called 'How Did We Get Here'. </p><p>Also, this is M/M fan fiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Some things never change. The little skip of the heart, the breath that catches in the throat, the feeling that everything has slowed down just by a fraction, so that even the way he blinks is somehow more…

Kevin bit his lip as he tried to stop himself from grinning. The main thing that hadn’t changed was his propensity to become a ridiculously melodramatic twat where Patrick Murray was involved. Thankfully, he now knew when and how to put a brake on it.

Residual feelings were to be expected. He’d hardly be human if seeing Patrick didn’t invoke something in him. The key to handling this with any sort of dignity was to remember that Patrick was like crack. Having him might give you an incredible high, but the withdrawal was a fucking bitch.

He stood up as Patrick approached, letting himself smile warmly, putting out a hand in greeting, rocking back on his heels to ease his tension 

‘Hey.’

‘Hi.’

The handshake lasted just the right length of time. Friendly. Welcoming. Two mates meeting up after a long time, with a little bit of history, and some mutual affection. The following silence was predictably awkward though.

‘Well, maybe we should just sit down and order a drink or two or three cos I think we might need them.’ Kevin eventually laughed. 

‘Dutch courage?’

‘Wow. Good memory, Patrick.’

Patrick’s answering shrug was enough to break the ice for Kevin. Good. Avoiding any mention of the past was going to be stupidly difficult.

‘Thanks for meeting me. 

This time it was Kevin who shrugged in response. What was there to say? I didn’t really want to but it seemed stupid and petty not to? I don’t know why we couldn’t do this over a phone call but I was too curious to stay away? I sort of wanted to see what it would feel like seeing you again?

‘and…thanks for the whole recommendation thing.’ Patrick continued as they sat down. Kevin busied himself looking for a waiter. He really could do with a drink.

‘Kevin…’

‘No worries. I was happy to put in a good word.’ Kevin broke in. Patrick had that anxious, earnest expression on his face. No good had ever come of that. Kevin didn’t need or want Patrick’s gratitude. What he really needed and wanted was a drink.

‘I mean it.’ Patrick persisted. ‘You didn’t have to do that, and …’

‘Listen. They would have taken you on Owen’s word alone. They absolutely love him, and him vouching for you would have been enough. I just dotted the I’s and crossed the t’s. References don’t even mean that much.’

Patrick stared at Kevin in silence, eventually nodding his head, his hand fiddling with a coaster. Message seemed to have been received. This wasn’t such a big ask from Kevin. He would have done the same for any number of people he used to manage at MDG. And it was the truth too. Owen was a big shot at Kroma Tech and if he’d needed a bit of persuasion from Kevin to get over his abandonment issues, so what? It hadn’t taken more than a few minutes of Kevin’s time to remind him of all the reasons it made sense for Owen to take Patrick back. They were a fucking good team, and yeah, at the end it had got horribly screwed up, and deadlines had been missed, and management had come down hard on the team, and Owen had been caught in the fallout, but that was more Kevin’s fault than Patrick’s. And Owen had forgiven Kevin a long time ago. So…he’d needed to forgive Patrick too.

‘The job seems really exciting.’

Kevin laughed.

‘Then cheer the fuck up. You look like you’re about to face a firing squad.’

‘Well, after the last time we met…’ Patrick rolled his eyes dramatically.

‘I know. What can I say? Feelings were running high. You can just relax now though.’

Patrick exhaled. 

‘Thank you.’

‘And you can stop thanking me anytime now. Anyway, about the job, Owen’s the one that made this happen for you. And frankly he’s lucky to have you. They’re a smart bunch of visionary artists, but they don’t have a coding brain among them. Their stuff looks like freshmen on Adderall wrote it. They need you more than you need them, so…remember that.’

‘He let you look at their code?’

‘We’re not in competition. My company doesn’t do that shit.’

‘Right. He told me you do CGI special effects for ad agencies or something.’

Kevin nodded. OK. He was usually happy to sit and talk about work for hours, so if this was the direction the evening was going to take he might not actually need the three of four drinks he’d planned on guzzling….

‘Why did you leave London?’

….and…there it was.

‘I missed America.’

‘Really? But…had you ever spent time in New York before?’

Kevin shook his head. A slight reprieve as the waiter came to get their drink orders. The appeal of fiddling with a coaster was suddenly very clear.

‘I thought I’d give the East coast a try.’

‘And…Jon?’

‘He’s back in Seattle. He’s always loved it there.’

‘Oh.’ 

Indeed. Oh.

‘Actually funnily enough it was Owen that got me my job too. He told me about this company that was looking for a CTO when he found out I was moving back.   I was just going to go back to Seattle and MDG but…this seemed…exciting. Different. A challenge.’

‘Yeah, well. New York, right? What’s not to love?’

‘The astronomical rents? The crappy weather? The rude natives?’

Patrick laughed.

‘Yeah but…what about all the culture? The museums? The theatre?’

And it was Kevin’s turn to laugh.

‘Don’t you mean what about the restaurants? The take-out? The bars? The clubs?’

‘Oh I haven’t had time to explore any of those. I’m still trying to find which neighborhood I want to live in. The first thing I have to do is find something cheaper than renting an AirBnB room week after week.’

‘Well that’s the real beauty of New York.’ Kevin smiled. ‘You can make this city anything you want it to be. I’ve been here six months and I’m still finding new things every day to explore.’

‘So…we’re both strangers in New York.’ Patrick grinned, and then ever so slowly, Kevin watched the telltale signs overtake him. The compulsive swallowing. The shifting eyes. The hand rubbing his thigh. He used to be very good at reading the signs. Or at least he once thought he had been. He needed to remember that at the end of the day, he really hadn’t read Patrick well at all.

‘My boyfriend likes reminding me that I’m still a foreigner here whenever I start getting too cocky.’ Kevin chuckled.

That should help relax Patrick.

‘You have a boyfriend? Alrea…’ Patrick cut himself off. He took an overly long drink.

‘His name’s Ben. It’s casual.’ Kevin offered after a long pause. This was definitely going to be a three-drinks night. Minimum

‘So Jon’s definitely…’

‘Out of the picture.’ Kevin completed.

‘Can I ask…’

‘Why?’

‘Yeah.’

‘No. I mean, why are you asking?’

That seemed to fluster Patrick. Did he think he had a right to know? Patrick was never very good with boundaries. But then again, fucking your subordinate at work wasn’t a very good indication of knowing what line to cross either.

‘Did it have anything to do with…’

‘You?’

‘Kevin. Can you stop finishing my sentences?’ And now Patrick seemed annoyed.

‘I was going to ask if it had anything to do with the whole Seattle thing. I know how much Jon missed his family.’

‘I would have gone back to Seattle with him if he’d wanted me to. But he didn’t. He left me when we were in London. It seems he didn’t enjoy having all the power in the relationship as much as he thought he would. It wasn’t as much fun making me feel guilty as he’d envisioned.’

‘Oh. Wow.’

Making Patrick speechless was still a little thrill for Kevin. Again, some things never change.

‘Yeah. I know. It turns out it was our therapist that was keeping us together and as soon as we left him behind in SF Jon couldn’t quite remember why our relationship was worth working on.’

Patrick grimaced and they both took another long drink. Kevin could almost see the cogs in Patrick’s brain turning as he tried to process Kevin’s blunt admissions while figuring out what role he played.

‘Were you sad?’ Patrick asked. Quietly.

‘Relieved.’

‘You stayed with him out of…?’

Kevin waited for Patrick to finish his dangling question. Patrick just stared at him expectantly.

‘Now would be a good time for you to finish my sentence!’ Patrick exclaimed eventually.

Kevin grinned. Patrick always made him laugh.

‘Pick a reason. Any one will do.’

‘Well, I’m sorry if it ended badly. And I’m glad you weren’t hurt too much. And now…here you are…in New York. With Ben.’

‘It’s more like I’m in New York. And Ben is in New York. Actually he’s a native so he was here before me and he’ll be here after me. He’s never leaving the city. He thinks crossing the George Washington Bridge should require a passport.’

‘He sounds…opinionated.’ Patrick smiled weakly.

‘Yeah.’

‘He probably wouldn’t like me very much. Opinionated gays don’t tend to have a high opinion of me.’

‘Well, not when you steal their boyfriends.’ Kevin concurred.

Patrick sat back in his chair. Fuck. That wasn’t supposed to have happened.

‘Sorry Patrick. I didn’t mean…’

‘Richie left Brady without me asking him to. I didn’t steal anyone. I didn’t make him do anything.’

That statement annoyed Kevin. A lot. Too fucking much. It was time to step back before he was suddenly entangled in something he had no interest in anymore. It was obvious Patrick wanted to talk about Richie, but that didn’t mean Kevin had to oblige him. He’d apologized for being a dick, and that was all that needed to be said on the matter.

‘I said I was sorry. Old habits. Attacking you. Anyway…it’s none of my business. I heard about Richie and I’m sorry that didn’t work out. But it’s all part of the rich tapestry of life, or so I’ve been told, so…’ Kevin trailed off.

‘Can we be friends now?’ Patrick blurted out suddenly.

Kevin closed his eyes as he envisaged a line of shots in front of him. Time to move onto the hard stuff if he was going to get through this evening.

‘I think we already covered that.’

‘But that was over a year ago, Kevin. And so much has happened to both of us and we’re not the same people now. Right?’

Right. Kevin wasn’t the same person. He wasn’t in love with Patrick anymore. But he also wasn’t a fool. The very fact that he was sitting here, considering Patrick’s question seriously because he didn’t want to disappoint Patrick was warning enough that he shouldn’t be part of this in any shape or form.

So he needed to tell Patrick that they couldn’t be friends. That this was a really big city and they would probably never even have to see each other again. That Owen wasn’t enough of a link to bring them into each other’s orbit. That friendship was a terrible, stupid idea. He needed to tell Patrick all that.

‘Why friends?’ He said instead.

Patrick sighed. And it seemed that Patrick had indeed changed a little because he actually took a moment to think. A moment that felt very very long to Kevin.

‘Because…Because we liked each other. Before we…you know. We had fun. We were good together then. And honestly? It feels weird to know that you’re close by and we’d just…never see each other. As friends. I just want to see if we can do that. And if it’s horrible…then we just….stop.’

‘You really can’t stand it if someone doesn’t like you, can you?’ Kevin said in wonder. 

‘I don’t believe you don’t like me.’ Patrick answered quietly. 

‘You’re right. But you can’t stand it if someone doesn’t think highly of you. You need everyone’s good opinion.’

‘That’s not it Kevin. I told you, I’ve changed. I’m not trying to prove to you that you were wrong about the things you said, or to show you that I’m different. I AM different. I’m older and wiser, and hopefully you will see that, but this isn’t about ‘the Patrick show’. I promise. This is really, genuinely, an attempt to just get back a friend that I liked spending time with. Simple as that.’ 

When was anything ever simple with Patrick fucking Murray. 

Kevin raised his glass.

‘To friendship’ he said.

Patrick smiled. One hundred percent pure crack.


	2. Chapter 2

'Are you ok with people thinking we're a couple?'

Patrick looked at Owen fidgeting with his seatbelt. Who wore a seatbelt in the backseat of a taxi? He'd only been in New York one month to Owen's twelve, but he was already more comfortable with the chaos of the city than Owen ever would be.  Truth be told the chaos almost made him feel calm. Nothing inside of him could ever match the level of the city's manic energy, or the intensity of it's rhythms, or it's schizophrenically dizzy contradictions. This city made him look normal. But back to Owen's asinine point.

'Why wouldn't I be? And why would they think that anyway? Just because we're two guys together...'

'At a gay bar.'

'It's not a gay bar. It's a bar in Chelsea.' Patrick corrected him primly. 'Stop rolling your eyes.'

Owen had given up on the seat belt and was now just staring morosely out of the window. He couldn't make it more obvious how much he didn't want to be sharing this cab ride with Patrick. If anything, he was slightly overplaying his cards.

'I just don't want to cramp your style. Make you seem like a lesser gay cos I'm all you could get.' Owen's pointed irony was just more of the grumblings he'd been hearing all day from his reluctant 'date'.

'I told you you could bring Bethany.'

'Well then you should have picked a night that Bethany wasn't studying for mid-terms'

'I didn't pick the night. Kevin did. Ben's schedule is complicated' which was what Kevin told him every time Patrick made an attempt to see him. He'd been smart enough not to ask why they couldn't see each other without Ben. Patrick was pretty sure that if he so much as mentioned that as a possibility Kevin would run screaming as fast as he could. Kevin was positively skittish. Their first meeting had been both strangely comfortable and horrendously tense. Patrick had been expecting worse, but still, when Kevin had made that jibe about stealing Richie away from Brady...that had been like a punch to the gut. Homewrecker gay. He needed to keep a cool head. Kevin could push so many buttons and though he'd made huge strides these past few months in forgiving himself and moving on, he knew he could still be susceptible to Kevin's disdain. And Kevin seemed scared of him too. Jesus fuck they had messed things up.

'Ah, the life of a struggling artist. It always makes me happy to remember how lucrative monetizing your creative talent can be.' Owen was waxing lyrical.

'I'm not sure how much struggling there can be if he can afford to live in Manhattan.'

'Just promise me this isn't going to be a repeat of that epic Halloween night. In hindsight it all makes a lot more sense, but I don't want to be the grown up wrestling mad gays to the ground today.'

Patrick cringed at the memory. And also at Owen who was being extra douchey this evening. Bless him.

'Can you please stop using the word gay so much. And anyway, this isn't anything like that. I'm not drunk, I'm not bitter, I'm not heartbroken. I'm in a good place, Kevin has agreed to be friends, and the fact that he's introducing me to his boyfriend is a very adult, mature thing for us to be doing. So...stop acting like a drama queen.'

'Sorry. I forgot that was your role.' Patrick had to bite back his laughter. He shouldn't encourage Owen because the man lived to mock him.

'Really? Still?'

'Listen, I had to live through the nuclear meltdown at MDG and the fact that I agreed to ever work with you again means I deserve the fucking Nobel peace prize, so, snark is to be expected.'

'Noted. And...though a little late...sorry. About all of that. Even though it was two years ago and even though I actually had to literally live through it and you only had to stand by and watch it...' Patrick politely reminded his so-called friend.

'When are you going to meet some new people so I don't have to be your fag hag?' Owen whined.

'I never had one of those. Are you my fag stag?'

And so they continued, bickering and needling each other, until the cab came to a stop at the non-gay bar in Chelsea they were meeting Kevin at.

'Thanks.' Patrick said quietly as Owen paid the driver.

'You can get the return trip'

'I mean, for being so annoying. I think it worked.'

'You ready for this?' Owen asked. Patrick grimaced. Owen laughed and put his arm around Patrick's shoulders, dragging him into the bar.

_____________

Ben was a surprise. The anti-Jon. The anti-Patrick. He was beautiful in a very careless, rumpled, distracted way. He should have made Patrick feel 'less than', but he didn't. He really seemed oblivious to how magnetic he was and it didn't feel like false humility. He was just...cool.

And apparently clueless.

'So you guys dated? Was this before Jon?'

'Well...' Patrick looked to Kevin for guidance. Kevin just shrugged.

'It was DURING Jon. Don't look at me. That's pretty much all I know.' Owen jumped into the silence.

'I met Patrick just before Jon came down from Seattle and then I left Jon for Patrick, and then...Patrick left me, so Jon happened again. That's what he means by 'during'' Kevin summarized. Well. That was accurate at least.

'Oh. So just a brief fling then. Those can be delicious' Ben fluttered his eyelashes as he looked up at Kevin dreamily.

'I wouldn't say delicious exactly.' Kevin laughed, pushing Ben's face away with his palm.

'I'm surprised Kevin never told you.'

It took a moment for Ben to focus back on Patrick after laughingly pulling Kevin in for a kiss. His eyes were the absolute bluest Patrick had even seen. And they didn't seem to hold a trace of mockery in them as he addressed Patrick.

'We haven't really swapped stories of our sexual history.'

Ok. That was...one way to put it.

'Sexual? It was a little more than that!'

'More than sexual? That sounds like it must have been hard work. Why would you bother?' Ben frowned.

'He's kidding Patrick. He's teasing you. He does that. Don't take it personally.' Kevin laughed.

'He's right. I've got a big mouth and I say things for dramatic effect. I think that's why Kevin never introduces me to any of his friends.'

'Well that and the fact that you still use a flip phone from the 90s.'

'Oh. A Luddite. You must be a really great fuck for Kevin to put up with you.' Owen finally contributed to the conversation.

He seemed pretty pleased with himself. Kevin was biting his lip, probably to stop himself from laughing. Ben seemed delighted. Patrick was, almost, speechless.

'Wow. I didn't say that. It was him.' Patrick pointed at Owen.

'I was feeling left out.'

Ben's laugh was another surprise. Throaty, deep, and easy.

'No but really, we don't talk about the past much. I know about Jon cos I met him when he visited Kevin in New York. I'm not into looking back. I kind of feel that I want to live in the moment.'

'Yeah but...' Patrick hesitated for an instant. He didn't need to engage Ben in this. He could keep it light. Shrug it off. Or not. 'the past can tell us about the future too. Doesn't knowing about someone's past tell you about how they are who they are?'

'Sure, but...it can also get in the way of getting to know someone. Also, it doesn't give you much room to reinvent yourself if you keep having to lay out your past every time you meet someone.'

'You've done that? Re-invent yourself?'

'Fuck yes. I do it every time I take on a new role. I have to let myself be open and to not let my past experiences get in the way of new...'

'Please don't get him started on the craft of acting. Please please please.'

'Shut up Kevin.' Ben smiled at him. This must have been a regularly repeated prayer.

'No, it's fascinating.'  Patrick wouldn't let Kevin derail this much as he wanted the conversation about the past and mistakes and defining moments to end. 'It must be so freeing to not have to explain yourself every time you meet someone you might care about. I've pretty much spent most of my life apologizing for something I've done wrong in the past.'

'Why? Are you still doing those things?'

'No. But the things you've done leave a mark on others and you have to take responsibility for that and...'

'I'm not talking about that. If you've done something wrong you should apologize but then you just...leave it behind. If it's something you should let change you then make the change, and...move the fuck on.'

'Did I tell you Ben is an actor? And 'spiritual'?' Kevin broke in, air quoting his descriptions. Obviously done with the direction of the conversation.

'Oh please. You love my spiritual mumbo jumbo.'

'No. I love the massages you give me as part of the whole healing meditation be  one with your body and present in the moment crap. Other than that, I pretty much tune your bullshit out.'

'I don't think it's bullshit. I think he's right.' Patrick heard himself say.

Owen was predictably all over that in a second.

'Well that's cos you'd like to have to stop apologizing for all the shitty decisions you've made. And believe me Ben, there have been literally HUNDREDS of things Paddy has had to apologize for.'

'Ignore them.' Ben winked at Patrick. Wow. Was he already part of the inner circle? 'The haters just want to tear us down because they're too afraid to live in a world where they might actually not be defined by their failures OR their successes. Who would they be if not 'successful tech nerd with lots of money'?'

'He's got a point. I'm pretty much nothing without that according to my parents.' Owen agreed.

'So...how DO you define somebody?' Patrick tried to get the conversation back on track.

'Well...imagine you're writing a play...'

'Oh god. Shoot me now.' Kevin dropped his head into his hands.

'And you want to write a character that's Patrick...oh shit. I don't know your last name.'

'Murray. Patrick fucking Murray.' Kevin mumbled.

'Ok. So you're writing a character called Patrick Murray and he's going to do something in your play that's important. You need to create a character outline so your actor knows how to play the part. Is he anxious? Is he confident? Bold? Audacious? Timid? Romantic?'

'Can I tick all of the above?' Patrick laughed.

'Well since I don't know you, you can tick anything you like. But I do know Kevin, so let's say I was writing Kevin and I wrote on paper that he's a 35 year old homosexual from England who works with computers and lived in Seattle and San Francisco. That wouldn't tell you anything. That wouldn't describe Kevin. But instead if I told you he was confident, assured, intelligent, sexual, predatory...'

'Brilliant.' Kevin apparently had perked up enough to join the conversation.

'Modest.' Owen supplied helpfully.

'Physically perfect.' Kevin offered.

'A slave to outdated standards of beauty.' Ben threw back at him.

Patrick wanted this back on track. There was something just on the edge of his subconscious that was bothering him about this and he wanted to nail it down. It sounded like a reasonable proposition, that your past didn't get to define you, but it was also strangely...hollow. Rootless.

'Ok. I get that. But the past has to mean something. Even if it means you just have a curiosity and an interest in how the person you care about was formed, or was hurt, or was made happy...'

Ben shrugged, his interest in the subject seeming to wane. Kevin picked at his beer label.

'I kind of get Patrick's point. Doesn't the fact that Kevin lived with someone for over two years also tell you something? I mean, can you ignore that part of his past?' All eyes shifted to Owen. And then back to Ben. Even Kevin seemed curious by what might now be said.

'What does it tell me?'

'Well you might think that it meant he was looking for commitment. That he was mature...'

'Or that he settled? That he was scared of being alone?' Ben interrupted.

'Would you mind not discussing me as if I wasn't here, please.'

Everyone ignored Kevin.

'What about the fact that he was with me? Doesn't that say anything?' Patrick pressed on, catching Ben's attention again.

'That he likes cute boys with dimples and big eyes. What do you think it should tell me that I couldn't find out by spending time with him?'

'And the fact that he had an affair with him? With someone who worked for him? Doesn't that speak to judgment? Wouldn't you want to know that?'

The silence was deafening.

'Jesus Owen...' Patrick shook his head.

'Well, we're all thinking it.'

It looked like Ben was seriously considering answering the question Owen had thrown out there, but Kevin had obviously had enough.

'Alright. Hold on. Can I just call bullshit for a second. Another thing I should tell you about Ben here is that he is a complete shit-stirrer and loves the sound of his own voice. And that he only ever believes about half the things he's saying. And that the reason we don't talk about who I slept with in the past is because he's an actor and thus too much of a narcissist to care about anyone's past but his own. Which, I and probably his latest therapist can assure you, he is totally obsessed with.'

Ben was grinning at Kevin. None of this seemed to phase him. And why should it? Why should he care what some casual random friends of Kevin's thought of him?

A wave of exhaustion came over Patrick. Followed by what he now could recognize as fledgling anger. It used to feel like restlessness, like anxiety, but it wasn't. And this time it wasn't for himself either. Ben was great. Good fun. Amusing. Hot. But how much did he really care about Kevin? And how come Kevin didn't seem to care about that?

'So, this whole thing was bullshit?' Patrick asked Ben calmly.

'I'm not sure. I'm kind of playing with this idea. I like it though. It might have some merit.'

How delightful to come up with your own version of the world and then make it stick.

'Jesus.' Patrick chuckled. Kevin rolled his eyes.

'Patrick, are you still looking for the answer to all the big questions in life?'

'Actually Owen, I am. And in the spirit of Ben's new fledgling philosophy, I'm not going to apologize for it.' Patrick laughed. Owen saluted him with his beer, but pulled it back a second before Patrick could salute him with his own.

'But...I thought you'd finally found it in Texas.' Patrick blinked rapidly, staring at Owen. Talk about a shit-stirrer. If Patrick didn't know better he'd think that Owen was still harboring some enmity from back in the San Francisco days. Come to think of it...how much did Patrick really know?

'You lived in Texas?' That figured. Suddenly Ben was interested in his past.

'For about a year.'

'Jesus. What was that like? Is everyone uber-macho and carrying guns around?'

'For fuck's sake Ben.' Kevin murmured, concentrating on completing the necessary and vital task of peeling the label off his beer.

'What was in Texas?'

'Uhm...a guy.'

'Before or after Kevin?'

'Both?' Said with only the slightest hesitation. Patrick took a little pride in that.

'Why do I feel like I've been dropped into the middle of a soap opera here? NOW I'm interested.'

'Bloody typical.' Kevin shook his head.

'Well I'm sorry. I'm a story teller. I like a good story.'

'What's your story? How did you two meet?' Patrick asked. He'd learned to deflect. It still sometimes felt strange to move the focus onto someone other than himself but it had become one of his most valued and trusted escapes. He should have tried it years ago. And he knew it would work with Ben like a charm.

'In a bar I think? Or at a party?' Ben had that adorable confused look that Patrick imagined got him picked up and petted by any number of strong macho gays.

'Both. At a party in a bar. He chatted me up and took me home. I was drunk and he took advantage of me.'

'He gives great head. And I love holding his ears. Am I right?' Ben beamed at Patrick.

'Oh god.' Patrick had to admit defeat. Ben was the happiest, most well-adjusted, least hung-up gay sprite in New York. And Kevin seemed content to be a bystander in the Ben show. Well, whatever mistakes he was making at least he wasn't repeating old ones.

'Yeah I think this is why the whole fag hag thing might work out better than the fag stag. Cos if I were a woman the thought of Kevin having given you both blow jobs might be appealing, but right now, I'm just feeling kind of...violated.'

Ben laughed as he leaned over to kiss Kevin.

\----------------------------

The cab think hadn't worked out. Bethany called needing Owen. A crisis with their hole-in-the-wall priceless condo in Brooklyn.

Ben had a 'thing' to go to. Clubbing. Neither Kevin or Patrick took him up on the offer to accompany him. They both had jobs to get to in the morning.

Kevin offered to walk Patrick to the subway. Patrick pretended that he'd actually take the subway rather than hail an uber as soon as Kevin left him.

So here he was, sauntering slowly along 8th avenue, wondering how he was going to broach the subject he wanted to talk about with Kevin. Kevin knew him too well for him to try the subtle approach. Patrick shivered slightly in the cooling night air. There were only a handful of people in the world that Patrick could say that of. And Kevin was one of them. That was pretty fucking surreal.

'I like Ben. He's funny. And, of course, cute.'

'He's alright. He's fun to have around most of the time.'

Patrick grimaced, stopping them both by catching Kevin's elbow.

'God. That sounds horrible. You've got to get a better line than that. "Here's Ben, my boyfriend. Fun to have around most of the time.''' He laughed to take the sting out of the words.

'He'd say the same about me. Which works out very well. When we feel like it, we hang out with each other. When we're not feeling it together, we hang out with other people.'

'Oh. That's what you meant by casual.' Patrick resumed walking.

'Yep.'

'Not exclusive.'

'Not exclusive. Not serious. No expectations. Fun.'

'Was that mutual?' Patrick regretted the words as soon as he said them. Kevin didn't skip a beat.

'No Patrick. I stole his heart and then told him I wanted to fuck other people'

'Jesus Kevin. You really are still a cunt sometimes.' If Kevin wasn't listening very very carefully, he would not have heard Patrick's whisper. He was listening.

'More like a lot of the time. And anyway, it's none of your business.'

'Ok. That's fair. It's just that....'

'It proves you were right? Sure. If you like.'

Patrick stopped walking. Kevin didn't. And then he did. Kevin turned on his heels and walked back to the waiting Patrick.

'It's never really far from the surface with us, is it?'

'I told you this friend thing was a stupid idea.' Kevin shrugged.

'I still don't agree. I have a good time with you. I care about you. And whether you believe it or not I wasn't implying that you being in an open relationship now had anything to do with our relationship in the past. The way you spoke about Jon made it sound almost like you had given up. Like you felt you deserved nothing other than what he gave you and I wanted to make sure that this now was what you really wanted.'

'That's sweet. But I don't believe you. You say you've changed but I don't think you have. And so the idea of Ben makes you happy. That I ended up in a casual, open relationship with someone who obviously doesn't care about me enough to know who I've loved in the past...it's like all your dreams come true.'

The venom was hard to swallow. Patrick took a moment to compose himself. Breathe, he reminded himself. Feelings can't hurt you, unless you let them.

'Why do you think I hate you?'

'Oh you don't hate me. That's too strong a word. I'm just that rather unpleasant chapter in your life that you still need to apologize for and justify. A slip in 'judgment'. Ben fits the narrative well. I knew you'd like him.'

'Was I really that big of a judgmental prick that you'd think that of me now? Wait...don't answer. I probably was.' Patrick was weary. He should just call for an uber now and stop pretending that he knew what he was doing. Stop pretending that he was remotely in control of how this was going. But not until he said what he wanted to say.

'I'm sorry. Did I ever tell you that? Not for leaving. But...for the way I...'

Kevin stared. No expression on his face. Patrick didn't even know how to finish the sentence he'd left dangling in the face of such indifference.

'You can't be sorry if you don't even know what for.'

'I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry that I didn't even know I was doing that. I'm sorry that I didn't believe you loved me because I thought I knew what love was.'

'Can we stop doing this?' Not so indifferent now. Not amused. Not even angry. Something that Patrick remembered seeing in Kevin only a handful of times before. Something that looked like panic.

'Kevin...'

'Look. Let's try to really be friends, okay? Not ex-lovers who need to explain and rehash and understand. Our versions of what happened will never agree. But as friends, that doesn't matter. So if you're serious about being friends, and if you're sure this isn't you just trying to get some fucking closure so you can not feel shitty about yet another thing that you did in the past, then let's just draw a line under this whole thing, admit that we will never trust each other again and get to together for a beer occasionally.'

'I am serious about being friends. And for what it's worth...I do trust you.'

'Patrick...'

'It's ok. You don't believe me. I know words won't change that.'

'Listen to me. I'll be your friend because finally for some god forsaken reason you've decided to do the opposite of running away from a difficult situation. But there are rules. Don't go digging. Don't look for answers, and don't ask for explanations. You. Don't. Have. The right. Can you live with that?'

'Yes'. Lying was pretty easy. Because Patrick knew he was going to break every rule. And Kevin probably knew it too. He knew Patrick very well after all.

He probably even knew why Patrick needed to make this friendship work so badly.

Maybe Patrick should ask him, because he wasn't too sure himself.


	3. Chapter 3

'You need to find more friends.'

'I have friends.' Patrick didn't even bother looking up at Owen as he ate his noodles. They'd had this conversation so many times already it was like their own stand-up routine. 

'I don't mean my friends. You have to find your own.'

Patrick decided that this particular comment deserved a stare and a raised eyebrow.

'Believe me, your friends like me a lot more than they like you.'

Owen didn't waste any time refuting Patrick's observation.

'That's not the point. The point is if you're intending to stay here, you have to meet people of your own...community.'

'You are such a homophobe.' Deflection. It had stopped working with Owen a few weeks back but it was also worth a try, just in case.

'When was the last time you went on a date?' Owen was on a mission it would seem. Patrick prayed that Bethany, dear, sweet, calm, lovely Bethany, would walk in to her kitchen this very minute and save him from Owen's determined time-to-sort-Patrick-out campaign. Bethany had a soft spot for him. She always defended him against Owen. She really was far too good for him. But in her absence from the kitchen table, Patrick was going to have to give Owen an answer he would find acceptable.

'I'll have you know, last Saturday I had a very delightful evening with a beautiful young man from Ecuador.' Where 'delightful' meant multi-orgasmic episodes of fucking and rimming and sucking, 'evening' meant six hours, and 'beautiful young man' meant a total stud with hard muscles, satin skin and a huge cock.

'And when are you seeing him again?'

'It wasn't that kind of date.' Patrick smiled fondly, in remembrance. 

Owen didn't seem amused.

'Exactly. I know you're getting your dick sucked regularly, but what about actually getting to know someone you might want to spend time with. Or even just finding a buddy you can go to movies with. Or those museums you keep swearing that you're going to get to.'

Jesus. He wished he'd never mentioned the fucking museums. Owen never let that go. Probably because Owen hadn't stepped foot in one himself since coming to New York over a year ago and wanted to continually remind an admittedly patronizing Patrick of how he was NOT more sophisticated or cultured or worldly. Saying you wanted to go to a museum was not the same as actually going to one, Owen liked to point out. 

But Patrick had an ace in the hole today. 

'I actually had brunch with Melissa this very morning, before we went looking for vintage tableware or something for her sister's bridal shower. You can't get more buddy-like than that. And we had fun too.' He pointed his fork smugly at Owen. 

'Melissa is great. I love Melissa. She also happens to be Bethany's best friend. Can you stop stealing our friends please?'

'Listen, if you want me to stop hanging out here...' Patrick raised his hands in surrender.

'I do. I really do.' Owen jumped in. A little too eagerly. Which was bullshit and had to be called out as such.

'Well then...stop inviting me over! And don't pretend you're doing me a favor.' 

'Don't listen to him Patrick. He'd be lost without you.' Bethany patted Patrick on the shoulder fondly as she glided into the kitchen, grabbed a take-out container of noodles and smacked Owen on the head.

'Thanks Bethany.' Patrick beamed at her. She was the best.

'And Melissa thinks you're adorable and wishes I was living with you rather than with Owen cos she thinks he's a miserable dick-head.'

Just the fucking best.

'See?' Patrick smiled smugly as Bethany glided back out again.

'Shit. I have to find new friends.'

Patrick reached over to pat Owen consolingly on his arm. And to steal a dumpling from his plate.

'Cheer up. Once the bar exams are over you'll probably get to see your girlfriend again. Maybe even have sex once a month if you're lucky.'

'I'd just settle for her being able to pay half the rent once in a while.' Owen rolled his eyes, sitting back in his chair and contemplating his empty plate glumly.

'She'll probably make partner within 5 years and you can retire from the backbreaking game design business.' 

Owen snorted.

'Right. That's not happening. She was telling me she's really getting excited about clerking for a judge and moving into public defense.'

'Oh my god! That's fantastic. That's so....noble.' A champion of the common people as well as Patrick's own personal cheer-leader. How had miserable, sarcastic, bitter, neurotic, Owen ended up with such a gem? 

'Yeah. Hey Bethany, didn't you lure me to New York with the promise of  keeping me in the style i wanted to be accustomed to?' Owen shouted out to the living room where Bethany had her books sprawled and was apparently camping out twenty four hours a day studying.

'Stop complaining. You love New York.' She shouted back.

Owen shrugged and nodded his head sagely at Patrick.

'I do. I really do.' He admitted.

'And look! New York brought us back together again. They said we would never last, but here we are, re-united and it feels so good.' Patrick couldn't help but add, knowing it would engender some horrible put down that would show how little Owen gave a shit about Patrick, despite consistently asking him over to help him while away the lonely hours as Bethany disappeared into bar exam hell. 

But Owen surprised him. Deviated a little from the expected script. It seemed his concern over Patrick's personal life actually outweighed his desire to score put-down points. And that was mildly alarming.

'You would have been just as happy back in SF. Probably happier. Agustin and Dom would have been a whole hell of a lot happier too I imagine.'

Well, that was from left field.

'Jesus.' Patrick sat back, surprised and a little confused. They hadn't spoken about San Francisco since Patrick had first contacted him about looking for a job anywhere BUT back in California.  'I couldn't go back there. Not yet anyway.' And at Owen's expression which seemed to imply he was getting ready to challenge Patrick on this, Patrick rushed in to deflect...again. 'And Agustin and Dom are happy that I'm here now and not in Texas anymore. They have an excuse to come visit.'

'You need to find another Agustin in your life.' Owen said quietly. 

'There is only one Agustin. The world couldn't handle two. And anyway, I think you do a very good job of being his replacement. You mock me, feed me, entertain me...'

'Yeah, but he'd know how to tell you to stop hanging around with Kevin in a way that you'd actually listen to.' Owen broke in. Not messing around.

Shit. Patrick had thought this conversation had been tabled.

'Wow. Really? I thought you wanted me to have friends.' he pushed back. 

Owen didn't bat an eyelid, just kept staring at him with his flinty cold eyes. The bastard.

'Don't look at me like that! We are just friends.'

'Why?'

Patrick looked up at the ceiling, praying for patience.

'You keep asking me that...'

'And until you give me an answer that isn't some variation on the bullshit about enjoying his company, I'll keep asking you that.' Owen snapped.

'I've only seen him a handful of times. It's not like we're bosom buddies or anything.' Patrick started to explain for the hundredth time.  'And anyway, why does it bother you that I DO see him?'

'Because it's weird.' Owen exclaimed, his body moving forward, his elbows landing on the table as he let his frustration show. 'It doesn't make any sense. Look, I never understood your relationship to begin with. One minute you're colleagues, the next you've been having an affair and then you move in one day and out the next...I mean...it was a fucking train wreck. Why are you putting yourself and him through this?'

And wasn't that just the question. 

How could Patrick explain the conflicting feelings and thoughts that kept pushing him to somehow get something resolved, something communicated between him and Kevin. He barely understood it himself. There were just vague impulses that he had that were beginning to form into something clearer, but he knew better now than to just jump in with the first and easiest answer he could find. He had learnt a little about patience and self-awareness these past two years to know that he really didn't know what he was doing yet. And that was ok. He just needed to find a way to explain that to Owen.

'I wasn't fair to him. I owe him...'

'Patrick, he doesn't seem to want anything from you. Whatever you feel you owe him, he's not looking to collect.' Owen cut him off bluntly. Wow. That was...direct. And he wasn't finished yet it would seem. 'Why are you insisting on dragging this thing out?'

Patrick took a calming breath. Owen's words had hit him unexpectedly hard. Kevin didn't want anything from him. It wasn't as if he didn't know that already but it was a bit of a slap in the face to hear someone else say it like that. So baldly. But...

'Did he say something to you?' Patrick couldn't help but ask.

'No. He's never spoken about you to me except when I told him that you'd reached out asking about work here and I wanted to know what his opinion was. That was the only time he's ever mentioned you and all he said was basically to forget about the last few weeks at MDG and remember that you were a fucking excellent coder who I actually was able to put up with unlike most of the people I work with on a daily basis.'

'Oh.' Patrick wasn't sure how he felt about that. He knew Kevin had been the one to persuade Owen to give him a chance, and he knew Kevin and Owen had formed an unlikely friendship, albeit a mostly silent beer-drinking one, based on the fallout of Patrick's departure. So...how privy was Owen to Kevin's real feeling on the matter?

As if Owen read his mind, he continued, hitting that damned exposed nerve.

'Do you think he's pining for you? And even if he was, are you that big of a dick that you'd revel in it and rub his face in it when you have no intention of ever doing anything about it?'

Jesus. That was low. He'd been shitty to Kevin in hindsight...but to think that he'd take pleasure in that...

I'm not looking to hurt him, if that's what you're asking.' Patrick answered quietly. 'And since when did you become his defender anyway? He's old enough to...'

'I like him Patrick.' Owen said simply. 'He's a decent guy. After you left and the shit hit the fan with HR and the project delays, he looked out for me. He was a fucking wreck but he didn't let the fact that I was your friend get in the way of being decent and making sure that the whole team didn't suffer because of the shit show the two of you put on. So just...don't fuck it up. Or him up.'

Patrick looked down at his plate, biting his lip. 

Fuck it. If Owen was looking to understand, Patrick would be only too happy to unload his emotional confusion on him and see if he could make any sense of it.

'There's just something unresolved.' Patrick shrugged. 'I don't know exactly what it is. Everything happened so fast and I was so sure I knew how I felt about him and about us and I left to get myself sorted and then Richie and I happened and now...when I heard what he did for me...persuading you to give me the job...it's just...you're right. It's weird. He should hate me and he doesn't. He still loved me a year ago, after I treated him as if he was...' He ran out of steam as he looked at Owen. 

'Hey. It's ok. Look, I'm not good at this. I'm a guy, I haven't acknowledged a feeling since I hit puberty...this is more in Bethany's wheelhouse...' Owen sighed, as he sat back. This had obviously got a little more real than he was expecting. 

'No. It's ok. I'm not doing a good job of explaining because it's complicated. But...it's... just the way he spoke about himself.' Patrick pressed on. Talking this stuff out helped him pull the strands of his thoughts together.  'As if he became the person I accused him of being and now just doesn't seem to care about anything...it fucking kills me. I mean, did I do that to him? Did I make him feel so shitty about himself that he let Jon walk all over him and now is hanging around with a guy that gives him the crumbs from his table rather than...'

'I think he likes Ben.' Owen interrupted.

'Of course he likes Ben. I like Ben. Everybody likes Ben. Ben is a great guy. And Ben likes Kevin but Ben also likes a lot of other boys, probably just as much.'

'If that's what Kevin wants...'

'Is it though? Or is it just what he thinks he deserves?' Patrick asked quietly.

Owen stayed silent for a moment, staring at Patrick as if he was trying to solve a puzzle. Good luck to him. Plenty had tried, Patrick thought to himself glumly.

'Jesus christ. You're trying to 'rescue' Kevin?' Owen said eventually, leaning back towards Patrick, a look of growing dismay on his face. 'You think you cast him into the deep pits of despair and you're riding in on your white horse to, what, pull him out? Set him straight? And then?'

'I'm not...'

'Don't you see that even if any of what you said is true, you're the last person on this earth that should be saving him? You're toxic to him Patrick. He has a weakness for your neediness and drama and...'

Hold. The fuck. On. 

A lot of what Owen had to say was valid and couldn't be disputed, but this wasn't fair. Toxic? Fucking toxic?

'I'm not like that anymore!' Patrick exclaimed. 'You know that. You've seen me these past few months. I've worked on myself and you've seen that. I know you have.'

'Yeah. You're right.' Owen admitted, nodding his head, but still...he now seemed as confused as ever about what to say or do. 'You're definitely a more zen-like version of the Patrick I knew two years ago. But if you're being Kevin's friend to show him that you don't think the things he thinks you think of him, wouldn't it just be easier to apologize and be done with it?'

'He won't LET me!' Patrick practically shouted. That was the whole fucking problem! How did you apologize to someone who didn't believe you had any self-awareness or thought every word you said was self-serving and motivated by the desire to justify...'He doesn't believe me anyway. He doesn't trust me. I really think that if I show him that I see him for who he is, maybe he'll trust in that?' Patrick was practically pleading for Owen to agree with him. 

But Owen fell silent again. Just looking at Patrick with that worried, faintly panicked look in his eyes that warned the sharing had gone too far. 

Maybe Owen was right. Maybe Patrick did need to find an Agustin again. But he couldn't stop quite yet. 

'Shit. I don't know what I'm doing. I just know I can't stop. I hate that he believes I might have been right about him and it kills me that he he doesn't just tell me to fuck off because I was a stupid immature brat and he can't stand the sight of me. Does that make sense?' Patrick laughed humorlessly.

'Nope. Not one bit.' Owen shook his head.

This time Patrick's laugh was more genuine.

'Thanks.' 

'Just...be careful. Okay?' Owen said resignedly. 'I don't want you to have to leave New York and find a yet another new state to live in because of some stupid implosion between the two of you.' and then...because that sounded too much like Owen might care about what happened to Patrick, he added, 'You know too much about the architecture and design of the game. It would be a total pain in my ass to have to find someone to replace you now.'

Patrick smiled at Owen and then quickly suppressed that tender emotion. Owen wouldn't like it. So he smirked instead. 

'I'm deeply touched.'

'I don't want to know about your sexual perversions, Patrick.'...and...there it was. Owen's comfort zone. 

Patrick's phone buzzed with an incoming message. Owen took that as a reprieve and got up to throw out the take-out trash, which was good because he would not have liked the blush that Patrick could feel coming over his face as he read Kevin's message.

'what was the name of the restaurant we went to the first day your arm was out of sling'

Oh. That had been the day that Kevin had pushed him down over the kitchen table and fucked him. 

'why?' he answered, his fingers trembling slightly.

'friend of bens asking recommendations visiting sf'

Patrick chewed his lip as he considered his reply.

'are you out now?'

There was a pause as Patrick watched the little dots dancing on his phone.

'out drinking dancing. fun club. want to join?'

That was the first time Kevin had been the one to initiate. Kevin must be drunk. Patrick's heart began to beat a little faster. 

'sure. where?'

'Shall we rent a movie?' Owen asked as he sat back down across from Patrick, opening up a beer and handing one to Patrick.

'Uhm...I might do that thing you suggested.' Patrick answered nervously, putting his unopened beer down. 'You know, go to an establishment populated with people of my own community. It is Saturday night after all.'

Owen stared at him, and then glanced down at Patrick's phone. He sighed as he shook his head.

'Be careful.' 

Patrick got up and pulled his stuff together, avoiding Owen's eyes. Eventually he stood there with his jacket on, patting his full pockets. He drew a breath and faced Owen.

'It'll be alright, Owen. No one's getting hurt.' 

And slowly, Patrick turned to go and join Kevin and his friends for the night.


	4. Chapter 4

Kevin Matheson wasn't his usual type of long term hookup. Ben was typically drawn to a slightly more brooding and intense character, so he had been somewhat surprised when the one night stand he'd taken home had turned into something a lot more intriguing and captivating.

Kevin laughed so easily, and never seemed to take anything seriously. He laughed at himself, he laughed at his big ears, he laughed at his materialism, his desire for new and shiny things...nothing was off limits with this guy. And he was completely drama free. No expectations, no demands...if Ben wanted to get together and Kevin was free, they would just arrange a time and place and after sharing food, would get down to what they both loved most. Sex. Amazing sex. And lots of it.

Kevin never even asked to stay over. It had been Ben who'd suggested that he not bother leaving in the middle of the night, since it was a weekend and he had nothing planned...that had been the first time they'd done something non-sexual together. A brunch, strolling around some art galleries, shopping for sunglasses. Ben had suggested they stop off at a farmer's market to pick up something for lunch but Kevin had shrugged and said he wasn't into that. 

'Farmer's markets or eating?' Ben had teased him.

'Farmer's markets. Overrated.' He'd said bluntly. And Ben had backed down. 

That was the thing about Kevin. Nothing was off limits in the ordinary way they might be with someone, but there were these strange fault lines that Ben sometimes stumbled over, which totally shut Kevin down. He'd still smile, he's still laugh, but within five minutes he'd be fidgeting and suddenly remembering he had something important to do and he'd be off.

That was okay though. Everyone had a past and it was usually pretty boring and predictable. This was all obviously due to some past relationship, and eventually a name was put to it when Kevin's long-term ex, Jon, had stopped over in New York and Kevin had asked Ben to join them for dinner. 

And it was indeed as strange as it sounded. He'd known Kevin for all of two months, in which time they'd fucked plenty and begun to enjoy each other's company more and more...but they were in no way in a typical relationship. He occasionally referred to Kevin as his boyfriend because it was easier than calling him a fuckbuddy, but if Kevin was trying to show his ex that he'd moved on and was deliriously happy, it was the totally wrong move. They didn't know each other nearly well enough to pull of a 'we're in love' plot line.

It became obvious however, as the evening progressed, that Kevin wasn't remotely interested in having Jon think he was happily in love. If anything, he seemed very keen for Jon to appreciate the complete lack of depth of their relationship, and Jon seemed inordinately delighted that Kevin was as shallow as he was pretending to be. 

Jon was not the love of Kevin's life. That was crystal clear. 

Everything became less clear when he found out after the dinner that it was Jon who had dumped Kevin. He would have sworn by the way they acted that Jon was the one who had been hurt and was holding on to some sort of righteous anger and resentment. Kevin offered no explanations though, and frankly, Ben's motto in life was not to dig where he wasn't welcome.

His acting was the most important thing to him, and he would mine people's lives and histories when it would help him explore some aspect of a role he had to play..but in general, people's pasts were not that interesting.

Whatever had happened to Kevin and Jon in London was really none of his business. And if Kevin sometimes seemed a little pensive, a little withdrawn, that was his right and he didn't need to share anything with anyone. Sharing was vastly overrated.

Ben actually loved his arrangement with Kevin. He had a reliable source of excellent sex and good company when he craved it, and he had the freedom to explore any feeling and any situation and anybody he found himself with. No questions asked. And it wasn't even kink. Kevin didn't ask details about his hookups, or ever ask to watch or be included. He just...didn't seem to care. Totally delicious. 

Ben's friends were predictably jealous. He was known for being a bit of a slut, and he wore that badge proudly, having fought hard to be able to live the life he wanted without worrying about other people's judgements. But now he'd somehow become involved with this strangely cool, nerdy, slick, rich techy guy, who seemed to indulge his every whim. His friends thought Ben had Kevin wrapped around his little finger. They didn't realize that Kevin's life would be no different after Ben had passed through it, because Kevin kept everyone outside a little barrier he'd set up around himself. Little, but impenetrable. Ben didn't bother explaining that to his friends though. They'd think Kevin was cold. Unfeeling. Which he wasn't. He was just...unavailable.

Except to Owen. Owen seemed an exception. And it was more than the fact that Owen had apparently reached out and hooked Kevin up with his current job when Kevin was making his way back from London.  And it was more than the fact that they could sit around and talk for mind-numbingly boring hours about computers, and games and coding styles, and trends, and other crap that was of no interest to normal human beings.

No...there was a curious fondness there. Owen was a difficult person to like. Abrasive, sarcastic, always needing to have the last word, impatient with people less smart than him. But he treated Kevin so carefully. So respectfully. As if Kevin was fragile, when Kevin seemed like one of the strongest people Ben had ever met. Certainly he was one of the most self-contained and self-content. That whole thing was a mystery and one that had sparked a little bit of curiosity, but...Kevin just brushed that off. Nothing to it apparently. They'd bonded over hard times back in San Francisco. Some work shit. Another fault line Ben knew not to cross.

All the various pieces of Kevin's life suddenly fell into place when Ben met Patrick though.

Ahhh Patrick. Sweet, lovely, sexy, wholesome Patrick. Who reduced Kevin to a silent mass of vibrating sexual tension. And misery.

Jon resented Kevin because of Patrick. Kevin had a lifetime of guilt to offer Jon because of Patrick. Owen protected Kevin because of Patrick. Kevin built an impenetrable wall, because of Patrick fucking Murray.

If Ben hadn't genuinely cared about Kevin's well-being he might find this all too delicious. But he did care. Enough at least to not want Kevin hurt. And it seemed that Patrick's very presence in New York was hurting Kevin. Or at least, Patrick's strange insistence on being in Kevin's life in New York was hurting him.

'Do you still love Patrick?' Ben asked Kevin the day after they'd met Patrick in the night club.

Kevin had seemed to consider the question carefully, which might make someone think that what he was about to say next would be the truth.

'No. Not any more' Kevin had replied thoughtfully.

But it wasn't. 

Of course love came in many forms and maybe what Kevin felt for Patrick now wasn't the love he'd felt for him once, but the man certainly was not indifferent to him.

The next time the three of them had met up had been a week later. Patrick had apparently been pestering Kevin to take him to a restaurant they'd casually mentioned at the bar, as having the best sushi that didn't require a second mortgage to buy. Patrick was a foodie. Obsessed with eating, Kevin explained to Ben. Ben had shrugged and suggested they take Patrick together, since Kevin was obviously not keen on facing his kryptonite unprotected.

Patrick was completely charming. Funny, neurotic, full of stories of how he was or was not settling into New York. He was the butt of his own jokes and would have had Ben gladly eating out of his hand, or any other body part he was offering, if Ben wasn't so acutely aware of how hard Kevin was working to remain totally in control and unconcerned. He laughed at all the right places in Patrick's stories, he offered up advice and thoughtfully brought Ben into the conversation when Patrick was telling them about the hardships he was going through in finding affordable housing in a neighborhood that was 'gay, but not too gay'. All perfectly pleasant and affable, except...Patrick would smile too hard in Kevin's direction, and his eyes would search his face constantly as if looking for clues as to what Kevin was thinking and feeling, and meanwhile, Kevin was constantly deflecting and reconstructing his walls twice as thick, twice as high, twice as impenetrable...yet the walls kept crumbling. When Patrick got up to go the bathroom, Kevin's eyes were glued to the departing figure, and as soon as he was out of sight, Kevin's whole body crumpled in on itself and seemed to shrink to half it's normal size. Ben had put a hand out to touch Kevin in some gesture of solidarity...but Kevin shook his head quickly, biting his lip. 

Ben pulled his hand back, but he moved a little closer. Kevin needed something, even if he didn't know what it was or wouldn't admit to it. So Ben would offer him a little discreet comfort.

And so it went on.

Kevin used Ben's erratic schedule to put off the eager Patrick as much as he could, and Ben was happy to be used. After all, he used Kevin when he needed some intense sexual relief, or a non-actor human to talk to, so..fair was fair. And frankly, the sex was off the charts hotter since Patrick's arrival.

Kevin had always been adventurous and, thankfully, versatile, but whatever demons he was trying to exorcise by fucking for longer, harder, with doubled intensity and triple the aggression...Ben was grateful to them. Because lord, the man could fuck. And he was inspired. Every surface of both their apartments was well used and ultimately ranked for fuckability. Ben's favorite was the sofa in Kevin's apartment. It was comfortable to be bent over, just the right height. Kevin seemed to really like the island in Ben's tiny apartment. Ben could only imagine that Patrick hadn't been much of a cook.

And the meetings they couldn't avoid took on a familiar pattern. Eating at a restaurant where they'd catch up on news, talk a lot about work, never mention San Francisco or Jon or affairs or Texas, and then onto a bar or a club, where they would drink, Kevin would grow increasingly morose as Patrick would try to cajole him into dancing, Patrick would eventually give up and dance with Ben while Kevin brooded quietly, and then eventually Kevin would give a signal and Ben would make their apologies, hint that they were going home to have wild monkey sex, Patrick's face would strain though a fake smile, and the evening would be over.

Kevin perversely seemed to find some relief when Patrick's name began to be heard among the clubs and bars they went to with Ben's friends. Apparently he was getting around a bit. Becoming known as a bit of a flirt. A player. Up for a good time. People liked him. Boys liked him. Men liked him even more. But apparently he was into twinks. He liked the upper hand. Literally and figuratively. 

Ben had watched Kevin with some caution when the first twink was retelling his story of a wild night with this new tech guy, Patrick something, who apparently was really into anything oral, and gave great head and rimmed him for 'hours'. Kevin didn't even know Ben was watching him. And anyway, he wasn't that great an actor. He wouldn't have been able to pull off a look of such relief if he hadn't felt it all the way in his bones.

But he was a fool. Did he think that Patrick fucking other guys meant that he wasn't gunning for Kevin? For such a smart man, Kevin could be very very dumb. It seemed that he was having a very hard time reading the young Mr. Murray.

Now why Patrick was chasing him so doggedly was a very interesting question in and of itself. Ben wasn't sure of the answer to that, and that was intriguing. Of course Kevin was gorgeous and sexy...but...Patrick was eating up gorgeous and sexy left, right and center according to the chatter. And it wasn't strictly romantic either. There seemed to be a slight wariness in Patrick, as if he wasn't too sure if he liked Kevin or not. Or maybe more...that he was scared of him? 

Sometime it was best to just straight up ask, but since he was in Kevin's 'camp', he couldn't 'out' Kevin by asking Patrick. So...he needed to ask Kevin why Patrick was so fixated on him. God...this was so high school. Also, the question needed to be timed right. Timed for when Kevin was relaxed and de-stressed. So Ben waited until Kevin had given himself and Ben a lovely, mind-altering orgasm and they were lying together sweaty and exhausted on Ben's bed. Location was strategically planned of course, because Ben wanted to give Kevin the chance to be able to get up and walk out if this was too difficult for him. He wasn't looking to add to Kevin's obvious distress. Kevin was too good of a friend of that. 

'Hey Kevin?' Ben asked casually, running his finger over one of Kevin's delicious biceps. 'Why is Patrick so determined to be your best buddy?' 

Kevin had sighed, and pushed Ben off him. But...he hadn't got out of the bed.

'He's lonely. Patrick always needs people around him. And he doesn't like change so people he already knows are the people he chooses.'

'Well...ok. But...if he doesn't like change, how come he's lived in three different cities in the past two years? Denver, Dallas and New York...that doesn't sound like someone who doesn't like change or challenge.'

Kevin had just shrugged. Ben tried again.

'He must see that you don't really want to hang out with him that much. Why is he so insistent. Is he still in love with you?'

Kevin snorted at that.

'God no. He never was in love with me. You're barking up the wrong tree, Ben.'

Interesting. Didn't sound right. 

'What tree should I be barking up?'

Kevin had turned to look at him then, and Ben got the feeling that he was finally going to get the answer he was looking for. The truth.

'He wants absolution. Something must have happened in Texas with...Richie...that's made him feel the need to revisit all his old relationships. It's like an alcoholic with a 12 step program. This is his 'make amends' step. He wants me to be alright. He wants not to have ruined my life. He wants to see me happy. And maybe he wonders a little now if he was wrong about me and he'd sold me short.'

Fuck. 

'That's my take on it anyway. I'm not going to ask him because if I get sucked into his life I don't know how to say no to him.' Kevin had continued quietly, staring at the ceiling.

'I think you're a really good man, Kevin Matheson, if that makes any difference.' Ben had whispered quietly as he'd wrapped himself around Kevin's tense body.

'Thanks' Kevin had whispered back. But he hadn't believed Ben. 

And ultimately Ben wasn't up for taking on the role of healing wounded spirits. At least not with patience and kindness. Sometimes people needed a shove and a push. Sometimes people needed to deal with their crap and not avoid it. Kevin was deep into avoidance. 

Subtlety should be reserved for the stage and screen. In real life, people didn't work well with metaphors and similes. There was no point in showing Kevin gentle images of self-acceptance, of whispering affirming words of strength and inner peace. The man needed to be kicked in the ass and told to get on with his life. Told to take what he wanted from it and stop waiting to be given crumbs from anyone else's table.

Ben had never imagined himself meddling and interfering in any one's life but his own. That and his career and fucking took up most of his energy. But Kevin was worth it. Kevin had been a good friend to him. A reliable fuckbuddy. A fun date. And he was a good guy whether he believed it or not. So...Ben was going to meddle and interfere. God help him. 

Maybe his presence in it WOULD change Kevin Matheson's life after all.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Kevin lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark, wishing to christ he hadn't quit smoking five years ago. He knew exactly who and what was to blame for this situation.

'You two should fuck.' 

Ben had been casually eating a salad, standing up in Kevin's kitchen, watching Kevin put together a post-coital sandwich. Patrick's name had been coming up more and more in conversation as he had become an increasing presence in their lives. Ben liked Patrick. He thought he was a charming blend of naivety and slyness. Kevin felt exhausted just at the thought of how charming he himself had found that blend two years ago.

But this...even from Ben, was unexpected.

'Excuse me?'

'You should just get it over with. Unresolved sexual tension is a waste of time. Resolve it. Enjoy it.' Ben continued blithely. 

Right. No big deal.

'Isn't the definition of insanity doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?' Kevin asked. He hoped to god Ben realized this was rhetorical and that the conversation was best over before it really started. But...no such luck.

'Don't make this into something philosophical and bigger than it needs to be, Kevin. I've seen the way you look at him when he doesn't know you're watching. You want him. Probably never stopped loving him even though you persuaded yourself you had. So, why wouldn't you go for it?'

'Self-preservation?' Kevin ventured. Fucking actors and their subtext. 

'And what exactly are you preserving yourself for? For casual fucks with people you somewhat like?'

'Don't sell yourself short.' Kevin mumbled as he dropped the cutting board into the sink. Violently.

'I'm not. We're amazing in bed together. We've both got mad skills. And we both like each other a lot. But we both know that's all it is.'

'And that's plenty for me, thanks.' Kevin stated firmly. 

'Really?'

'Yeah.' Kevin turned to face Ben. This had gone on long enough. 'And also, I DID stop loving him in that crazy way.' He could see Ben gearing up to object so Kevin pushed on. 'Look, I'll always feel something, I can't deny that, but I'm a lot smarter now than I was, and I can keep it from becoming what it was before. I don't need that stupid madness again, believe me.'

'Stupid madness? But that's exactly what you DO need.'

Kevin shook his head in resignation, before turning away to focus on his food. Ben's hand came up to his arm and swung Kevin around gently.

'You know Patrick is probably it for you, right. 'The One'.'

Jesus christ. 

'I'm not sure where this conversation is coming from.' Kevin sighed. 'And anyway, I thought you didn't believe in 'The One'. Thought you thought it was romantic bullshit.'

'Of course I believe it. Everyone does. Doesn't mean it's not romantic bullshit. It totally is, but it's the bullshit that keeps us going on each day and keeps hope alive.'

'Well, that's depressing.' Kevin exhaled. 

'Why? Because you're not 'The One' for him? On the contrary, it's fucking awesome.'

Kevin stared at Ben.

'I must be particularly slow today because I don't see how...'

'Look. Isn't the worst part about falling in love the fear of how things will end up? The fear of how your heart might be broken? If you already know going in that it will be, that he's going to leave you when he finds someone better, or someone just...different...isn't that completely freeing?'

'You're a fucking lunatic.' Kevin murmured. Someone better or different. Basically anyone would do.

'What are you waiting for? Enjoy what you can get. Even if it's just a couple of amazing fucks or a few weeks of an intense high...isn't that worth whatever comes next? Especially if you know it's not going to last.'

'I honestly...'

'Just pretend one of you is dying. You know you've got limited time with him, so...make the most of it. Soak it up. And when he leaves you will be richer for the good times...'

'And my heart will be fucking broken.' Kevin shouted. What the fuck was Ben thinking? That this was some game? That it hadn't been the worst fucking months of his life that he was so casually dismissing? That it was...

'Well, isn't it already?' Ben said gently.

Fucking actors and their fucking subtext. 

'Kevin, if you could have cut him out of your life, you would have already.' Ben continued, killing Kevin with his oh-so-clever little insights. 'You would have told him to fuck off, stop calling, stop pestering you into getting together for cozy little chats about work and New York and clubs and restaurants.'

Kevin chuckled mirthlessly. He wished he'd paid more attention to how much attention Ben had been paying. Fuck buddies weren't supposed to know or care so much.

'I could just move cities until he's given up on his 'Patrick makes amends tour'. Kevin offered glumly.

'Well, THAT'S the fucking definition of insanity.' Ben stole the sandwich out of Kevin's hand. 'You love this city. You belong in this city. Don't run away. Just accept the inevitable.' He patted Kevin's shoulder, smiling at him pityingly as he walked away with Kevin's sanity and his food.

So yes, Ben was partially to blame.

Alcohol had a part to play too, and timing. 

They'd been dancing and drinking quite heavily, Patrick joining them just as they'd settled into the club they'd chosen after their adventurous dinner. Ben loved his food, and his friend Tyler had wanted to relive his youthful days in New York's Hell's Kitchen before he set off again for his traveling tour of some heavy Arthur Miller play no one would come to see. There had been a lot of cursing the life of an actor going on at dinner, and Kevin had wondered why Ben had even invited him to come along, but as they'd walked through the streets of Manhattan they'd started to talk about cities they loved and ended up rhapsodizing over San Francisco and suddenly Kevin had fit right back into the conversation, and obviously when he couldn't remember the name of that restaurant that he'd taken Patrick to, Ben had suggested he text Patrick and ask him. That had made a lot of sense.

Ben had looked over his shoulder as he responded to Patrick's return questions. 

Ben had approved of Kevin's invitation. 

'The more the merrier' he'd smiled. 

Patrick had fit right in. More dancing, more drinking, more comparing New York to San Francisco, more lamenting about the high cost of living, more swearing that it was unthinkable to live anywhere else...

Then Patrick had excused himself to go to the bathroom. Ben had smiled at Kevin again and ushered Tyler out of the club. 

'Don't fight it' he'd whispered in Kevin's ear as they left, leaving Kevin staring into his beer.

'Where'd Ben and Tyler go?' Kevin turned his head at Patrick's happy, drunk voice.

'Ben's got an early morning audition. Decided to actually show up for this one I think. Tyler's staying over with him.'

Patrick swallowed and his eyes grew huge. He was still such an innocent wide-eyed farm boy sometimes.

'Oh...are they...'

'No.' Kevin laughed. 'They're not fucking. They're like you and Agustin. Friends from college, no sexual chemistry.'

'I thought Ben had sexual chemistry with EVERYone.' Patrick batted his eyelashes playfully as he sat...or more accurately...fell into the booth next to Kevin.

'Jealous of his reputation? Don't be. From what I here you're fast catching up to him.' Kevin teased. 

Who the fuck still blushed this day and age.

'What do you mean?' Patrick smiled coyly.

'I mean that I've heard the name Patrick Murray more than once these past few weeks in clubs and bars. You're certainly enjoying all that New York night-life has to offer.'

'Making up for lost time.' Patrick shrugged. Then almost defensively he turned to face Kevin head on. 'It's fun. Sex can just be about sex. Not love. That's what I learned in Denver.'

'Well, Good for you.' Kevin nodded, and held up his beer in salute. They grinned at each other.

'I love this club. Don't let me drink anything more. How come you're not drunk too?' Patrick rambled as he emptied his glass.

'You were always a lightweight.'

'I thought i'd built up a tolerance. I've been working on being able to drink Tequila without getting mean. Drank a lot of it in Texas.'

Kevin checked himself before he could say anything stupid about Texas. Or people who lived in Texas. Or people who ran away to Texas.

'Maybe if you stuck to beer...' He said instead.

'I'm trying to be sophisticated. Scotch. Neat. Seems very grown up.'

'Well it would seem 3 is your limit.' Kevin suggested sweetly, and Patrick giggled.

'Owen would be mad if he knew I was here drinking.'

'Well let's not tell him then.'

'Oh, not at you. He loves you. He's your champion. It's me he'd be mad at. Wants me to stay away.'

Good old Owen. Maybe he and Ben should get together and compare notes and strategies.

'Didn't know I needed a champion.'

'How did that happen? How did you guys become such good friends? Bonded over what an asshole I was?' Patrick mumbled, almost to himself. He seemed genuinely confused as if life had become very strange.

'Maybe 2 is your limit.' Kevin suggested gently.

'But he doesn't get that things aren't binary. He always thinks in computer code. He doesn't see that we could be friends now. There are shades and degrees of feeling right? Is this making sense?' Patrick ignored Kevin and went on. 

'Maybe that's why we bonded. Because he and I like to keep things simple.'

'Oh that's not true Mr. Matheson. You're very tricky. Nothing simple about you.' Patrick shook his head emphatically. Kevin was concerned he was going to shake himself off the booth, but not concerned enough to do anything about it. Had Patrick called HIM...

'Tricky?' Kevin blurted out. 

'I never knew what you were thinking. You're very difficult to read.' Patrick nodded.

'Me? Pot calling kettle black I think.'

'What do you mean? I've always been transparent. Confused, but transparent nonetheless. You could read me like a book.' Patrick scoffed.

'Oh Patrick. You're almost adorable at how fucking clueless you are. I've never read a book more wrong in my life.' Kevin stared at the face of the man who had been the most misleading, confusing, bewildering force to ever blow through and shatter his life.

'So I'm tricky too? that's interesting. You know who's not tricky? Richie. Richie was never tricky. He really is like the most open book you'll ever read. fucking amazing at that. Just...honest. Straightforward....'

'Do you want to fuck?' Kevin asked.

Nicely done. Smooth. Texas wasn't enough of a trigger, but obviously the cause of Texas was. He was such a fucking twat. And now he had to sit here, enduring this ridiculously long, awkward moment of silence as Patrick's mouth gaped open. 

'Wha..at?' he eventually asked.

'Just wondering if that's not the logical conclusion to this particular chapter?' Kevin decided to go for broke.

'Kevin...'

'You really haven't thought about it?' He pushed.

'Not in that it could happen. But, in that it shouldn't. Right?'

Was Patrick genuinely looking for guidance from him? Kevin might be a twat, but Patrick was a moron. But then again, was this really his idea, or Ben's? And whosever idea it was, did it make any sense? Wasn't this an opportunity to walk this back?

'Ok. Forget it then.' Kevin said, wishing his voice could convey more indifference.

Another awkward pause as they both stared at their empty glasses. Surprisingly, it was Patrick who had the balls to break the silence.

'You don't think it would be...problematic?' 

Kevin took in a deep breath and gave the question a moment's thought before he answered.

'For whom? You said yourself you've finally cut the chord between sex and love.'

'Yeah...but we have history.' Patrick said quietly.

'Of good sex. Or maybe what you've had since has been a lot better...' Good job. Reducing this to pure sex. 

'Fishing for compliments, Kevin? You know you're good in bed. That was never a problem.' Patrick shook his head, but he seemed to be biting back a smile.

'And now nothing else has to be, right? This can just be problem-free.' Kevin forged on.

'It just seems a little...is it because I mentioned Richie?'

Wow. Maybe Patrick wasn't quite as drunk as he had been implying. Maybe that whole drunk thing had been a cover, as it was for Kevin. Everything can be excused if you're drunk, right?

Kevin couldn't help but answer, though mentioning Richie's name wasn't how he'd envisaged this conversation going.

'Patrick, the thought of you with Richie does not make me hard.'

'Are you hard? No...I didn't mean to ask...' Patrick trailed off, but Kevin had caught the glance that Patrick had shot at his crotch. Kevin smiled wryly. Men were men, and sex was sex. 

'Now who's fishing for compliments. I'm always half hard when you're around. Pavlovian response. You know it's been like that since the beginning.'

'You had that effect on me too.' Patrick murmured, and this time his eyes stayed locked onto Kevin's.

'Had? Ok.'

'No...I mean...I'm not a machine Kevin. Of course my body remembers. I did things with you that i'd never done with anyone before. You were my first in so many...shit. I'm really drunk. Maybe we shouldn't have this conversation when I'm so drunk.' Patrick backtracked. But Kevin had him hooked, or Patrick had Kevin hooked, or someone had the other hooked on a line of sexual tension and it felt good and delicious and Kevin wanted to draw this line out a little before it was reeled back in. And whoever had caught whoever, he didn't give a shit. He WAS hard. And he wanted to know if Patrick was too.

'What things?' Kevin urged Patrick on, his voice dropping, his eyelids blinking heavily as he waited for Patrick's answer.

'What?' Patrick seemed dazed.

'What were the things you did with me that were firsts?'

'You know, them Kevin.' Patrick mumbled, his eyes fixing on Kevin's lips.

'Indulge me. I haven't asked you for anything all these weeks. Just let me have that.' Kevin murmured, leaning forward so Patrick could hear him, their faces only inches apart.

'Really?' Patrick bit his lower lip. Kevin's dick throbbed.

'Yeah. Really.'

'Ok...but...I'm kind of embarrassed.' Patrick eyes roamed over Kevin's face.

'You can do them, but not talk about them?' Kevin teased gently.

'Maybe i'm not as evolved as I thought.' Patrick laughed nervously and pulled back a little. Kevin followed him.

'Give it a try.' He coaxed gently.

'Are you seducing me?' 

Kevin blinked. Patrick was looking at him with an intensity that had been missing to this point. As if the answer really really mattered. As if he was testing Kevin on his honesty? That was ok. Kevin was just surprised it had come out so bluntly. He expected Patrick to skirt around the issue before he ever voiced it outright. That whole trust and honesty thing. That little tiny matter that had exploded his life so very effectively.

'That implies a level of unawareness on your part. I don't think either of us can pretend that exists.' He stated simply.

'I'd forgotten how good you are at this. Relentless.' Patrick said, almost admiringly.

'Only when I'm inspired.'

'Manipulative.' Patrick offered.

'Guilty as charged.' Kevin easily confessed.

'The way you got me to the office that night, pretending you needed files...'

'You were being so fucking stubborn.' Kevin grinned, inching ever closer, their bodies barely a hair's width apart on the booth now, their faces close enough that he could feel Patrick's breath fluttering over him.

'You'd do anything to get what you want.' Patrick whispered.

'And you loved that what I wanted was you.' Kevin shot back.

'I did.' Patrick exhaled.

'You loved to see me helpless, reduced to begging...' 

'You were never helpless.'

'YOU made me helpless. You could have done anything to me that night.' Kevin corrected him.

'But in the end it was you that fucked me.'

'I did. You caught fire so fucking quick.' Kevin shut his eyes in memory. It had been so fucking glorious...

'I'd hated it before then.'

'I could tell.' Kevin said softly

'It hurt.'

'But you wouldn't let me stop. You were hungry for it too, and then when we came you were so fucking gone...' Kevin reminded him, wanting him to drown in the memory of how amazing that night had been, as he was doing.

'But...it went so wrong.' Patrick pulled his head back and stared deep into Kevin's eyes, as if the answer to some question could be found in there.

'We learnt.' Kevin said simply.

'How...'

'This is just a simple fuck.' 

This time the pause wasn't awkward, but more pregnant with so much unsaid and so much anticipation and expectation and Kevin was sure that...

'You're not planning to stab me in the middle of the night are you?' Patrick asked.

And... there it was. Patrick's guilt laid bare. And the taste of it in Kevin's mouth was so fucking bitter. But still...

Kevin stayed completely still, not even breathing. What kind of a pathetic loser was he that even the thought of Patrick pity-fucking him didn't make his hard-on go down. He dick should be shriveling at Patrick's acknowledgment of his humiliation. But his dick had got with the program and wasn't backing down. Maybe his dick knew it was better to get the inevitable over with. And ultimately, his dick knew Patrick better than his heart ever had, so...maybe it was time to let his dick lead and let Patrick use him to work out his feelings about love and life and growth, just as he had back in San Francisco.

'I'm not into revenge fucks. I only fuck people I like.' Kevin tried to hide the hardness in his voice, but Patrick heard it anyway. He flinched for a second, but then recovered the way he always did. He had a rod of steel running through him that Kevin had so loved at first. Until it had just become an unbending, unyielding force that Patrick had turned against him.

'You like me?' Patrick asked, deliberately, slowly.

'I always did Patrick' 

'Ok...you still like me?' He was clever, too.

'Yes. I still like you.' Kevin murmured. What did it really cost to say that, after he'd admitted to loving him on a sidewalk outside a cafe where Patrick had wrung every last drop of his dignity from him.

'I like you too.'

\--------------------- 

He didn't have to text Patrick on a drunken Saturday night to ask him the name of a restaurant. It wasn't even that good of a place. Not somewhere he'd ever recommend. 

He had counted on it being memorable though, at least to Patrick, because it had been their first time out together at a restaurant, enjoying each other's company without the weight of the affair hanging over them. And it was laden with memories of their vigorous fuck that same morning on the kitchen table, when Patrick had scrambled to find a way to hold on with his freshly healed arm against Kevin's forceful thrusts and had moaned and sighed his every feeling as Kevin had pounded against him and lost himself in the beautiful body he'd come to worship and adore, staring down at that back with all it's myriad of freckles that he kissed and traced and owned as his, and at his beautiful boy's profile with his closed eyes and mouth open and gasping, and at that amazing hair that he could now just grab and grip onto whenever he wanted...

So yes...the lion's share of the blame was definitely Kevin's. 

'Why are you awake?' he felt more than heard being mumbled into his chest.

Kevin tightened his arm around the smooth back, as he let his fingers stroke the soft skin.

'Shhhh. Go back to sleep, Patrick.'

'Mm..kay.'

 


	6. Chapter 6

Every single voice in his head was telling him this was the most monumentally fucked up stupid ass-backward think that he'd done in...oh...two and half years? 

But the rest of his body...fuuuuck. Those endorphins were on some freaking powerful high. Multiple orgasms had a way of doing that do you. 

Patrick stretched slowly, feeling the delicious burn in his thighs and his ass. He was going to be feeling that for a few hours at least. Kevin was on fire last night. And again this morning. And again just a half hour ago. Even if Kevin threw him out on the same ass that he'd so thoroughly and lovingly fucked through the night, Patrick's body would be hard pressed to feel any regrets. 

God, the man was hard to derail when he was focused. Not that Patrick had tried particularly hard, but at some point in the night's festivities he had briefly entertained the thought that maybe he'd like to get some top action, and actually get to pound Kevin into the mattress as a nice change. But Kevin had really not been into that at all. And he'd basically bent Patrick to his will by taking Patrick's cock deep into his mouth and sucking any objections out of him, until Patrick had been reduced to incoherent begging and nonsensical ramblings and had been more than happy to take anything Kevin wanted to give him as Kevin crawled up his body and pushed inside him. Patrick remembered wondering hazily how he hadn't noticed Kevin putting on a condom and lubing himself up, but he must have because there was nothing but delicious friction as he slid his body into Patrick's. Of course Patrick was already loosened up from the first frenetic fuck which had taken place on the floor just inside Kevin's front door. Thank god Kevin hadn't pulled his pants off him fully otherwise he'd have severely bruised knees for the next few days. Hmmm. Maybe that's why Kevin hadn't insisted on undressing him. At the time Patrick thought that it was because he didn't want to wait anymore before getting inside him, but...maybe it was because he was being considerate. Either way, it was kind of flattering. Certainly Patrick hadn't wanted to wait any longer as soon as they'd got to Kevin's place. 

They'd started making out at the club, which ended up being a really stupid idea because they had both pretty much gone up in flames as soon as the first tentative re-introductions were made. Literally within seconds of Kevin's mouth touching his, it was if no time had passed since that first night in the office, when Patrick had learned that Kevin was a sucker for his kisses, that Kevin couldn't get enough of his mouth and basically was happy to just let Patrick do anything he wanted as long as it involved lots of lapping, and nipping and sucking and licking... Patrick was always in charge when it came to kissing. Even if Kevin started it, Patrick would just naturally take over and Kevin used to wax lyrical over the many wonderful ways Patrick's talented mouth had left him weak and satisfied. Just from kissing. 

They'd behaved in the cab ride to Kevin's home, but the indecent behavior had begun again in the elevator ride up to the 14th floor, with Kevin pressing against him, rubbing against him, whispering into his ear all the dirty, lovely, unspeakable things that he wanted to do to his body. He was ready for all of it. Every last filthy bit of it. It had been a very long time since he'd had any inhibitions at all, each one of them burned and pounded and sucked and probed out of his body, many of them by this very man. And his body had obviously retained some muscle memory because his arms knew exactly where to grip Kevin to give him the resistance he craved as he pushed against Patrick's body, desperate to get inside him deeper and deeper, and his legs found their place naturally around Kevin's hips as he held on for the ride, his head rolling back on the pillow as he tried to remember to breathe while Kevin stoked over his p-spot again and again, bringing him to the edge but refusing to let him touch himself so he could keep Patrick mindless with lust. And Kevin's clever body remembered some things too. Like how to slow down his thrusts so that Patrick feared he was actually going to stop and would start to get frantic, before he pushed in hard and fast again and made Patrick start to pant and beg and plead...

The third time had been... different. It had started when both of them were half asleep, and had begun with lazy stroking and fondling. Patrick had Kevin's most excellent cock in his hand and was gently petting it, re-familiarizing himself with it's shape and it's size, marveling at how silky smooth the skin always was and how he foreskin was so sensitive and tender. Kevin had sleepily taken Patrick's cock in his hands and started returning the favor, and in gratitude, Patrick had leaned his head up to lick at Kevin's lips. They'd opened as always, and Patrick slipped his tongue inside Kevin's mouth, gently lapping at his tongue. Patrick opened his eyes as he felt Kevin's fingers wandering back to his ass. Kevin was staring at him. Patrick smiled sleepily, hooking his leg over Kevin's hip to accommodate Kevin's questing fingers. 

He didn't know exactly what happened but suddenly things changed. Kevin pushed him onto his stomach and reached over for a condom and lube. Within seconds he had Patrick's knee bent and his fingers were inside Patrick, gentle but insistent. Patrick had barely caught his breath and settled into this new position, when Kevin's fingers were gone and he felt Kevin push his sheathed cock into him. Literally, within two minutes, Kevin was grunting through his orgasm into the back of Patrick's neck and Patrick was coming all over the sheets, jerked off by Kevin's strong, warm grip. 

And then...Kevin was gone. Not completely of course. Patrick could hear him in the kitchen, doing something that involved opening cabinets and drawers. But it felt like there was more than a bedroom door between them. And that's when the voices started. The voices that questioned his sanity. Cursed his stupidity. Lamented his poor judgement.

Well...fuck the voices. Maybe this had been a really stupid idea, but it might also have been the best idea of all. Sex was great and sex was wonderful and sex in and of itself was a goal worthy of achieving. But sex could also be something else. Sex could be a gateway. A path to something. And with someone like Kevin, sex could be the inside track he'd been looking for. 

Patrick wanted to talk to Kevin. Really talk. Not just about the small little bullshit details of life, but about the bigger things too. He wanted Kevin to see that he'd changed not so Kevin could congratulate him, but so Kevin could understand that Patrick's judgement two years ago didn't need to define either of them any more. He wanted Kevin to understand about Richie, and maybe to even help Patrick understand some things that he still found confusing about that. What was inside him that craved the love and acceptance and approval of someone as good and sweet and kind as Richie, but that ultimately grew...impatient? unchallenged? bored? What was inside him that was drawn to the more guarded, calculating, manipulation of someone like Kevin? Why was ultimately having wrestled the love out of Kevin more satisfying than earning the love from Richie? Why could he never just be friends with Kevin when friendship seemed the very best thing he could ever have with Richie. Better than his love, better than his adoration. Richie's friendship was precious. He could be friends with Richie, friends with Dom and not feel any more tension. But with Kevin...everything came back to sex. Because it had started like that? Illicitly and full of secret guilty pleasure? That didn't feel completely true. 

Well, whatever the reason, he and Kevin couldn't communicate while the specter of sex hung over them. And now that it was out of the way, maybe Kevin would actually talk to him. 

Patrick sighed. And maybe pigs would fly.

The bedroom door was pushed open and Kevin stood there, fully clothed, holding a mug of coffee.

'There's one for you if you like' he said, lifting his mug and gesturing towards the kitchen. 

'I don't have much food in the house but I can make you some toast. Maybe some eggs.' 

'Coffee's fine. Thanks.' Patrick said, suddenly self-conscious of been on the bed naked. And just sort of lying there. Should he get up now, and stand there looking for his underwear? Should he pull the covers over himself? Shit. This felt...weird. Kevin was acting weird.

As if he could read Patrick's mind, Kevin turned and walked back out to the kitchen. Well thank the good fucking lord. Patrick thought as he sat up and looked around for his clothes. If Kevin was expecting him to guzzle his coffee down and then get the fuck out, he should probably be pre-emptively dressed. To avoid further discomfort.

Shit. This just felt like it had really gone south. Those voices had been right after all, Patrick thought glumly.

He walked out to the kitchen, steeling himself for coldness and indifference. Kevin had said this was just a fuck, after all.

'I can just go if you'd rather...'

'Sit down Patrick. Don't be a twat. I'm not throwing you out.' Kevin sounded tired. He was leaning back against the kitchen counter, nursing his mug.  And he wouldn't look at Patrick. But...Patrick was going to take him at his word.

'Oh. Ok. It's just you seemed a little...'

'I'm just ...confused. Not really sure what happened last night.' Kevin grimaced, still staring into his coffee cup like it held the answers to the world's most pressing secrets.

Well then. The relief Patrick felt that the elephant in the room had been well and truly addressed almost made him giddy. He laughed, feeling a hundred pounds lighter.

'Well, from what I can remember you basically fucked me three times, and gave me half a blow job, once.'

That got Kevin's attention. And oh look! Was that a blush tinging the edges of his very prominent ears? Patrick smiled sweetly. Kevin grinned, shaking his head.

'Smart arse.'

'Sore ass you mean.' Patrick corrected him.

'Sorry about that.'

'I'm not complaining. It was great.' 

'It was. That's maybe what's a little confusing.'

'Doesn't fit into your master plan of 'fuck him and forget him'?' Patrick asked as he moved to the counter to pick up the waiting coffee. He leaned back, next to Kevin, crossing his feet. 

'Since when do you know about my master plans?' Kevin mumbled, blowing his coffee gently before taking a sip.

Patrick turned his head so he could look at Kevin's steely profile. 

'Kevin. We're both game designers. I know all about strategy.'

'Twat' 

'I think you've used that one today already.' Patrick pointed out, before taking a sip of his own drink. He smiled at the bitter sweet taste. Yum. Kevin was always very particular about his coffee. He was very particular about everything. A real label queen.

'Still take your coffee black, one sugar?' Kevin asked. Patrick turned again to look at him. This time Kevin was staring right back, and some of the tension seemed to have been replaced with something that looked more like aggression. Well. That hadn't taken long.

'Somethings never change.' Patrick raised his cup in a salute, shrugging.

'But most things do, right?' 

Patrick held back a sigh. He wasn't going to let Kevin make him feel defensive or panicky. How Kevin behaved was his responsibility. How Patrick reacted was Patrick's. A hard lesson to learn but Richie had been an excellent mentor in teaching self-control.

'Can we call a truce? Just for this morning?' Patrick asked, keeping his voice deliberately light, pleasant.

'We're not in some battle...'

'Well it feels like we are. It feels like when I make even the smallest headway with you you just double down and retreat further.' Patrick interrupted Kevin.

Kevin seemed to need a moment to figure out how to react to that. 

'How does last night fit into that?' He eventually asked, with what appeared to be genuine curiosity.

'I don't really know.' Patrick admitted, bemused. 'It either means I've breached the defenses and we're ready for peace talks, or you might never answer another call from me again.'

Patrick held Kevin's gaze, not backing down, watching Kevin's face change from battle-ready to resigned.

'You're an idiot Patrick Murray. When have I not answered a phone call from you?' 

Patrick couldn't stop the grin from spreading over his face, though he knew he probably should have. Some things just couldn't be controlled, however much practice you had. Kevin shook his head as he moved from Patrick's side and took a seat at the tiny kitchen table. He dropped his head into one hand and rubbed his eyes. He looked incredibly weary, and not just from lack of sleep. Patrick felt sorry for him, but...also...really really relieved. He joined Kevin at the table.

'Ok. That's good. Then...peace talks?'

'I think I like your idea of a truce more. For this morning.'

'Me too.' Patrick agreed quickly. 

They sat there in silence for a few moments, drinking their coffees. Patrick was content to wait. Appreciating silence was another thing he'd learned. 

'And just so we can get this over with too...the sex was great.' Kevin eventually muttered.

'Agreed.'

It was obvious Kevin was struggling to say something more, but since Patrick had no idea what it was, all he could do, again, was wait.

'Sorry if I was a bit...' Kevin trailed off. Ahhhh. Performance remorse. 

'Forceful? Driven? Single-minded?'

'Sounds like my latest peer evaluation.' He blushed. Patrick couldn't remember Kevin blushing this much before. He thought he was the only man over thirty that had this problem. 

'Well I appreciated the high level of focus you brought to the table. Or rather, to the floor. And to the bed. And again to the bed.' Patrick assured him sweetly. And the first signs of a real smile were a fitting reward for his patience. 

'Well I don't like to do a job half hearted. You know how I take pride in my work. How high my standards are. And that's what makes me the tech superstar everyone knows and loves.' 

'Right.' Patrick scoffed.  

'What? Everybody always loves me at work. They loved me at MDG.' Kevin protested.

'Kevin you were the boss. Who was going to tell you they didn't love you?'

Kevin seemed genuinely confused by this concept.

'Well, who didn't love me?'

'Uhm, Meredith? For one.' Patrick reminded him.

'Just cos she got that stupid idea in her head...'

'No, even before then.' Patrick would like to think he hated bursting Kevin's bubble, but he couldn't lie to himself. He loved it. 'She thought you were taking credit for all the work we'd done on the game before you got to SF'

'That's bullshit.' Kevin spluttered. 'When did I do that?'

'That stupid party you threw? With the t-shirt machine?'

Kevin's eyes widened as he looked at Patrick, then his face got that 'are you shitting me look' that spoke a thousand words, so Patrick replied in kind with the 'I'm totally serious' smug nod.

'Huh. She hated me back then?' Kevin said thoughtfully.

'Oh yes. She thought you were all mister high and mighty.'

'That bitch! And I was always so nice to her. I thought it started from the dog-jumper day.'

'Oh god.' Patrick winced. 'That sweater. Do you still have that?'

'Probably. It was always one of my favorites.' Kevin reminded him pointedly, his eyes narrowing in defense of his highly cherished wardrobe.

'That thing was SO fucking itchy! And I know it must have cost a fortune.' Patrick laughed. He'd insisted on wearing it and then regretted it the whole fucking day. Who knew you needed to wear a full sleeve length thick t-shirt under it to make it bearable?

'It looked better on me than it did on you.' Kevin retorted.

'Bullshit.' Though in reality, only someone as comfortably masculine as Kevin could really wear it and not look like an idiot.

'No one complimented you when you wore it.' Kevin thought he was scoring points.

'Hello. Boss thing?'

Kevin looked ready to fight the issue, but instead he laughed. 

'Fuck. What else didn't I know was going on behind my back.'

'Uhm...my mom hated the app we built?' Patrick ventured tentatively. Talking about the app was a bit of a calculated risk, but...this seemed to the morning for pushing his luck.

'Dana? Dana-Banana? I thought she loved it.' 

And now Kevin looked like a wounded puppy, though his eyes were smiling. Thank god.

'She was being supportive because she liked you. She never referred to it again.'

'I'm fucking gutted.' Kevin sat back in his chair theatrically, as if mortally wounded. 'I thought me and Dana had something special going on.'

'Yeah, you and half the men over 60 in Colorado.' Patrick snorted.

'Your mum's a player?' Kevin laughed, probably at the extremely sour expression on Patrick's face. The fucker. 'Oh I love it. Good for her.'

'Thanks. Turns out I'm not the only pervert in the Murray family.'

'Patrick, having sex in your 60s is not the same as soliciting hand jobs from strangers in parks.'

And finally Kevin got in a hit.

'Oh god. I can't believe you remember that.'

'I'm a sex encyclopedia. A sexclopedia if you will. I remember everything about sex.'

'Do you remember the Russian River?' Patrick prompted, ignoring Kevin's self-satisfied smirk.

'I wasn't the one stoned from Molly. Of course I remember.'

Patrick cleared his throat as it suddenly felt tight and swallowing had become a little harder.

'That was fucking hot.' He admitted, chewing his lip and rediscovering his coffee.

'It was.'

'I'd never done it outdoors before.'

'I'd never done it against a 1000 year old redwood before.'

Patrick smiled at the memory of that glorious tree, finally looking back up to find Kevin smiling at him.

'I had the impression of bark on my face for hours.'

'You were so out of your head.'

'It had been a crazy night.' Patrick agreed.

'I wish I could have been there for the party. I never got to go to one.'

'They have them every year. You could go back.'

'To San Francisco? No. I don't think I'll do that.' Kevin shook his head slowly.

Patrick was genuinely surprised.

'Never?' he asked quietly.

'Too much shit to deal with.'

'I thought I was the one who ran away from stuff.'

Kevin shrugged and let out a deep sigh.

'Trust me. I did my fair share of running. I like the idea that I might have settled though.'

'New York?'

'Yeah. I feel at home here. Maybe for the first time I feel...part of this city.'

Patrick nodded. That made sense to him. Kevin seemed at home here. 

'I love it too.' He mused. 'But I miss my other homes. Maybe all of them a little, but mostly San Francisco.'

'Well, maybe you'll make it back there. The boys would be ecstatic I'm sure.'

Agustin. Dom. God...sometimes he really missed them. But it was rarer and rarer these days.

'Their lives have really moved on. I'm not so sure I'd fit in with them anymore.' Which was a little bitter to swallow but there were always consequences to choices that people had to live with.

'You'll always be their Paddy.' 

Patrick put his cup down and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table as he cupped his chin in one hand. He looked at Kevin. How far to take this was the question he couldn't quite figure out. Yet...the vibe between them was good right now. It felt right to be open. To lay bare some of the things he wanted to be out there.

'Yeah...but that's sometimes a problem too.' He started, tentatively. 'Old friends...they don't always want you to change. I'm not the same person I was when I lived there. And they don't...'

'Like it?' Kevin prompted.

'No...more like see it.' Patrick clarified. 'Like, I have to be an exaggerated version of my new self for them to notice. But other people who meet me for the first time just think this version of me is the only version there's ever been, and I like that. I like this version more than the previous ones.'

Kevin was silent for a few moments.

'Upgrades?' He asked eventually.

'A few.' Patrick nodded slowly.

Kevin cleared his throat.

'Well, in the sack you were pretty much the same power bottom you've always been.' 

'Hey!' Patrick laughed. 'I'm versatile. I mean I usually am. Last night you wouldn't let me be but believe me....next time, you'll see some new moves I've learnt.'

'Next time?'

Oh boy.

'Ok... Was that not...'

'I didn't know. If it was a one and done type of deal.' Kevin shrugged, but his fingers were gripping his coffee cup and Patrick saw his knuckles whiten. It was a shame that Kevin's nervousness made him feel more relaxed, but that's the way it was. 

'I don't typically have a firm policy on that. Do you have an arrangement with Ben that has some rules?'

'No. Ben doesn't understand the concept of rules or give a shit about them. It was just...' Kevin stalled.

'Why don't we play it by ear.' Patrick suggested calmly.

Kevin chuckled.

'Who are we kidding. You know we'll fuck again.'

'Well...I hope so. I liked it. A lot.' Patrick agreed.

'Ok. Then we'll see how it goes.'

And Patrick let himself breathe a tiny sigh of relief. Hopefully 'it' would go as well as this morning had gone.


	7. Chapter 7

If getting back together with Jon had taught Kevin anything it was that knowing your partner was able to walk away once meant that every absent look and every half-hearted response was like the drip of slow torture. At least, that's how Jon would describe it when he'd rail at Kevin for spending too much time at work so he wouldn't have to face Jon at home, or when he'd accuse Kevin of transparent regret or obvious 'settling' those times when Kevin had no new explanations or reassurances to give. And the bitch of it was Jon was right. Kevin did avoid him, and did regret the circumstances that had brought them back together. So when Jon left him Kevin was neither surprised nor particularly sad. But he was genuinely very very sorry. For putting Jon through the pain of a separation twice. For having ever believed or agreed with Jon that they could really make this work, when his heart wasn't in it. When his heart wasn't his.

So the trick with Patrick was to not be like Jon. Because Jon was a great guy who deserved so much love and devotion from a fully emotionally committed partner, but he'd put his faith and trust in Kevin when he should have remembered that it just wasn't warranted.

Ben had told him to have fun. To squeeze the relationship with Patrick for all the joy he could get out of it for as long as he could, and since Kevin could not claim to be more of an expert at relationships than the very well-adjusted, happy Ben, Kevin decided to try and do just that.

And for the most part it WAS fun. A lot of fun. Silly fun. Sexy fun. Happy fun.

Patrick was still Patrick, however many 'upgrades' he'd gone through, so he was still one of the easiest people to talk to about work, which took care of a lot of dinner conversations. He still had an enthusiasm and lust for all things game related and food related, so that took care of a lot of casual evenings spent at one of their homes. And he was still a shockingly horny little fucker, who had spent two years honing his natural instincts and talents, which took care of the nights very nicely. All in all, Patrick was proving to be a very 'fun' person to have around.

Not that they were spending all their time together. Oh no. There were some pretty strict unspoken rules that they had both magically seemed to divine, which meant that at most they would see each a couple of times a week, and sometimes they would go almost ten days with little or no contact. And that mostly worked very well for Kevin.

He had no idea what Patrick did when they weren't together, and if that sometimes, or even frequently, made him wonder what the fuck they were really playing at, he would remind himself of Ben's advice. This had been inevitable. He should just let it play out and pay attention to the good times. Ultimately it was going to be much easier to keep Patrick from becoming his whole fucking world again if he rationed the exposure. At least this way, Patrick was his world for an evening, a night, and maybe for the following day or two as Kevin would relive and replay and pour over detail of their encounters in his mind, but the rest of the time, Kevin's world was his own. And frankly that felt very calming and soothing. He had no more desire for drama.

It was depressingly easy to slip back into comfortable patterns with Patrick. To tease and banter about who was the better programmer, the more skilled game player, the more talented computer nerd. To laugh at Patrick about his insatiable appetite and appalling table manners. To listen with fascination as Patrick brought his co-workers to life with his funny little stories and his snarky descriptions. Or to lose himself in venting to Patrick about some annoyance at his job, or some irritation with a neighbor, or a grievance about living in New York City, or even about the general wankerliness of the great unwashed American public that swarmed the subways daily and made Kevin's commute a living hell...Patrick would listen to him and then call him outrageous combinations of English insults that didn't even really make sense, all in that stupid English accent of his which really had got no better at all. And he would giggle. Honest to god, he would fucking giggle. And that was the most depressing thing of all because Patrick fucking Murray could make him hard by giggling.

Of course that was just one of many things that got Kevin hard.

And at first Kevin had resented those things and not been very nice to Patrick when they fucked. Not that he would hurt Patrick. No, he always took the time to prepare them both, and he was always very solicitous of Patrick's comfort. It's just that on that first night he found himself getting lost in Patrick's kisses as he always had, so he made himself pull away from Patrick's mouth, move them on to the fucking, and made sure he was in control. It was easier to fuck Patrick from behind because seeing his face soft with pleasure, or tight with anticipation...well, Kevin didn't want to see that again. It had been the spell Patrick had woven over him two years before. That heady mix of astonishment and carnality that had seduced Kevin so thoroughly. That wasn't what this was about. Sex was to be encouraged...but intimacy, fuck no. So their fucking was technically very advanced. Employing an impressive range of imaginative positions, an array of interesting props and toys, remarkable endurance and refractory periods, and generally, every trick in the book either of them had ever learnt or tried or perfected. And it was very good. Better than most sex he'd had since coming to New York. Not the best because there had been some incredibly uninhibited men Kevin had met that had blown his mind with their imagination and erotic play. But Patrick was definitely in the top five lovers he'd had.

Kevin took pleasure in remembering the lovers that were better, though. Especially on the days after he'd been with Patrick and he didn't want to pick up the phone and call him because it felt like it was too soon.

But then Kevin started to forget to turn Patrick over, or would be a little too carried away to remember that he didn't want Patrick to fuck him, however good Patrick's tongue felt caressing and licking and gently fucking his ass. And when that happened Patrick would get to keep his mouth on Kevin and Kevin would find it hard to pull away from that taste that was so uniquely Patrick and sometimes, so deliciously, a mixture of the both of them. And while Patrick had his face buried in Kevin's neck as he fucked him, sometimes even as Patrick's teeth were tenderly and carefully claiming Kevin's skin as Patrick's dick was deep inside him, Kevin would breathe in the scent of Patrick's hair and feel it tickling his face and he wouldn't be able to stop himself from reaching out and grabbing it so he could pull Patrick's head back and watch him come, and have Patrick pant and gasp his breath straight into Kevin's face so Kevin could feel and hear and see Patrick's orgasm with all his senses at once. And then he might forget himself and watch Patrick's eyes as Patrick took Kevin in his mouth to work him into a frenzy, sucking on him, pulling him deep into his throat, teasing his foreskin lovingly with that crazy, talented tongue...And then the sex wasn't so technically brilliant anymore and Kevin hated it almost more than he craved it because rankings didn't matter and they never had when it came to Patrick fucking Murray and that's what he didn't want to still be true.

But it was.

Ben had told him to have fun. But what he'd really told him was to accept the inevitable. And the two were sort of mutually exclusive but at the same time, fun was nothing compared to the bone deep happiness that Kevin felt on those nights that he forgot that Patrick wasn't the best lover he ever had. And that's when the memory of the lessons he'd learnt in London with Jon were the most helpful. He wouldn't be Jon. He wouldn't put his trust where it wasn't warranted. That much he would keep back from Patrick fucking Murray.

'What are you doing out here? It's three in the morning.'

Kevin hadn't heard Patrick come into his living room. By the looks of him he was still mostly asleep. Crazy bed hair, pillow creases on his cheek, eyes blinking slowly...and one hand idly scratching a butt cheek. Jesus. How was this now his life?

'Go back to bed. I just came out to get some work done.'

'It's Friday. Can't it wait?'

Kevin chuckled.

'You're sleeping. What does it matter?'

'I want to fuck.'

Kevin raised his eyebrows. And then looked pointedly at Patrick's very limp, very unaroused penis.

'All right. That's not true. I'm sore as fuck so, no more fucking. But I miss you if you leave the bed in the middle of the night.'

'Patrick, that's...ridiculous. You're not used enough to sharing the bed with me to miss it.'

'God, you're so literal. I'm just saying Kevin, that I would like us to sleep together because I enjoy that part too. The post-coital bit.'

'I gave you about a half hour of pre-coital, and hour of coital, and at least an hour of post-coital. Whey are you still complaining?'

'What the fuck is pre-coital? You can't just make words and phrases up you know.' Patrick yawned as he moved to the sofa on which Kevin was comfortably seated. Kevin winced at the thought of Patrick's unwashed post-messy-sex, cum-covered body sitting on his pristine suede sofa, but Patrick was thoughtful enough to wrap himself in the soft afghan throw Kevin kept handily close by before dropping down next to Kevin and peering over at his open laptop.

'What's this?'

'Notes.'

'On what.'

'On a project.'

'Ooooh. Is it top secret?'

'How come you're so awake?'

'Is it about that CGI helicopter scene you were telling me about?'

'No. That project's done. This client wants people morphing into appliances. And they're not even selling appliances.' Kevin shook his head glumly.

'And this is crucial to get done at three in the middle of a Friday night because...?'

'I had an idea that might make it more impressive.'

'Did you get the idea while we were fucking?' Patrick asked, smiling slyly.

'Maybe.'

'While you were blowing me?' he pressed.

'No. I was thinking about Marvin Stone while I was blowing you.'

'Who the fuck's that?' Patrick looked at him, confused and mostly now fully awake.

'The inventor of the straw.' Kevin answered.

Patrick shook his head and leaned back against the sofa.

'Dickhead.'

'Because your penis is narrow and bendy. Sort of like flexible plastic. And hollow.'

'I get it. I have a small, limp, unimpressive dick. Very clever Kevin.'

'And if I suck it long enough, I get to drink from it.'

'The analogy is very weak by the way.'

'It's three in the morning. It's the best I could do.' Kevin said by way of apology.

Patrick smiled.

Fuck. Patrick and his sleepy post-fuck smiles.

Kevin turned back to his laptop.

'You love working, don't you.' Patrick said eventually. Softly.

'Hm-hmm.'

'I think you'll come back to game design one day, though. This technology and this industry is new and a challenge to you, but you can't keep away from games. I give it another year at most.'

Kevin chuckled.

'You're probably right. I'm an engineer at heart. Doing mostly management stuff will only keep me happy for so long. I'll want to get my hands dirty again. Get back in the trenches.'

'Oh god. War analogies. As if what we do as game designers is a matter of life and death.' Patrick laughed.

'For some people it is.'

'Yeah...nerds at gamer conventions in costumes. That's our demographic. Boys who can't get laid.'

'God bless them.'

Patrick stayed silent for a few moments, a thoughtful, almost sad look on his face.

'You know, we should probably do something more worthy than video game design though, shouldn't we?'

'What?'

'I mean, since you're an engineer and all, with such amazing technological skills as you keep telling everybody, shouldn't you use them to do something more worthwhile than creating first person shooter games, or role playing games, or any fucking games at all. The world doesn't need more game designers.'

'Patrick. It's three in the morning...'

'Don't you ever think that we should be trying to do something different. Create something more important? Contribute more to society?'

'What the fuck...'

'I'm just saying. If silicon valley put their collective heads together and tried to come up with solutions to the really important questions in life rather than how people can send dick picks to each other with cute mustaches or kitten ears plastered all over them...then the world might really be a better place.'

'Ok. I'm going to pretend it is not patently ridiculous for you to be sitting here naked on my sofa, which I paid for with money from the very games you are denigrating by the way, having this weird conversation, and actually grace you with an answer.'

Patrick yawned hugely.

'I pay a lot of taxes so other people can solve the problems of the world.'

'That's it?' Patrick said. 'That's the answer you're gracing with me.'

'I repeat, it is three in the morning.'

'But there's more to contributing than working and paying taxes, Kevin. I mean, we work all day surrounded by this amazing technology, resources at our fingertips, and we think we're doing something new and exciting and cool, and it's all about design and creation and all the detailed intricacies of these worlds we build...but there are really people that spend their whole lives moved to create and produce things more tangible than some video game a nerdy boy in a basement uses to stave off his existential loneliness. Like real art that hangs on a wall and is ABOUT something. Or a machine that actually saves lives or prevents global warming, or...something else equally huge. Don't you ever yearn to be a part of that?'

'Uhm...not particularly.' Kevin confessed, a little alarmed by all this pent up passion Patrick was suddenly filled with. 'I like programming computers to do simple things that people enjoy. That's pretty cool if you ask me.'

'Don't you believe in anything beyond that?' Patrick asked.

'Believe? As in...spiritual shit?' Kevin winced. At Patrick's nod, he shook his head slowly. 'I'll leave the spiritual stuff to people like Ben.' Kevin laughed.

'And Richie.' Patrick sighed. 'He was really into the spiritual stuff too.' he continued softly, looking away from Kevin, plucking at the throw he was wrapped in.

'Maybe the four of us should get together and discuss the various belief systems we each have.' Kevin said dryly.

Patrick remained silent, but not for too long.

'I never knew if you believed in God. How come we never spoke about that?'

'Because we're functioning adults who don't need to talk about an invisible man in the sky?' Kevin ventured.

'What do you believe in? What do you think exists beyond us? After we die.'

'I'm a scientist.' Kevin answered simply. 'I believe in science. My whole life is built on that. And I fucking love it.'

'But there has to be something more...'

'No there doesn't. Science is perfect. And it's wonderful. Literally, it's full of wonder. You could spend your whole life learning about the world and everything in it and all around it and how it came to be and where it's going, all based on science, and you would still have a hundred lifetimes left of things you didn't know about it. It's a miracle. The only fucking miracle we need. I hate the idea that people think we need something more than that to explain anything. Or to make life worth something' Kevin finished. How was that not perfectly clear? Spiritual bullshit. He could just imagine the soulful crap that Richie would come up with. Product of a fucking weak mind.

Shit...he didn't mean that. Fuck.

'Wow. You really do feel very strongly about something after all.'

Kevin laughed weakly. He meant everything he had said, but he hated that now it was associated with Ben and Richie and their depth and his shallowness. His passion would always come up short compared to theirs. Because theirs was mysterious and unexplainable and all he wanted to do was be able to explain things.

'But...I think there might be something more than science. I mean, how do we account for art, and literature, and...love? If there isn't something more.'

'There doesn't need to be anything more, Patrick.' Kevin shook his head. 'That's the whole point. It exists because it can. Because of some evolutionary need millions of years ago that made the people that cared about art and beauty and expression to be better able to survive in this world that we are in. Not in some other.'

'Kevin...'

'No, listen. Love is a matter of chemicals and hormones. It's a matter of physical reactions that one person ignites in your body. Your brain telling millions of receptors to react and reach out and grab onto and hold them because there's something in the other person's molecules that makes you need them and crave them and think that you can't be without them. And it's billions of tiny waves between you that create the want and the need, and it's so fucking amazing that millions of years of humans fucking and reproducing and needing to fuck more than they needed to breathe, have made that be something that happens in your body, have made something that makes you feel so fucking glad that you're alive. And that same process created the person that made you feel like that, made your heart speed up so your muscles tense and strengthen, made your glands produce saliva that you want to cover them with and mark them so that you share your scent and their smell reminds you of home and you and your sex, made your dick fill with blood and the certainty that only with them will you get that rush of endorphins that's going to leave you feeling so high, so fucking glorious...that's the person you see as the person you love. And it's the most wonderful thing science ever did. Create love.'

Patrick was staring at him, and Kevin felt like a fool. It was three in the morning and he'd explained his philosophy of life and love to Patrick with all the finesse and advanced language skills of a toddler.

Patrick wouldn't like his version of love. It wasn't particularly romantic. But then again, it really didn't matter very much what Patrick thought of his image of what it meant to fall in love. It mattered very little. And even then, only to Kevin.

Patrick reached out a hand to touch Kevin's face, but Kevin intercepted it first. He squeezed Patrick's fingers in his own hand.

'Patrick...I hope I'm wrong. For your sake. Chances are good that I probably am. I think we both know I don't really know very much about anything.'

Patrick looked confused. Kevin needed to do better.

'I mean...maybe there is something, or someone, more, out there, that is in control. Maybe there really is destiny and soul mates and kindred spirits waiting for each other. No...' He could see Patrick getting ready to protest. 'I'm not making fun, I swear. I really hope it's out there and...you find it. YOUR destiny. YOUR soul mate. Whatever, whoever is waiting for you . I really really hope you do.'

Patrick leaned in and kissed him. Very softly.

'Thank you.' he whispered into Kevin's mouth.

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut, as he pulled Patrick's face to his and kissed him back. Deeply. Thoroughly. And he let himself get lost in the millions of tiny signals his body was sending him to kiss Patrick, and to grab him, and to hold on to him. Millions of years of evolution couldn't be so wrong, he thought desperately, knowing all along of course, that it wasn't nature's mistake. It was his own.


	8. Chapter 8

Patrick was taking a rare moment to feel sorry for himself. The trouble with change and growth as a human being was that some days, you really really wanted to regress and be the old you, and give in to the temptation to act out and run away and dig your head in the sand, but then all the people you'd been pleading to sit up and aknowledge the new you would then be able to shake their heads sadly and force you to admit that it had been bullshit all along and there was nothing different about you at all. That all the pain and heartache and loneliness and fear that you had sworn made you wiser and stronger and more self-aware...well, it had been for nothing. 

So Patrick would let himself fantasize for exactly five minutes about running away again to a sparkly new city where no one knew him, and he could meet a nice boy and be mature and grownup with no baggage and no history. 

After that he would get back to tackling the frustrating, maddening, stubborn problem that was fucking up his lovely new life, called Kevin Matheson.

Patrick had once had a simple plan. Move to New York, start his new job, mend his fences with Owen, heal the wounds he'd inflicted on Kevin, and be happy. His hard won confidence and belief in himself were all the tools he needed. Oh. And patience. Lots of patience. And of course the ability to be subtle and filter his thoughts before he let them out of his mouth. And lastly his new found awareness of others and not just in relation to himself, but as people in their own right. He'd had the very best mentor of all while living in Texas, and had seen a living example of how being at peace with yourself and really respecting yourself was the surest way to bring out the best IN yourself and in others. 

He'd also learnt that resistance to change and the fear of the unknown were nothing more than projections of the fear of his own shortcomings, of what was lacking inside himself. So he'd dug deep, found the strength he needed and opened himself up, committed to experiencing anything life had to throw at him with grace and serenity.

Or at least that was the plan.

But Kevin fucking Matheson was testing his new found skill set to the fucking maximum and Patrick was contemplating resorting to some good old fashioned spiraling and tantrum-ing to wake him the fuck up.

Becoming Kevin's fuckbuddy hadn't been part of the plan of making amends. It's not as if he thought his skills in bed were remotely good enough to make up for all the shitty stuff that had gone down between them, and just one look at Ben in all his beautiful, lithe, grungy, glamorous glory would be enough to make Patrick rethink that strategy if he'd ever entertained it for even a second. But somehow the pull between them had rekindled almost from the start and the strength of it had taken Patrick by surprise. And still at first he'd thought he could manage the relationship. Control the errant feelings.

Before he'd wasted his time and his breath insisting to Owen that he could keep things between him and Kevin at a purely friendly level, he should have remembered how potent Kevin's draw had been, well before he'd gotten to know him, back when he'd first met him, on that huge ship at the launch party. And then, all those weeks of sexual tension when they'd been flirting and teasing as they worked closely together...how could he have forgotten the magnetism he'd felt. The easy banter, the shared obsessions, the mutual admiration and fascination, the white-hot flames when they fucked...

And despite those feelings having been layered over with guilt and shame and bitterness and disappointment and anger and betrayal, he should have realized that since he'd worked through those feelings and totally stripped them away during the years they'd been apart, he'd be back to seeing the Kevin he'd fallen in lust with at MDG.

It was all ridiculously obvious now. And of course, if he probed his subconscious he'd find that it was pretty obvious that first night Kevin had agreed to meet with him at the bar. 

So, fuckbuddies they'd become. And then Patrick had remembered some more things from years back that had made him ache to be with Kevin and had made his heart break when Kevin had chosen Jon, and then made it soar when Kevin had come to find him and asked Patrick to take him back. He remembered the tenderness, and the sheer joy in spending time together watching reruns and playing board games. The pride he'd felt when Kevin would do anything to make him happy, such as work on a stupid phone app and turn up un-prepared to a major tech conference so Patrick could have his five minutes of fame. The patience Kevin had shown, waiting for Patrick to tell him he loved him and then just so sweetly accepting it and making Patrick feel like he'd given him the best gift ever... 

But Kevin made sure that fuckbuddies was all they could be. The layers might have been stripped away for Patrick, but there were still thick coverings of them all over Kevin's mind. That was pretty fucking obvious. If they'd been any other two men who'd just met and had the same connection and chemistry that was so completely obvious between them, they'd probably be one of those boring couples by now that everyone else avoided because they were so sickeningly cute and cloying and predictable together. 

But instead of spending more and more time with each other, merging their lives closer, Kevin had taken to agreeing to plans at most once a week, and had even stopped staying over for the whole night. Ever since that one special night, when Patrick had almost melted at the way Kevin described his view of love, when Patrick's heart had ached at the sweetness of Kevin wishing a beautiful future with his soulmate for him...Kevin pretty much made sure they would end up at Patrick's place, and never let himself be caught in a quiet reflective mood again. He would literally fuck Patrick, or be fucked, then before the cum had even fully dried, he'd be up and running out of the door. 

Patrick wanted to slap him. Badly. 

If Kevin wasn't so ridiculously tender and lovely and sweet while they made love, Patrick might even feel like a booty call. But he was all those things. And he was also obviously really annoyed with himself for being like that because the more insatiable and passionate he was during sex, the more he let Patrick kiss him and cling to him and the more Patrick would and pant and groan his name, the faster he left the bed and disappeared after his orgasm. And they were pretty much down to one each of those per fuck now too, since god forbid Kevin would linger and let a second round start up. Any day now Patrick expected Kevin to come, pull out, dress and leave before Patrick had even got hard. 

Patrick wanted to kick him right in his tight ass, too.

But he also wanted to grab him and shake him and say 'I know you love me. You told me you love me. You told me when I had just cut your heart out and stomped all over it in San Fransisco. And you tell me each time you make me look at you when I come with you inside me. And it's ok cos what I feel feels a lot like love too so please please let me see if it is and stop pushing me away!'

And of course if he did, Kevin would irrevocably cut him out of his life forever. 

Fuck it. Maybe he should give Kevin what he thought he wanted and leave the poor man alone. Let him have Ben and any other casual fucks he wanted, let him believe that Patrick was still and always would be an inconsistent, fearful little shit-for-brains user and he was better off without him. That would probably be the kindest thing he could do for Kevin. 

Were his five minutes of self-pity up? Probably.

'Hey stranger.'

Patrick looked up and saw Ben. Of course. 

He drew in a deep breath and smiled.

'Hey Ben.'

'You alone tonight?'

'Uhm...nope. Just early. I'm meeting Owen and his girlfriend Bethany. She just passed her bar exam and we're having a night out to celebrate.' That was way too much information. Breathe...Patrick. Breathe.

'Mind if I sit while you wait?'

'Oh...well, sure. Why not?' Patrick clumsily agreed. 

'This is an interesting choice of place for you to be hanging out.' Patrick said quizzically, as Ben pulled out a chair to sit.

'Oh yeah. I guess it is. My friend just got a job as a bartender. I was here scoring free drinks. I hear the food is good, even if the atmosphere is a little...' Ben screwed his face up as he searched for the word.

'Straight?' Patrick offered.

'I was going to say average and pedestrian. But maybe those are the same thing, right?' Ben laughed.

Patrick smiled uneasily. 

'Relax Patrick. I'm not a heterophobe. I've even slept with women before.'

Of course he had. 

'I'm an equal opportunity slut. I don't judge people by their genitalia. Only by their looks.' Ben continued, almost conspiratorially. At Patrick's uncomfortable expression Ben laughed again. 'Don't look so worried. You pass the test. I'd fuck you.'

'Slut's a strong word, isn't it Ben? I mean, for someone who has no moral compass, it just sounds so judgmental.' 

'Touché Patrick. The kitten has claws. I like it.'

'I'm not a kitten, Ben. Nor a tiger. I don't know where you would get such an idea.' Patrick said easily. 

'Oh probably from Kevin, cos he feels so protective of the cute and fluffy Patrick Murray. I was sure you had to be part cuddly baby animal.'

'Protective?'

'Well of course! Why else would he put up with your presence in his life rather than tell you to fuck off and take your bourgeois guilt with you.' Ben said, with such a perfect look of surprised innocence on his pretty face. Patrick could see Oscars in the man's future.

'What bothers you about this, Ben? That Kevin likes to fuck me or that he likes to be with me?'

'What bothers me Patrick, is that I'm beginning to think I was wrong and that you actually mean him harm. So I guess I'm feeling guilty and I don't like to feel that. It's an annoying and messy feeling. But you know that, right?'

Patrick shook his head.

'I don't really know what you're talking about and why you should feel guilty about anything, but if you're asking me if I feel guilty about sleeping with the man that was your occasional boyfriend...then the answer is no because I know you don't really give a shit about that and neither does he.'

'I'm talking about the fact that I thought it would be good for Kevin to be bust open again by you so when you moved the fuck on like apparently you always do, he could get on with putting his life together again, and get a few kicks and giggles in the meantime.' Ben countered smoothly.

There was so much in that statement that Patrick found offensive he didn't know where to begin. Though the end was probably the best place.

'Kicks and giggles? And I'm not delivering? Is that your issue with me tonight? Because if it is, i suggest you ask Mr. Matheson why he calls me like clockwork on Monday morning at nine to make our weekly appointment, rather than communicate like a normal human being.'

'Well that's what is so incredibly disappointing Patrick. Because I thought for sure the way the two of you blushed and quivered in each other's presence was a sure sign that you could get him to behave like something other than a machine on autopilot. And I was wrong. Have I told you how I hate being wrong?' Ben frowned.

'You're such a drama queen.' Patrick mused. 'No wonder Kevin likes to fuck you. He has a weakness you know. High maintenance men given to dramatic flourishes. I thought at first you weren't like that because you're so cool and mellow, more like an arty poetic Jon type. But I see now it's just a cover for the technicolor fantasy world you really live in. He must be in heaven.' 

'He doesn't have a weakness for high maintenance men, Patrick. He just has a weakness for you. Whatever you were before I can tell you're pretty solid and steady now. And so, that's his type. Change into a leprechaun and he'll develop a soft spot for tiny Irish green pixies.'

Patrick stared at the suddenly very serious and very angry Ben.

'What am I doing wrong?' he asked simply.

'Why is he still protecting you? You're strong enough to take it. Why isn't he letting you see how angry he is?'

'Because he can't see it.' Patrick shook his head glumly. ' What you see? The fact that I'm someone he could talk to and shout at and hate and fight with...he'll never see that. And I don't know what to do.'

'Why? I mean, I can't believe I'm asking this and I kind of hate you for making me remotely care, but what the fuck did you do?'

'He hasn't told you anything since I met you?' Patrick was surprised. Mostly at his ability to still be shocked at how Kevin continued to suppress all of this.

'I hardly see him Patrick. If you think those other six days of the week when he's not with you he's at my place fucking my brains out, you're deadly wrong. All I know is that he's more miserable now then when you first got here and that wasn't the plan. You're supposed to at least make him happy until you break his heart.'

'He IS happy. When he's with me, at lease. When he lets himself be and forgets to be closed off and withdrawn. And as for what I did to him...it's not that complicated. I told him I didn't trust him, probably never loved him, and felt he was a cheating slut. And then I ran away when he tried to talk to me. And after I left him, when he would corner me at work and shout and curse at me for being a coward, I cried and begged him to leave me alone. And when he tried to beg me to talk and discuss I would tremble and call him a two-faced lier. Just your regular, run of the mill shit storm of a nuclear melt down.' Patrick explained.

Ben stared at him silently. For so long that Patrick began to feel uncomfortable. Breathe....Patrick. Breathe, he reminded himself. He was only responsible for his own actions going forward, and as for the past, he only needed Kevin's forgiveness. Not Ben's.

'Fuck. So he can't get angry because he thinks you'll run away. And he can't push you away because he wants you to stay. But he doesn't want you to stay because you remind him that you thought he was a shitty boyfriend.'

'That about sums it up.' Patrick agreed.

'But...weren't you cheating WITH him? How come you only cared after you were together?'

'I thought he would cheat again.' Patrick sighed.

Ben look confused.

'It was...complicated. I thought he would want an open relationship.'

'Like you have now?'

'Well...that's also complicated. I'm not actually sleeping with anyone else. I'm not built like that.' Patrick shrugged.

'So THAT'S why he stopped having sex with me.' Ben's face lit up.

'I didn't ask him to, and frankly, we've never talked about it.' Patrick rushed to explain. Not that he hadn't wanted to. But god knows he hadn't earned the right to make those sorts of demands. Which made the fact that he wasn't sharing Kevin with Ben an even more fucking awesome feeling he'd let himself glory in. After Ben left.

'Oh it's so much clearer now. How adorable. He's being 'faithful' to you even when you didn't ask him to be and you don't even know about it, which makes him feel like a martyr and special.' Ben air quoted the word 'faithful'. 

'I can tell you don't think much of monogamy.' Patrick said wryly.

'Whatever floats your boat, Patrick. Personally I don't see the point or the need. Sex is a physical itch and I like to scratch it. I'd no sooner agree to sleep with one person for the rest of my life than I'd decide to eat only one food for ever more.' Ben shrugged.

'I know. That's a popular view.'

'Born of realism. And of the understanding that some things are more important in defining a relationship than sex aren't they?'

'Let's just agree to disagree.'

'Does it come from insecurity?' Ben wouldn't let it go. 'I've always wondered.'

'No Ben. Not always. Sometimes it just comes from an old fashioned view that it's supposed to be more than an itch and it CAN be about showing how you feel about one special person. Like a gift.'

'I'd rather get a gift certificate to Barney's.'

Patrick snorted. 

'Anyway, who says he's monogamous. Just cos he's not fucking you...' Patrick raised his eyebrows at Ben.

'More importantly, what are you going to do about this shit show, Patrick?'

'Do you have any ideas?' Patrick asked after a long silent pause.

'I'm out of fairy godmother dust. I brought you both to the ball, but I was kind of hoping you could handle things from there.'

Patrick wondered what went on inside that strange head of Ben's. Fairy godmother? More like wicked witch.

'I guess i'd say that if he hasn't let you apologize and move on yet, he's going to make this linger, so maybe you need to man up and cut it off. Maybe you won't get the beautiful resolution you wanted, but maybe that's the burden you have to carry for being a dick in a past life.'

Wow. That was...blunt. Even for Ben.

'And if I just want to apologize and then move on WITH him?'

'Do you?' Ben asked.

'I think so. But he won't let me find out. I wouldn't want to go on with him as he is now, like this, forever, but if it could be different...if he could be...'

'Different?'

'No. If he could just fucking relax and let me close so we can try this for real, then maybe I'd know.'

'Huh. A real life catch 22. I thought they were just an urban legend.'

'Can you stop joking around for even just one minute, Ben?' Patrick asked quietly.

'Not really.' Ben shrugged. 'And here's my final take. It's a lost cause Patrick. He's not going to change. You're not going to wear him down. It would take a sledgehammer, and though I don't see you as a kitten or a little boy or a sweet young thing with apple cheeks and boundless naivety and innocence...you're no sledgehammer. Put you and him both out of your misery. Prove his worst fears right and walk the fuck away.'

And with that Ben got up to leave.

'I don't think I can.' Patrick said, looking up at him. 

'I'm not surprised. He's a nice man. And a good fuck. If i were so inclined I'd probably be half in love with him myself.' Ben put a hand on Patrick's shoulder. And Patrick found it strangely comforting.

'And if it's any comfort, you should know that I'll be here to help pick up the pieces after you shatter his life again.' Ben squeezed Patrick gently, before he turned and walked out.

Fuck. That wasn't any comfort at all. He didn't want Ben picking any pieces of Kevin up. Or touching any pieces of Kevin ever. For any reason. 

So, Kevin needed a sledgehammer. Ok. Challenge fucking accepted.

Patrick smiled as he saw Owen and Bethany enter the restaurant and walk towards him. Strategy. He needed a strategy. And who better than to help him than a gamer nerd and a soon-to-be lawyer. He'd assemble his team, and get to fucking work.


	9. Chapter 9

'This is good.' Kevin nodded appreciatively around his last mouthful of noodles.

'You like it? I think it's good, right? It's Owen's favorite dish and Bethany gave me the recipe. Though she's a god-damned liar because this shit took about two hours just to chop all the fricking vegetables, and marinade the chicken and...'

'Don't spoil it, Patrick. It's just a bowl of noodles.' Kevin rolled his eyes.

'To you maybe. To me it represents the blood, sweat and tears of an afternoon I'll never get back again.'

'Drama queen.' 

Patrick smiled. 

'I'm going to make it with shrimp for you, next time.'

'Patrick, I've told you...'

'You can't NOT like shellfish, Kevin. It's just...inconceivable.' Patrick sighed dramatically.

'You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.'

'Nerd. And your accent is appalling by the way.'

'I hate shrimp. Don't make it with shrimp.' Kevin shuddered. 

'Tofu?'

'Oh god. I suppose if you need to make it with something other than chicken then I can handle tofu. But is that even a food?'

'You have very strange food peculiarities.'

Kevin snorted. This from an American that was sickened by the thought of peanut butter. Positively unpatriotic. He was about to make a scathing pithy comment to that effect when Patrick got up from his tiny table in his tiny kitchen and  whisked their bowls away, returning within seconds to sit back down and grab Kevin's hand.

'What...'

'I've got a special desert, but you can't have it till later.' Patrick said mysteriously, lacing their fingers together and rubbing Kevin's knuckles with his thumb. Kevin stared at their joined hands. He knew he should just casually pull away and drop his hand in his lap, or else ask Patrick outright what the fuck he thought he was doing because non-sexual touching was not part of the deal. But...instead he decided to just enjoy it. Because, fuck it, it felt good. Patrick was suspiciously quiet though. And that worried Kevin more than the hand holding. And wait...what about that casual reference to making Kevin food in the future. He was fucking sneaky, trying to pull that shit past Kevin and expecting him not to notice. Which to be fair, he hadn't at first. Seduced by a bowl of steaming noodles that Patrick had spent hours preparing. 

'What are you up to?' Kevin asked, looking up at Patrick.

'I've made a desert. It's your favorite.' Patrick shrugged innocently.

'Why can't I have it till later?'

'Because I want you to stay.'

Well. Ok then. That was easy.

'Patrick, I have an early meeting....'

'It's Friday night Kevin. You're mixing up your days.' Patrick smiled.

'With a new trainer. At my gym.' Kevin recovered quickly. He pulled his hand away and picked up his glass of water.

Patrick didn't say anything. He just sat back in his chair and raised his eyebrows.

'Is that true?'

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Kevin had scrupulously avoided lying in any way to Patrick. Which had meant that his team at work often bitched and complained about the stupidly early meetings he scheduled on the mornings after his nights with Patrick. And also meant that he'd spent some very boring evenings attending work functions and team building events he would usually excuse himself from. But it was all worth it to be able to look Patrick squarely in the eye and be able to say to him that not once, never once since he'd left Jon over two years ago, had Kevin lied to him. About anything.

So...he was either literally going to have to find a new trainer before the gym opened in barely ten hours, or just confess that it had been a bullshit excuse.

'It's alright. You don't have to answer. I can see you're practically having an aneurism just trying to figure out how to worm your way out of this.' Patrick laughed. 'But...your punishment for being so transparent is that you actually have to stay the night. And then we can go to the gym together in the morning and you can work off the fabulous chocolate...'

'I'm not staying, Patrick.' Kevin said firmly. 'You know that's not what we do.'

'What we do?' Patrick repeated, slowly.

'Look, it was very sweet of you to cook this special meal, and I'd be happy to have the desert you made, and I hope we get to have some great sex...but if this is going to be one of those nights where you're going to make things difficult then...'

'I think it might be.' Patrick interrupted. 'Though in my version, it's you making this difficult Kevin. Not me.'

Kevin frowned.

'And how exactly does that work? In your head?' Kevin asked.

'Have you picked up guys at a bar before?'

'Is that a rhetorical question?'

'Have you spent the whole night, with a stranger, you picked up at a bar?'

'It's not the same...'

'Did you spend the night with Ben? When you were seeing him?'

Hold the fuck on. Why was Patrick putting Ben in the past tense? What the fuck did he know?

'It's none of your bus...'

'I'm just saying that you deliberately NOT spending the night here, once in a while, when you did at first, is making things difficult.'

Kevin stayed silent. Frankly, because he really had no clue what to say.

'I know you're making a statement, and the statement has been received and read loud and clear. Can we move on from that now, and act like grown ups?' Patrick continued.

Like grown ups? Like fucking grown ups? There was no way in hell Patrick just said those words to him. 

'You didn't just...'

'Calm down, Kevin.'

What. The. Fuck.

'Are you out of your fucking...'

'Just stop for a moment, and think.'

'Stop fucking interrupting me!' Kevin shouted, and was pleased to see Patrick flinch for a second, before he composed himself again and folded his arms across his chest.

'I'm interrupting you because we don't need to have this conversation.' Patrick said calmly. 'We've been having it every time we get together and you walk out the door as soon as we finish fucking. We've been having it every time you tell me you can't see me except for the one day you can squeeze me into your mysteriously busy schedule. We've been having it every time you refuse to even entertain the idea of doing something other than coming here to eat and fuck, like going to a bar, or for a walk, or god forbid even eating at a diner. I hear what you are saying in each one of those instances so you don't have to say it all again now.'

Kevin took a deep breath to calm himself down. He didn't want to face Patrick like this. He needed to remain in control if he wanted to keep the upper hand. And he needed to keep the fucking upper hand. He was GLAD Patrick had got his message. He hadn't tried to be subtle.He couldn't be because it took all he had to just keep delivering the message in the bluntest way possible. He had no reserves left for subtlety. Because it was fucking hard to keep delivering the message when sometimes all he wanted to do was lay his head down next to Patrick's on his pillow and pull him into his arms and just go to sleep so he could wake up next to him the next morning and start the day off with a sleepy fuck and a playful shower, fighting over who had to make the coffee, joking over bad breath and who was the stickiest and grimiest, sharing underwear because he hadn't brought a change with him, competing with each other over how they would get to spend the day...

It was really hard to pull away every time when he could remember how lovely it had been when  the biggest concern they'd had during their long lazy days was whether Agustin would walk in on them fucking on the sofa or over the kitchen table, or in the crappy low-pressure shower Patrick loved so much for it's period wainscoting...

But he'd done it. And Patrick knew why, which was good. Kevin was happy not to discuss it. Ever. But that looked like it wasn't going to be possible.

'If you want walks in the park and hand holding and candlelit dinners, maybe you should get yourself a boyfriend.' Kevin said quietly.

'That's what I was trying to do.' Patrick shot back.

Kevin looked at him.  

'Not even you can be that naive, Patrick.' He shook his head wearily.

Patrick sighed heavily and stared back. Wasn't this about the time he was supposed to falling apart, hyperventilating, descending into hysteria? Sometimes Kevin missed the old Patrick. This new one was a little too flinty.

'Ok. You got me. I am that naive. Because to me, if you are spending time with someone and actually enjoying that time, not running out of things to say, not finding them boring, looking forward to telling them stuff, laughing about stuff together, and then also having great sex...then it seems to me you don't have to look much further for a boyfriend. What is exactly is missing?'

'I don't know Patrick...how about the desire to have a boyfriend in the first place? Not all of us are looking for that in life. Some of us just want to hook up and get our rocks off.'

'Bullshit.'

'Maybe. Or maybe not. You're not the only one that 'changed'.' The air quote thing got a reaction. Kevin watched Patrick's eyes narrow and his mouth flatten. He was not happy. Not at all.

'Oh you changed. I can see you changed. You're a much bigger pussy than you were two years ago.'

'Excuse me?' Kevin leaned forward in his chair, bracing his hands on the table.

'You were ready to take risks back then. Ready to take a chance on yourself and me. But now...you can't reach out for the thing you want. And you also can't stop yourself from coming back for more...'

'You've got no fucking idea what I want.' Kevin hissed, furious at the thought that Patrick found him so pathetic. Which he was. He so fucking was. But he didn't have to be. 'And as for stopping myself from coming back for more, that can be easily arranged.' Kevin pushed away from the table as he stood up.

'No. Don't go.' Patrick jumped up and grabbed his arm.

It wasn't that his grip was too strong for Kevin to break. It wasn't even that Patrick seemed genuinely upset at the thought that Kevin was about to walk out. It wasn't either of those things that stopped Kevin in his tracks. 

It's that Kevin didn't fucking want to go. 

Kevin was immobilized, staring at the hand gripping him tightly. What the fuck was he supposed to do? Pull his arm away and storm out like a fucking drama queen? He looked up at Patrick, genuinely confused. Oh fuck, he didn't want to go. He didn't want it to end. Why was Patrick making this have to end? Why the fuck couldn't he have left this alone?

Patrick's hand loosened it's grip, but it didn't let him go. Instead it started gently caressing Kevin. Petting him. Patrick was calming him. Soothing him. Kevin's heart sank. Because it was working.

'Kevin...I'm sorry.' Patrick spoke gently, cautiously. 'I got carried away. I don't want you to stop coming back for more.' Then he smiled. Or at least it was an attempt at a smile. 'I want you to want to come back for more than you're coming back for. Shit...wait.' Patrick ran his free hand through his hair. 'Did that make sense? Just...sit down. Ok? Can we both just...sit.' Patrick trailed off. 

Kevin sat. Slowly. Only then did Patrick let him go.

'Ok...that was wrong of me. To call you a pussy. I didn't mean it. You know that, right?' Patrick asked quietly. 'It's just you're so fucking stubborn...no. I didn't mean that either. You're not to blame for what I called you. I lost it. And I didn't mean to. You hit a nerve.' Patrick admitted, and Kevin wondered at the way he could so easily lay himself bare before the enemy. Didn't Patrick see that Kevin was his enemy? 'You mocked my 'change' as you put it and that...bugged me. I'm sorry. I've worked hard on that you know, and...you just dismiss it so easily.'

Kevin laughed bitterly.

'I knew this was about you showing off the new and improved version. Another chapter in the 'Patrick show'.' There. That would derail him surely.

'You know that's not true.' Patrick just continued in his calm, soothing voice. 'I know you liked the old me better. If I wanted to ingratiate myself with you I should just hang around and fall apart at every little thing you say to me so you can put me back together and be my savior and my hero. The big strong man who can deal with Patrick and his little queen-outs.'

'Now who's full of bullshit?' Kevin snorted.

'Really? Because nothing seems to get you more pissed than seeing that you can't intimidate me or bend me to your will.'

'I never did that to you. Never.'

'Of course you did. You were a fucking unstoppable force. I felt like I'd just barely tamed a lion when you said you needed me or wanted me. Like I'd won the boyfriend lottery and I didn't even know I'd bought a ticket.'

'Jesus. You and your revisionist history. You had ALL the fucking power. Nothing happened that I didn't have to beg for. And even then, that wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough. I was never enough.' Kevin spat out bitterly. And how funny that those were the very words Patrick had cried out to him in that fucking parking lot. 

Patrick seemed to shrink back into himself at hearing those words. And there it all lay, between them. And surely there was no coming back from that. 

'You're right.' Patrick said eventually. 'You weren't enough. I had to be a bigger part of the equation to make us equal. I had to grow up some more Kevin. You couldn't be grown up enough for the both of us. No one could be enough for that. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry Kevin.'

Kevin could hear his own breathing struggle to even out in the silence of the kitchen.

'But...' Patrick, the brave little fucker, continued, 'that was then, and here we are now. And I want to know what is missing NOW. I want a boyfriend. And I think I could have one if you would let me.'

Kevin shook his head.

'Patrick, I'm done with trying to be trusted.'

'I know you're not seeing anyone else. I know you're only seeing me, Kevin.'

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut.

'I can't...I don't want to deal with this. I like you,' Kevin swallowed, 'but if this boyfriend thing is a deal-breaker then...'

'Can I ask you something?' Patrick interrupted him. Again. Kevin prayed for strength.

'What.' 

'Let's not call it anything. Let's not label it or even define it. But that goes both ways. I won't call it a relationship and expect anything from you that you don't want to give, but you won't put up false barriers and artificial rules, like not sleeping over. Can you do that much?'

'If you want a boyfriend you should find one, Patrick.' Kevin tried again.

'All I want to know is can you do that? Sleep over and admit that you might want to spend some time together outside of this apartment.'

'That's suddenly two things.' Kevin pointed out, knowing that he was getting weaker by the minute.

'It's the same one thing. No. Artificial. Barriers.' 

Kevin sighed.

'Oh, and I get to fuck you too. That's part of it. The barriers thing. And face to face if I want.'

When did Patrick realize he'd won this particular battle? Probably when Kevin hadn't walked out of the kitchen several sentences ago as he should have. But that was ok. Because Patrick was fighting the wrong war. He thought that Kevin was the one he had to convince to be part of the Kevin and Patrick team. Kevin had never not once been on that team from the first moment he'd kissed Patrick at Megan's wedding. No. Patrick was ultimately going to lose because he wouldn't be able to fight his own nature. He wasn't going to be able to stop himself from thinking that love looked different than what they'd had. He was going to remember that Kevin was smart and funny and a good fuck, but that he wasn't deep. He wasn't soulful. He didn't think life was a gift that you should live to the fullest. He thought life was a hard grind and you had to milk it for all you could. He was ambitious, and he was materialistic, and he was greedy and he was the man who'd fucked Patrick while he had a boyfriend. The man who had massages with happy endings. And didn't think it was such a big deal.

But for now Patrick had convinced himself those things didn't matter. By some mysterious alchemy, Kevin, who was the same man he had been back in San Francisco, just with more miles on him, was now acceptable. 

Patrick fucking Murray was a mystery. But one thing Kevin would bet his life on. Patrick Murray would eventually remember what he saw that day he'd walked into their shiny new apartment, surprised at how he didn't know any of Kevin's 'stuff'. He would remember that the more of his stuff Patrick saw, the more he saw Kevin as something to back away from. Something not to be trusted. A big, fat, ugly mistake.

And even as Kevin's heart hurt to think of that moment to come, and to imagine seeing that same look on Patrick's face as he'd seen on that rooftop that night, he couldn't walk away yet. Not while Patrick was saying he wanted him. Wanted him to stay the night. Wanted to wake up next to him. Wanted to fuck him. Face to face...

Patrick was still waiting for an answer.

'Come here and fuck me.' Kevin growled, standing up and reaching his hand to Patrick. His palm up. 

Patrick looked at the offered hand, then back up to Kevin's eyes. 

'Will you stay for desert after? It's chocolate mousse. Full cream.'

Kevin nodded.

Patrick narrowed his eyes.

'Will you be here in the morning?'

Kevin paused to consider.

'If you fuck me hard enough I will.' 

Patrick stood up silently and turned to open a drawer. He threw a string of condoms and 3 packets of lube onto the kitchen table. Kevin smiled as he started unbuttoning his jeans.

In the end, Kevin was there in the morning. Because Patrick had fucked him very hard, and very well. 

He'd fucked him from behind, pushing Kevin down across the kitchen table, advising Kevin to hold on tight because if he remembered right, you could get severe nipple burn from being rubbed across a wooden surface unless you braced yourself just right. And he was considerate enough to give Kevin some time to find the right grip across the small square table before he pushed his fingers into Kevin's ass and fucked him like that, rubbing Kevin's prostate, filling him with cold lube that warmed up quickly, pulling out just before Kevin was about to beg and then pushing his significantly bigger cock in to fill up that empty hunger he'd created. 

Then Patrick fed him chocolate mousse as Kevin sat at that same table with cum drying on his chest. And nipple burn.

Later, Patrick fucked him hard and well, this time riding Kevin, on the sofa. Kevin had tried to control the pace by throwing an arm around Patrick's waist, pulling that strong sturdy body down on himself, threading a hand through Patrick's hair to keep his head close enough to be able to access that magical mouth. But Patrick wouldn't let him control shit. He pulled his head back and forced Kevin's mouth to his nipple instead, demanding he lick him, bite him, leave a mark on him, while he ground down onto Kevin's cock, bracing himself on Kevin's thighs, and fucked the living daylights out of him.

The last time Patrick fucked him had been in bed. And it hadn't been hard, but it had been very very thorough. It had been quiet, and gentle, and Patrick had leaned down and kissed Kevin everywhere he could reach. He'd traced Kevin's eyes with his tongue, nipped Kevin's chin and neck with his sharp teeth, and eventually settled on Kevin's mouth while he rocked gently into Kevin, his pace slow enough to make Kevin ache for more, his thrusts deep enough to make Kevin pant and wonder why he didn't bottom for this amazing man every day of his fucking life. And when Patrick took Kevin's hand and place it on Kevin's own cock and told him he wanted to watch Kevin jerk himself off while he fucked him, Kevin was glad he'd decided to stay and eat the chocolate mousse and agreed to sleep in that bed all night. 

And jerking himself off while looking at Patrick's face, while feeling Patrick deep inside of him...he could only just barely remember that he wasn't enough for Patrick Murray, because Patrick Murray made him feel like he was absolutely everything, in the middle of the night. 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Patrick stood next to Kevin, watching Owen and Bethany's retreating figures.

'That wasn't so bad, right?'

'He was actually pretty mellow.' Kevin laughed. 'I thought it was going to be non-stop snark with the two of you.'

'Bethany's a good influence on him. And I think he's also really quiet and nervous cos he's getting ready to propose.' Patrick smiled. 

'Really? Well...that's...' Kevin hesitated.

'Fantastic?' Patrick suggested. 

'Yeah. It is.' Kevin nodded. He turned to look outwards, over the Highline, towards New Jersey, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Patrick watched him closely. They'd had a very pleasant brunch, the four of them, and had been lazily walking along chatting until they'd got to a point on the Highline where Owen and Bethany could easily catch a train back to Brooklyn. All very nice. Amiable. Kevin had behaved so well these past two weeks, but this was the first time they'd met friends. As a very loose definition of a couple. Was he going to flip out?

'Hey, you ok?' Patrick prodded him. 'What are you thinking about?'

Kevin shrugged and shook his head.

'Nothing in particular. I'm really happy for him. For them. If she says yes, of course.'

'Why wouldn't she?'

'Would you? Want to spend the rest of your life with Owen?' Kevin grimaced.

'Oh god. That's...don't...' Patrick shook his head violently. Kevin laughed at him then looked back out to Jersey.

'Though...if you stay at this job...won't you actually end up spending more time with Owen than Bethany does?'

'That might actually be a good enough reason to leave.' Patrick said thoughtfully.

'At least he didn't persuade you to live in Brooklyn. I thought he had you for a moment. Saw you wavering.'

'You were right. Manhattan is pretty much unbeatable. If you can afford it.'

'I fucking love this city.' Kevin sighed.

'So you keep telling me.'

'The people...I mean, most of them are wankers of course, but they're honest wankers.'

Patrick rolled his eyes. He knew what was coming. Kevin's rant about the false cheerfulness of Americans. It was best not to try and derail him though. Arguing for positivity with Kevin only proved his point as far as he was concerned.

'They don't smile, and pretend to care if you're having a nice day, or say sorry when they push you out of the way cos you're walking too slowly, or give a shit about walk signals, or two fucks about double parking. I love it. Waiters are snobby and pissy, the guy at the 7 11 looks like he'd sooner stab me than sell me a bottle of water...'

'I get it Kevin.' Patrick interrupted him sweetly. 'You're right. Nice Americans are all just hiding a deep underbelly of seething hatred and bitterness and only here in New York can we be ourselves. Like our proud forefathers, the cunty English.'

'You owe your entire culture to us, not to mention the language that you...'

'Butcher. I know. We're lazy and ungrateful, and would have been much better off sticking with you guys rather than trying for that whole independence thing.' Patrick nodded agreeably.

'We wouldn't have kept you around for long. Much too unruly. Too much exuberance. Too much emotion. Well...we would have kept the New Yorkers, but the rest of you...anywhere West of the Hudson we'd have let go willingly as soon as the first one of you wished us to have a nice day.'

'You wouldn't even exclude San Francisco from your condemnation? Surely there were enough moody hipsters there to make you happy.'

Kevin scoffed.

'Hipsters are worse than the cheerful ones. The ones like you. All smiles and clean cut and midwestern, with your big bright eyes and your eager grin. Utterly appalling.'

Patrick smiled.

'You can pretend to be all cynical and tough, but I know you Kevin Matheson.' Patrick said as he started walking away from Kevin, continuing on the path. He knew Kevin would follow. Kevin was in a good mood today, and not fighting to keep his distance too hard. Brunch hadn't put him on edge, and for that, Patrick was fucking grateful. He wanted to enjoy relaxed, happy Kevin a bit longer. The Kevin without his guards up. The Kevin he liked to spend time with.

'I am tough. I'm from Essex, remember? You don't get much tougher than an Essex boy, I'll tell you that.' Kevin caught up with Patrick.

Patrick rolled his eyes. 

'An Essex boy who likes to get his nails manicured, his hair trimmed obsessively every two weeks, his muscles just big enough to fill out his favorite button down but no bigger because then his neck would bulge too much for his cashmere sweaters...'

'I have a certain level of refinement. But I still know how to fight dirty.' Kevin grinned.

'Did you go back? To Romford? When you were in England.' Patrick asked.

Kevin didn't answer immediately, which didn't surprise Patrick. He knew he was weighing his answer carefully. Deciding on how open he wanted to be. They still hadn't spoken about the lost two years beyond the most casual, cautious of references. 

'I did.' Kevin said eventually. 'I visited my dad a couple of times. It's a short train ride from London.'

'And your mom? Did you see her?' Patrick pushed a little more.

'No. She's actually moved to Australia. With a bloke. A new one.'

'Wow. Australia.'

'Yep. And she's really happy there, she says. This guy's different apparently.' Kevin said, air quoting the 'different'. Oh boy. He obviously wasn't impressed.

'Different?'

'Probably means he doesn't drink himself into a stupor every night and doesn't call her a stupid cunt when they run out of beers.'

Huh.

'She doesn't have very good taste in men, then?' Patrick ventured quietly.

'My dad was the first in a long line of losers.' Kevin affirmed.

'I'm sorry.'

Kevin shrugged.

'At least I have a reason to go to Australia, I suppose.'

'Do you need a reason? I mean...it's Australia! Doesn't everyone want to visit Australia?' Patrick laughed.

'Not me. Never really had any allure for me.'

'Where WOULD you like to go, then? If it could be anywhere.' Patrick asked.

'You mean somewhere I haven't been?'

'Yes. Somewhere totally new.'

'Well, that counts out all of Europe, then, which I of course travelled round hopping from gay mecca to gay mecca as a student...'

'Really? You did that?' Patrick was intrigued.

'Yeah. As soon as I pulled together the money I was off and running. Had to experience Amsterdam, didn't I? And Berlin of course. And Rome, Barcelona, Prague...'

'Jesus!' Patrick shook his head. 'Where the fuck haven't you been?'

'South America. I'd like to go to South America. I'd like to go to see the rain forest. That would be something pretty fucking spectacular, don't you think?'

'Since the most exciting place I've ever been to is Canada, I think anywhere they don't speak English would be exotic.'

Kevin laughed.

'I thought the Murrays were loaded!'

'My parents are. But they like upscale resort vacations. You know, where the fishing and the tennis and the pre-dinner drinks in the library are included. Boring as fuck when I was growing up. And lonely too. Not at all gay.'

'You poor thing. Missing out on all the gay hotspots of the world. Thankfully they're all still there you know. Just get on a plane and go and visit.' Kevin pushed Patrick's shoulder.

They walked in companionable silence for a little, Patrick wondering what had really stopped him all these years from being more adventurous. Would he have travelled if he'd had someone to go with? That was such a stupid reason for not going to all the places on his bucket list. Though...was it really his bucket list? He talked about traveling, but at the end of the day he'd always chosen people over places. Spending time with friends rather than flying somewhere alone just to say he'd been. But yeah...if he'd had someone to go with, it would have been amazing. 

Patrick stepped aside as two men, holding hands, approached them on the path. The Highline was always crowded on a Sunday morning. Especially on such a clear, bright, mild day. The couple smiled at him in thanks as they walked past. Patrick turned to watch them walk away. He sighed.

'Did you ever go anywhere you were scared? You know...to be gay?' Patrick asked as he resumed walking.

'Scared?'

'Yeah...where you had to hide it. Because you could get hurt. Or in trouble.' 

Kevin nodded his head in understanding.

'Oh yeah. There were places I was scared. I remember being in Morocco and wondering how all those gay British men used to spend months and months there sixty or seventy years ago, and how it just seemed to be where every queer went...but now...god help the poor bastards who are stuck there. I've never been so straight acting in my life. I didn't even masturbate for the week I was there, I was so sexually repressed. Beautiful place...but...fucking scary.' Kevin shuddered.

'Wow. I feel...I've been so lucky. I mean, Colorado was tough when I was growing up but I wasn't so much scared as...embarrassed. Ashamed. You know what I mean?'

'Of course I do. I was the only gay person I knew till I went to college. It's not something I shouted out from the rooftops back in Romford.'

'I wish I'd been a bit bolder though. I bet I could have met people if I made the effort. Maybe even been a little more open about it with my family.' Patrick sighed.

'Hindsight. And it's not even necessarily true. Ten years, no fifteen, sixteen years ago, when we were teens, it wasn't like this. You know that. It was hard enough trying to understand what the fuck was going on with your body and coming to terms with it in your own head, let alone facing all the ignorant fuckers who wanted nothing more than to fix you or save you or explain you away.' Kevin shot back. 'And as for your family, why do we have to do all the smoothing over and the making it easy for them. What about us as people? What about you? What about your mom? Megan? They should be the ones wondering why they didn't make it easier for YOU. Why we had to live half lives with half truths for years. At the end of the day, what the fuck difference does it make in THEIR lives? It's us who have to live with thinking about what we can and can't do in public, how gay we can be when we meet new people. We have to live with the fact that people look at us and still wonder who fucks who and who takes it up the arse. Fucking homophobic pricks.'

Patrick kept silent as he listened to Kevin's bitter words. How easy it was to look at him and see this supremely confident, self-assured man and to forget that he had his own coming out saga. His own quiet realizations and silent confessions in the dark of his bedroom that he was different and it wasn't changing. His own loneliness and confusion and eventual acceptance that ultimately brought him to this point in his life where he was openly out and, if not proud, then sure as fuck not bothered about anyone's opinion any more.

'I think I faced more homophobia in my head than in real life.' Patrick said quietly when Kevin finally fell silent. 'I mean..not from my head...but more that I expected people to be a lot worse than they really ever were. To me.'

'Yeah well living in big cities helps.' Kevin pointed out.

'That's true. And I was lucky I had the choice to do that. And things really have changed so much. But I don't know if I always take advantage of that. I sometimes wonder if I'm maybe stuck in fifteen years ago.'

'Patrick, you go to clubs where you can suck men's dicks in public if you so wanted to. You've openly lived with at least two men that i know of...how are you not fully out?' Kevin rolled his eyes.

'Well...look at us now.'

'What?'

'Everyone else is walking along, holding hands, arms around shoulders...I've even seen people kissing on the benches.' Patrick said as nonchalantly as he could.

'Patrick...'

'This is New York, right? and we're in the heart of...or at least above the heart of, Chelsea, which is OUR neighborhood. The gays own Chelsea. If you're in Chelsea, then you have to expect to see gay stuff.'

'Patrick...'

'So why aren't we doing that too?' Patrick persisted, not letting Kevin stop him.

'Doing what?' Kevin asked warily.

'Holding hands. Why aren't you holding my hand?'

'I did. In San Francisco.'

'I know. But San Francisco is Chelsea on steroids. Owen is the outlier in San Fransisco.'

'There's families here, Patrick. Kids.'

Patrick raised one eyebrow at Kevin.

'Yes. It makes a difference, ok?' Kevin muttered.

'I wonder if we care more about that then they do.'

'I'm not interested in finding out.'

'Are you ashamed?' Patrick asked, finding it hard to equate that emotion with Kevin.

'I don't like to be looked at as some sort of curiosity. I don't want to be pointed at and made into a teachable moment. It's not that difficult of a concept surely. Those other people you see holding hands and kissing, no one gives a fuck. No one's going to tell their friends that they were walking on the highline and saw two heteros making out on a bench. I don't want to be the subject of someones titillation. I'm not a fucking freak show, Patrick.'

'I know, I know. It's ok.' Patrick soothed him as they continued to walk, a little faster, with a little more purpose. Kevin was obviously no longer strolling.

'But...' Patrick ventured.

'Patrick...'

'Just hear me out. Ok?'

Kevin stopped and faced Patrick. In his warrior pose. Eyebrows furrowed, hands on hips, chin jutting out. Patrick might have been intimidated once. God...that felt like years ago.

'I could either see myself as providing salacious entertainment for some of these people, and feel humiliated by the fact that I'll be looked at and whispered about, or I can see myself as free to express how I feel to the person I'm with, in any way I want.'

Kevin was shaking his head well before Patrick had finished his statement.

'You know it's not simply a matter of choosing how to feel...'

'Hold on.' Patrick put up a hand to stop Kevin. 'Isn't it in your favorite movie that they say 'build it and they will come'?'

'No. What he says is 'build it and HE will come.'' Kevin said grumpily.

'You know what I mean. Sometimes you have to act like you don't care and eventually you won't.'

'I know what it means, Professor Murray. Thank you for the lecture. And by the way, I don't care that I'm gay. I fucking LOVE that I'm gay. I'm happy to tell each one of these fuckers that I'm gay and that I love to fuck gay men. What I do care about is letting them have an opinion when they don't have the right to one.' Kevin retorted.

'Kiss me.' Patrick said.

'Fuck off.' Kevin replied, pointedly. But not too harshly. Patrick was relieved about that.

'I dare you to kiss me. Right here, in broad daylight, on the Highline, with heterosexuals all around.'

'I don't want to kiss you. You had friend onions for brunch.'

'So did you. We'll match.' Patrick reminded him.

'This is stupid, Patrick.'

'Kiss me because I feel like being kissed, or if you prefer, I'll kiss you cos I love doing that.'

'I'll pass thank you very much.'

'Kiss me because you don't give a fuck what any of these people think and because you love kissing.' Patrick pressed on.

Kevin simply shook his head.

'Kiss me because it's a beautiful day and I want to share this feeling with you. And because even though you hate schmaltzy Americans you actually secretly yearn to be one and you know that it would be the most romantic thing to kiss me here, right now.'

Kevin was looking at him now, chewing his lip. 

'Kevin, kiss me because you want to.'

Patrick never really doubted that Kevin would kiss him. He'd really never not given Patrick anything he'd asked for. It might take him a little time, but he was pretty reliable. Patrick stepped up to Kevin, and put his hands on Kevin's shoulders. He leaned forward slowly, giving Kevin the chance to pull back, even though he knew he wouldn't.

Patrick had wanted to keep his eyes open while he pressed his lips agains't Kevin's closed mouth, but he couldn't help himself. They fluttered closed as he got close enough to feel Kevin's breath on his face. In the end he kissed Kevin with smiling lips, as he felt Kevin's hands grip his hips and pull him close.

They were chaste. Small butterfly kisses. Seconds of contact before parting, but then always coming back together again. Patrick couldn't help himself and his mouth opened, letting his tongue peak out and lick Kevin's delicious lips with the smallest of dabs. Kevin opened his own mouth to let Patrick's tongue inside, and Patrick stole a quick swipe of Kevin's tongue before he pulled back and stared at Kevin through his suddenly heavy lids. Kevin was breathing a little heavier, and...unless Patrick was mistaken, Kevin was deliberately sniffing him. He made no bones about the fact that he loved the smell of Patrick's skin. He swore the freckles made his scent different than other people's. Patrick smiled.

'Thank you.' He said looking into Kevin's eyes.

Kevin cleared his throat.

'Don't think it's going to be a habit.'

'I won't. I promise.' Patrick assured him, smiling sweetly.

'Let's go. I want to fuck you.' Kevin said gruffly.

Patrick nodded. What...He looked down at his suddenly occupied hand. 

Kevin raised an eyebrow.

'Well if they fucking saw you stick your tongue down my throat, holding hands is hardly going to be a big deal, is it?' He challenged Patrick.

'Nope. Not at all.'

They walked together in silence, their fingers entwined. 

'Can we swing our...'

'Don't push your luck, Patrick.' Kevin growled. 

Patrick demurred. It was a beautiful day to be alive, and walking on the Highline, with his non-defined-boyfriend, holding hands. It was a lovely beginning.

 


	11. Chapter 11

'Wait...no. No..don't. Just...hold on hold on...'

Kevin knew better than to stop.

'Please...I don't want to...Jesus...fuck...'

He somehow had to get Patrick beyond this stage. When he was bossy and gripping Kevin's hair and trying to tell him what to do it meant that he was still not totally lost in his headspace. He still had too much control. Kevin liked him mindless. Panting and gasping, not even able to spout his gibberish.

Ow...fuck. The little shit was really tugging on his hair. As if Kevin didn't know exactly where Patrick wanted his head to be.

'Kevin stop....I want...no...I don't want...' Patrick gasped, twisting his body away from Kevin's mouth, but making sure Kevin's head followed.

Kevin was quite eager to get to the main event so he fast forwarded a little.

'Oh...okay...yeah...yeah...that's right...just...there..yeah...a little to the...no...that's just...oh....' Patrick sighed.

Kevin grinned as he pushed another finger into Patrick and found that little bump that was making Patrick shiver every time he rubbed over it. He was so fucking beautiful when he was blissed out. Kevin was torn between sitting up so he could watch Patrick's face as he floated on his high, or bending down and taking Patrick's cock in his mouth so he could ratchet up Patrick's delicious agony. Cock always won.

'Fuuuuuck. Yessssssss.' Patrick hissed as Kevin swallowed him whole. And finally Patrick was beyond words.

But Kevin was playing the long game. He drove Patrick to the promised land...and then pulled him back. Carefully, gently...he didn't want to make him mad, just...crazy. Kevin sucked Patrick softly. Not giving him the full pressure he would need to come, while at the same time his fingers inside Patrick slowed down. Slower and slower and slower, until they slipped out entirely. Kevin sat up between Patrick's legs, lazily stroking his own cock as he watched Patrick open his eyes.

'You ready?'

'No.' Patrick shook his head, still half in a daze.

Kevin smiled.

'Are you saying you want me to stop?'

'No.' Patrick shook his head again. A little more alert.

'Ok...let's try this again. If you don't want to do this, use the safe word.' Kevin reminded him gently.

Patrick closed his eyes and stretched his body, putting on a beautiful show for Kevin. As if Kevin needed to be more turned on.

'And by the way, for being so bossy, I get to top you later.' Kevin announced, as he leaned over to the floor to get his new toy.

'Uh uh. It's my turn.' Patrick said slowly. 'It says so on the schedule on the fridge.'

'If you still have the brain cells to be a smart fucker, then I'm obviously not doing my job right.'

'Oh, you're doing a verrrrrrry good job, Mr. Matheson.' Patrick purred. He fucking purred. And now he was jerking himself off too, just to make sure Kevin was extra specially inspired.

Kevin slapped his hand away.

'That's mine. Leave it alone. I don't want you to come too soon. I want you to feel this for a while.'

Patrick's eyes widened as he saw the toy in Kevin's hand.

'You're going to love this.' Kevin whispered, as he pushed the cool, slicked, rubber into Patrick, slowly, watching Patrick's face for any hint of discomfort...

Patrick winced and bit down on his lip as he arched his back. Kevin stopped instantly.

'No...don't...oh my fucking...god...don't stop.' Patrick panted.

Kevin smiled. He knew his boy would like this.

'Ready?' he asked again.

Patrick squeezed his eyes shut as he nodded his head shortly. And that was Kevin's cue. He bent over Patrick again and gave his cock tiny little kisses, making sure he paid extra attention to the bit that Patrick especially liked, just under the ridge, with some extra wet licks and sharp nibbles. He could feel that Patrick was close to his limit. So Kevin took him in his mouth again, increasing the pressure until just the right moment...and then he pushed the button.

'Holy fucking shit!' Patrick whispered, as his entire body tensed and his hands came back to grab Kevin's head and hold it in place. Kevin couldn't move his mouth, but Patrick didn't need the extra stimulation. He knew that what Patrick was feeling inside him, the delicious vibrations, the exquisite rotations, were going to be all that Patrick required to send him over the edge, so he waited it out, his tongue lazily stroking up and down Patrick's cock nestled in his mouth.

Kevin wasn't going to last much longer himself. The musky smell of Patrick's sex-sweaty skin, the salty taste of his cock as it dripped pre-cum, the knowledge that he was making Patrick crazy with a new experience that he had drunkenly admitted to wanting to try...Kevin snuck his hand down and grabbed his own desperate cock. He was pretty sure he could time this so they'd come together. He could tell by the little noises Patrick was making that he was seconds away....

'Ohhhhhhhhh.....fu..uck. I'm coming.' said Captain Obvious.

And he was. Right in Kevin's mouth.

Kevin felt it was well within his rights to place the cleaned dildo on Patrick's stomach when he returned from the bathroom, having washed his own cum off his thighs. Princess Patrick was still a useless puddle, boneless in Kevin's bed and paying no attention to him as Kevin flopped down beside him. Wasn't there some homo bro code that the one who did all the work didn't also have to do all the clean up? Kevin leaned up on one arm, resting his head on his hand as he looked as his lazy lover.

God. He didn't like that word. It was so...melodramatic. The lovely thing about what they had was that it was the opposite of that. It was mellow-non-dramatic, Kevin decided, feeling pleased with himself for coining a new word. Who could have imagined Patrick Murray in a drama-free zone. Not that he hadn't loved the drama in some masochistic way. But this was so much better. Replacing the drama with fucking was the way to go. And being able to walk out when drama threatened, well that was pretty much the best thing about having a fuck-buddy...

And this is why he usually avoided the post-fuck philosophizing. It was much harder to sell himself this story when he was all spent and relaxed and fuzzy-headed. When his 'fuck-buddy' was lying next to him, open and trusting in his dozy, abandoned sprawl, a little post-orgasmic smile on his face, smelling of his and Kevin's sweat and saliva, his hair on end from being rubbed back and forth on the pillow, every freckle just lying there, tempting Kevin's fingers...

He'd known from the beginning that this was going to end up hurting like a mother-fucker. But there was only so much self-preservation a man could do against the force that was Patrick Murray. Kevin gave in to temptation and gently traced the set of freckles on the shoulder closest to him. The only flaw in Ben's plan, which was really nothing more than Kevin's own desires manifested, the only thing he hadn't predicted or planned for was that Patrick wasn't going to walk away unscathed either. He didn't want Patrick hurt. Maybe he had a little at the beginning. Maybe there had been some satisfaction in seeing Patrick thwarted and confused and flailing...but that had soon enough melted away. He honestly wished him no harm. But Patrick was going to hurt when this ended. It was clear that Patrick could separate love from sex, but he wasn't as good at differentiating between love and friendship. What Kevin felt was love. What Patrick felt was friendship. And thankfully, lust. Thus..a fuck-buddy. Which would be ideal if Patrick didn't try to force it into something more. Something that really didn't fit right. Patrick needed his true love. His grand romance. His soulmate. He should learn to play the game of casual sex a little better while he waited. He'd mastered the one-night stands obviously, but if he wanted sex and companionship, he was going to have to get smarter at understanding limitations and realities. Kevin felt his stomach drop at the thought that he was the one who again would be teaching Patrick the difference between real love and passing time. Funny that he'd sign up for that again.

But then, looking at the peaceful, dozing man that lay beside him, was it any wonder that he'd found himself here again. He'd never resisted the draw that Patrick had for him. Both physically and emotionally, Patrick Murray suited him down to a T. It was really as simple as that. So he might as well suck it up and enjoy the ride, as Ben would have him do. And he should definitely stop thinking when his brain was flooded with Patrick-induced endorphins.

'That feels nice.' Patrick murmured.

'I thought you were asleep.' Kevin chuckled.

'We haven't even had dinner.'

Christ. If he yawned any wider he'd break his fricking jaw. But trust Patrick to remember the important things in life. Like food.

'What got into you?' Patrick asked as he trapped Kevin's wandering fingers against his chest. 'I was barely in the door and you threw me on the bed.'

Kevin waggled his eyebrows.

'I was horny. The package with your new best friend arrived today.'

Patrick laughed as he picked up the dildo and examined it closely.

'I didn't realize you just bought it. For me? That's...sweet. I think.'

Kevin stared at him.

'What are you talking about?'

Patrick looked confused.

'I just thought you had it. From...you know...before.'

'Patrick. You don't share dildos. You know that, right? Right?' Kevin watched as the blush spread over Patrick's face. He shook his head in mock despair. 'Oh Patrick. You twat.'

'I didn't think about it!' Patrick protested. 'I mean..it makes sense now that you say it.' Patrick turned back to look at his new toy.

'So, this is mine?'

'Err..yeah.' Kevin rolled his eyes.

'So...you have like...a collection?' Patrick asked.

'A closet full.' Kevin drawled, collapsing onto his back.

'How do you differentiate? Are you going to write my name on it with black marker, with a little heart on top of the i?' Patrick continued, obviously enchanted with the notion of owning his own special dildo.

'I recognize them by color. Yours is black to match your cold empty heart, the next door neighbor's is pink cos he's sweet and makes me cookies when I fuck him with it, and the doorman's is brown to match his uniform....'

'You're very funny, Kevin. I'm cracking up with laughter.'

'I think I preferred you when you were asleep.'

'I'm naming it Kevin Junior. Or maybe you're Kevin Junior and it's Kevin the Supreme.' Patrick mused.

'If you think you're giving me an inferiority complex by comparing me to a 9 inch tube of plastic that can vibrate and rotate for as long as it's batteries last, you couldn't be more wrong. Just remember it can't suck the cum out of you, or rim you till you're begging for cock. So keep that in mind when you're deciding who's junior and who's supreme.'

'You have such a way with words. I'm surprised the ad agencies don't steal you away to write all their copy for them.'

'All right, enough larking about. If you want to eat, you'd best call and order something, because there is no way in fuck I am going to cook for you after all the hard work I just put in.' Kevin snatched the toy away from Patrick's hands and bounded out of the bed. He felt re-energized. His moment of sad reflection over. It had always been this way with Patrick. A rollercoaster. Sheer heaven followed by pure hell. And then...up again. Like now.

'Before we do that...could you wait a minute?' Patrick reached out a hand and grabbed Kevin's thigh. Kevin turned, ready to tease Patrick about his insatiable appetite for both Kevins, but the look on Patrick's face was...oh fuck. And down the rollercoaster went.

'Come back and lie down. Just for a minute.' Patrick urged him quietly, pulling Kevin back down to the bed, settling himself on his side, mirroring the position Kevin had been in only a few minutes before. Kevin looked up at the ceiling.

'There's a couple of things...' Patrick started, and then stopped.

Kevin waited.

'Ok, first, I just want to say that I know you don't have a closetful of dildos. And by that I mean I know you're not seeing anyone else. And we haven't discussed it, but I want you to know that I'm not either. So...there's that.' Patrick blurted out.

Kevin waited.

'And...there's something else that I don't know how to feel about. And I wanted to talk about it when I walked in but you jumped me and then...well, you know what happened next.'

'Could you just fucking say it, whatever it is?' Kevin clenched his jaw.

God, the silence was so fucking annoying.

'I spoke to Richie today and he still doesn't know about us, and I don't know why I can't tell him.' Patrick mumbled eventually, looking at the headboard above Kevin's head.

And now the silence was deafening.

Huh. Which one of those things was Kevin supposed to feel more aggravated by? Patrick's declaration of monogamy, which was unsolicited and unwelcome because it meant the end was getting closer, or the mention of Richie which meant the past was getting harder to avoid. But Maybe there was a way he could deal with them both at the same time.

'Does Richie know you're dating?'

'Yeah. He knows.'

'Well then, what does it matter who it is?' Kevin asked.

'Kevin...'

'Did you tell him about all the other men you've fucked since you moved to New York?'

'No.' Patrick answered shortly.

'Well then. What's the big deal?' Kevin shrugged.

Patrick wasn't avoiding looking at him any longer.

'I don't know how you do it. How you can be so sweet and fucking tender one minute, and such a fucking cunt the next.'

Kevin looked back at the ceiling as he crossed his arms over his body. He hated being naked like this. He felt like a total wanker. Exposed. Best to forge on though.

'Well, if we're being honest...'

'Maybe we shouldn't be.' Patrick interrupted him in a hard, cold voice.

'I was going to suggest that the reason you can't tell Richie that we're fucking is because you know he'd think it was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard, and that you couldn't think of a good enough excuse to explain it away. Other than you're lonely and horny and know that I'm a good fuck.' Kevin continued.

'All right. Let's do this.' Patrick sighed as he sat up and crossed his legs. He should look ridiculous, sitting there like that, but he didn't. He looked determined and focused and scary as fuck.

'I knew if I mentioned that this is becoming a relationship you'd panic and lash out at me. You're very predictable, Kevin. And I shouldn't have followed up with the Richie thing, but the truth is I want to talk to you about it, and you not letting me is just plain stupid.'

Patrick put up a hand to silence Kevin as he opened his mouth to say something. And Patrick was a smart man because frankly Kevin had nothing really to say.

'Why don't you ask me about Richie?' Patrick shot at him.

'Ask you what?' Kevin knew he was behaving like a teenager, but he just couldn't help himself. He would rather be anywhere at this moment than here, talking about Saint Richie.

'I don't believe you have no interest in why we're not together anymore. I know you must want to know. And I want to explain...'

'Well then, fucking go ahead! Tell me. Explain to me why the purest most perfect relationship on God's green earth ended up like every other sad attempt you've ever made at playing house.' Kevin snapped.

'Are we finally going to talk about that too? About that night on the roof...'

'Stick to Richie.' Kevin said, and even to his own ears his voice sounded frightening. But Patrick didn't flinch.

'Ok. We'll pick door number one tonight.'

Kevin drew in a deep breath and prayed to the god he didn't believe in for patience.

'Or not. We could just call it a night.' Kevin suggested grimly.

'That's why I wanted to have this conversation here. I don't think you're going to throw me out, and you're not going to walk out of your own apartment, so you might as well get used to the idea that you're stuck with me. Until I decide otherwise.'

'As always.' Kevin laughed wryly.

'You know, Kevin, all your little half remarks and snide comments aren't in keeping with your supposed attitude that we're just two happy gay boys fucking like rabbits for the pure fun of it. Which is fine with me, but I know you'd hate for me to get the wrong impression and actually think you give a fuck.'

Kevin clenched his teeth. Shit. This Patrick was much better at rolling with the punches. And he himself was getting much sloppier about taking pot shots. So they'd both changed, but only one of them had made progress. Which was humiliating. And sobering.

Jesus. He was a lot less ready for this than he'd thought. So much for all the keeping Patrick at a distance crap. One mention of Richie and he was back in that headspace of useless envy and misplaced rage. Patrick hadn't even seen Richie until he'd come back for Agustin's wedding. He wasn't what drove Patrick away. Well...not in the most direct sense. Richie was never his enemy. Or his rival. He needed to remember where the threat really always came from. Patrick himself. So...he needed to stop behaving like a cunt. Simple.

Kevin drew in a deep breath before he turned and faced Patrick. Who was looking at him with something that seemed very much like...wary tolerance.

'Sorry.' Kevin mumbled. And waited.

Patrick smiled. A small tentative smile, but a smile nonetheless.

'I do want to know what happened.' Kevin said, relieved at the reprieve he felt he'd given himself. 'And as for that stuff about not telling Richie, well, it's only natural. Given our past. No one would think it's a good idea and his opinion has always meant a lot to you, so, if you don't want to tell him, I understand. Completely.'

Patrick continued to look at him as if trying to gauge his sincerity. Then he obviously must have made up his mind because he dove right back in.

'I don't know if that's it though. I've faced Richie's disapproval before and I know what it feels like to not want to. That's what's confusing me. I don't care if he knows, but I care about the explaining. I almost wish someone else would call him up and tell him, but then I don't think anybody would.'

'I thought he and Agustin were good friends now. While you were in Denver I saw them a few times at bars and places. With Brady' Kevin said quietly.

'Did you? God. San Francisco really is such a small village sometimes.' Patrick shook his head. 'But the thing is, I haven't really told Agustin either.'

Which was a good thing, Kevin reminded himself. Not anything to be hurt about.

'And that one is totally because he would be one hundred percent judgmental and now that he's married and suddenly an expert on relationships it would just be completely insufferable.' Patrick continued, shuddering theatrically.

Kevin smiled.

'Ok. So if you didn't not tell him because you're not worried about his opinion, what are you worried about?'

'I don't know.'

'Maybe, that it would be like a nail in the coffin? That it would be something he would never forgive so you'd be shutting a door?' Kevin ventured.

Patrick frowned.

'That door is shut. We both slammed that sucker closed.'

Well. Ok. Did Patrick not realize how bad he was at closing doors? Kevin thought it was best he keep quiet about that.

'Kevin, believe me, we tried to make it work with everything we had. I was so in love. We both were.'

Great. Kevin now remembered why he hadn't really wanted to have this conversation before.

'I mean, I felt like we could just conquer the whole fucking world. Whatever it threw at us. But not in a sappy way. No stars in my eyes. In a real, honest, clear, way. Together.'

Patrick fell silent, staring at the wall ahead of him, his fingers clenching his knees. Kevin wondered at the memories that had Patrick suddenly so pensive. He remembered his own feelings of invincibility when he was obsessed and in love with a man he thought loved him back. Those might even be the lost feelings he mourned most. Maybe they were the feelings Patrick missed most too.

'What went wrong?' He asked eventually. He didn't want Patrick lost in the memories for too long.

Patrick shook his head.

'I don't know. Nothing big. Nothing dramatic. No showdown or betrayal. Just...a million tiny things that happen to everybody. It took him forever to get his business going, and I didn't know how to help him, or when not to offer, but I thought we ended up handling that well. Him telling me what he needed. Real discussions about how we felt, how we'd work through things together. He told me to stop hovering, stop feeling guilty about making money, and I told him to let me in and let me help. And it worked. But that...well...it sort of became a pattern. We talked about everything. Negotiated everything. We were so fucking careful of each other. Like we were the caretakers of this huge thing that everyone had a stake in. They wanted us to be happy. All our friends. Except Brady of course, but even Kaya was happy to see Richie happy. And I think he felt it was a responsibility he had. Like I was a prize he was supposed to be grateful for. And god knows I sometimes wondered what he'd given up for me....'

Patrick paused to look down at Kevin, who had remained silent. Patrick chuckled wryly.

'I know some people think I should be flattered that men leave their boyfriends for me, but I've got to tell you Kevin, it's a fucking burden sometimes.'

Kevin raised his eyebrows. What could he say? Had he burdened Patrick with too many expectations too quickly?

'I think Richie began to crack first. I could tell that he was less patient with me. Wanted me to take things a little more seriously, but at the same time I was supposed to be chill, and I didn't know how to do both. He does it so well. He's got this gravity to him. It's both grounding and freeing at the same time...and then...it isn't. It just becomes a weight sometimes. And I wanted to shake him and tell him to lose his mind over some insignificant piece of trivial shit and queen out, so I could just see him be human. I wanted him to be annoyed with me about something unreasonable. Just so that I could bitch at him and tell him to grow the fuck up. But...he never did.'

'I miss your spirals sometimes.' Kevin admitted softly.

'Oh god. I don't. I'll forever be grateful to him for inspiring me to take care of myself when it really mattered. He showed me that confidence came from within, and I know it sounds like a cliche, but, Kevin, my god, when you see it, when you live with it, it is such a fucking powerful lesson to learn.'

Kevin shrugged. Confidence came from many different places. But his had certainly been cracked and broken so maybe his brand wasn't as strong and shiny as Richie's. Actually, there was no maybe about it. Richie seemed to have a natural aura of self-possession that Kevin had only achieved after he felt he'd earned it the hard way. Another point for Richie. As if anyone was still counting. And another point off for self-pity.

'So...things just...fizzled?'

'Uhm...fizzled? I don't know if that's how I'd put it. It just seemed like it was harder work each day to be so well adjusted. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's like we had fallen in love with a very particular version of each other and when one of us changed a little, it didn't feel right and we had to renegotiate everything from the beginning. It was exhausting. And we both felt it. This growing apart. This desire to spend less time together. And at first I thought it was just what happens when you live with someone for a while so I ignored it, and so did he, but then we had this silly fight one day about politics and some proposition that he wanted to fight against on a local ballot and I couldn't be bothered and somehow we thought that maybe what we needed to do to stop the bickering was get married.'

Kevin tensed. His whole body on alert. Jesus fucking christ. They'd been engaged?

'And all I remember feeling when we spoke about it was, well, if there's such a thing as gay marriage there's also gay divorce so what's the harm in going for it.'

Kevin's heart broke at the tears gathering in Patrick's eyes. He reached up a finger to catch them before they spilled out onto Patrick's cheeks. Patrick smiled weakly at him and clutched at his hand, pulling it onto his thigh and squeezing it tightly.

'He said something eventually. I think I would have gone through with it because I didn't know how to stop it. How could I have loved him so much and yet not be able to make it work with him? But thank god that wasn't good enough for him. He told me that we'd fallen out of love. Which I thought would kill me, but it didn't. It felt...like falling in love all over again, but without him. Like falling in love with life almost. Free. And sad and happy. Does that make sense?'

'No.' Kevin admitted. 'That's not how endings ever felt for me. But, I've always been more of a black and white sort of guy. Not very complicated.'

Patrick laughed quietly.

'Why do you always sell yourself short? You know that's bullshit. And I know it's bullshit too. You're not black and white, Kevin. You have so many different fucking shades of every color I don't even know where to begin.'

'Not sure that's a compliment.'

'Neither am I' Patrick agreed. 'But...I think I know why I didn't tell Richie about you.'

'Oh?'

'I don't think it's to do with him. As I've been talking to you, I realize I really am ok with what he'd think about it. And I don't think he'd find it particularly shocking.'

'Then?'

'I think I just need your permission. If I tell him it really will be more than a casual fuck, Kevin. Because I don't tell him about those. So I want to tell him that I have a boyfriend. But...do I?'

'If I say no, will you walk out the door?' Kevin asked.

Patrick shook his head.

Kevin fell in love just a little bit more with the man that wouldn't leave him even as he was pushing him away. Oh how he wished he could turn back time and never have set eyes on Patrick Murray.

'Let's order some dinner. I'm starving.' Kevin said as he pushed himself off the bed.

'Kevin.' He turned around at Patrick's voice. 'Maybe I'll just tell him that I've met someone I'd like to have as a boyfriend. Someone that I think likes me too.'

Kevin chewed his lip as he looked around for his underwear. He felt Patrick's eyes on him. He felt Patrick waiting as he dressed.

'I'll order a pizza.' He said eventually.

As he was walked out the door Kevin turned back and clutched the doorframe.

'I think it would be ok if you said that to Richie. And tell him I say hi. And...by the way, I'm glad he was good at this. At this breaking up thing. That he made you happier to have had him in your life. That's really rare Patrick. I'm glad you got to feel that.'

And that was about all he could manage for now. He'd be a little stronger tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

'Great party.' Owen drawled.

Ben laughed wryly. This was not a great party. But since he wasn't the host, he couldn't really give a shit. And obviously neither could Owen.

'Kevin tells me you guys got engaged. Congratulations.' He said as sincerely as he possibly could.

'Thanks. Please make my fiancé's day by asking to see her ring. I think the gay seal of approval would really make her happy. And of course, Patrick doesn't count.' Owen explained, totally un-necessarily because...well...obviously Patrick's opinion didn't count. Look at how he dressed for god's sake.

'I promise to say the right thing. I'll catch her on my way out.' Ben assured him, patting Owen on the shoulder. He liked Owen. Owen was a curmudgeon. Not particularly bothered about pleasing anyone. A straight version of him basically, and Ben appreciated the qualities in others that he so prized in himself.

'Are you leaving already?' Owen looked jealous.

'I've said hello to the birthday boy, and to tell you the truth, this sort of thing, well, it isn't my thing.'

'You should stick around. Patrick's parties are legendary.' Owen laughed.

Intriguing. What could be legendary about a group of mostly straight people from the computer and corporate world standing around, dressed in jeans, drinking beer from plastic cups?

'I've actually been instructed to keep him away from the hard liquor. By Kevin.' Owen continued.

'What happens to him? Is it like Gremlins?'

'There was a time when Patrick had very little control over his mouth. And when he was drunk, any filters he might have had just melted away. Entertaining for some of us, not so much for others. I think Kevin worries that glimpses of Patrick 1.0 might come through if he's stressed and drunk at the same time.'

God. Fucking programmers. And Ben was surrounded by them.

'I'm tempted to spike his drink. See what emerges' Ben ventured, wondering if Owen would be game.

'Please don't. I'm the one who will have to pick up the pieces tomorrow. I've become his de-facto best friend since he left the others behind in San Francisco.' Owen shuddered.

'I'm disappointed in you Owen. I thought you showed great promise as a miserable human being, but now here you are, caring about Patrick, engaged to your lovely girlfriend. Am I the only heartless bastard left amongst Kevin's friends?'

Owen smiled.

'Not so heartless, Ben. I know you stepped aside for Patrick.'

'Yeah well, the jury's still out if I did Kevin a favor or not on that one.'

'They seem happy.' Owen shrugged.

Ben placed his arm around Owen's shoulder as he nodded his head.

'Yeah, but I don't think happy is enough for either of them. I think your boy wants rainbows, and mine is just dreading the rain.'

Owen looked at him as if he had two heads.

'Patrick wants a happy ending, and Kevin doesn't believe in them?' Owen tried again.

'Oh. Right. I get it. Rainbows. After the rain.'

They fell silent as they both looked towards the couple in question. They were standing close to each other, close enough to brush against each other as they drank from their cups, in a group of people that Ben could only guess were from Kevin's company, as they all looked at him with eager smiles. Patrick was saying something funny, given the general reaction, and Ben watched him put his hand on Kevin's arm. Kevin smiled and...didn't pull away.

Maybe Patrick was making a believer of Kevin after all.

'Do you think Patrick loves him?'

Owen's face was priceless. Ben had never seen anyone look so obviously and comically uncomfortable in his whole life. And most of his friends were drama queens. Literally. He needed to remember this look. It was bound to come in useful in some future acting role.

'We don't really discuss...'

'It's alright Owen. Talking about feelings doesn't mean you're gay. Just give me your opinion.' Ben laughed.

'Well, do you think Kevin loves Patrick?' Owen countered. At that moment Ben felt that he knew where Owen's loyalties truly lay. He was Kevin's pal, but he was Patrick's friend. And that was ok. Kevin had Ben.

'Is this like high school? Are we passing notes for them?'

'Hey, you started this.' Owen protested.

'Ok. But...I don't think you need me to answer that, right? Was that ever really in question?'

Owen sighed.

'I didn't know it was happening until after it happened, and then I wondered how I hadn't seen it before. Back at MDG. When they 'came out' as a couple. And yep, nothing much seems to have changed in the way Kevin looks at him. Or acts around him. When he's not being a dick.'

Ben bristled at that, but chose to let it go. The truth was Kevin did act like a dick sometimes. But really, who could blame him?

'So...my boy's accounted for. Is your's going to bail?'

Owen took a long drink from his own plastic cup as he seemed to consider the question.

'I think...Patrick is...working without a net. This wasn't what he intended. I don't think he expected this to happen. Which seems stupid to you and me, but...he's impulsive. He makes a mess of things. Of his and other people's lives. But at least this time he's not running away. Which he always used to do. Now, he just wants to find a way to make the mess make sense. And I think he may have realized that he's got to get used to living with mess cos it seems to follow him around wherever he goes.'

Ben contemplated Owen's answer. He wasn't sure he bought it. Not fully. Not the bit about Patrick's intentions. Surely he couldn't have been that naive, to think that he could spend time with Kevin and not have old feelings stir up in at least one of them.

'Impulsive?'

'Yeah. Like, with the foot in mouth thing I was saying before. He used to do that sort of thing all the time. Just say whatever he was thinking before he could stop himself. And even with Richie, before Kevin and he started...their thing. He just moved so quickly and things just got way too deep for him. And moving in with Kevin? Just weeks after Kevin had left Jon for him? I mean...we all knew that had disaster written all over it. He just basically put himself in situations he wasn't ready for, that he hadn't thought through. And then...yeah...he'd bail.'

'Huh.' Ben nodded his head. He knew about impulsiveness. But he'd never really shattered a person's life through carelessness before. Maybe because he'd never made anyone feel that he really loved them.

'But he's not the same man.' Owen continued. 'This thing with Kevin? The way Kevin runs hot and cold with him? He'd have been freaking out in the old days. He'd be analyzing every word, every message, every look...he'd have been driving me crazy. Now..he just seems to take it in his stride. Like he knows how to deal with it. Like it doesn't phase him.'

Ok...but...

'Why?' Ben persisted. 'Because he wants to be with Kevin, or because...he doesn't want to walk away from yet another mess?'

Owen shrugged.

'Does it matter?'

'Err...fuck yes!' Ben exclaimed.

'Hey.'

Oh shit. Kevin.

'Hey yourself, birthday boy.'

Kevin smiled. He seemed happy. A little drunk, but mostly just mellow.

'Thanks for staying. I know this must be torture for you.'

'Owen's keeping me company. Are there no gay men in New York tech? No wonder you never introduced me to your colleagues.' Ben grumbled.

'I'm sorry. We are a bit of a rare breed. We're growing in numbers but if I were you I'd stick to looking in more familiar places.' Kevin advised him.

'You seem happy.' Ben put a hand up to Kevin's face, stroked his hair gently, before pulling it away. He'd always loved Kevin's hair. It looked like it was going to be all spiky and tough, but it was just the softest thing ever.

'I am. I really am.' Kevin said simply.

'I'm glad. I'm really glad.' Ben grinned.

'And I'm glad you came tonight. I feel like you've been avoiding me.'

'I thought it might be easier for everyone involved. If there wasn't any ambiguity, if you know what I mean.' Ben arched an eyebrow.

'That wasn't necessary...'

'Kevin.' Ben put a finger up to Kevin's lips. 'Don't be...Don't be a dick.' They stared at each other for a long silent moment.

'Guys...uhm, Patrick's coming over.' Owen whispered loudly.

Kevin smiled softly, as Ben pulled his hand away from Kevin's face. Slowly. It wouldn't hurt Patrick to see that Kevin had people who cared about him.

'It's alright Owen. Patrick knows that a touch between ex-lovers can sometimes be platonic. Right Patrick? Or maybe he...doesn't?'

'Ben.' Kevin rolled his eyes as Patrick came to a stop next to him.

'Of course I know.' Patrick smiled slyly, as he put an arm around Kevin's waist. 'My incredibly hot friend, who was also my ex-hook-up, he and I used to touch each other as friends all the time, right Kevin? We even slept in the same bed and not a woody sprang between us.'

'Is he next? On the Patrick revisits old flames tour?'

Shit. He didn't even know why he said that.

It made him sound like he was jealous. And he wasn't. He didn't want what Patrick had. But there was just...something that was rubbing him the wrong way these days. Something that bothered him about how Patrick 'impulsively' went through life and without meaning to made men fall in love with him and friends want to protect him, and even strangers like himself want to root for him. And he wasted it. That talent for making people like him and be loyal to him. Ben knew he had it too, but he knew he was lucky and he used it wisely. He was honest. To a fault. Whatever flaws Ben had, and he knew he had many of them, at least he had always been aware of the effect he had on other people. At least he knew when he was on the verge of going too far. And Patrick didn't. Or at least hadn't in the past. And Ben wasn't impressed with that level of self-delusion. Not in the least.

And now Kevin and Owen were looking at Ben as if he was a big old meany for being nasty to poor little Patrick.

Fuck it. He wasn't going to apologize. Everyone worried that Patrick was going to freak out or something. He had to be kept away from booze, he had to have help cleaning up his messes, he had to be catered to and looked after. Well, either he was going to freak out and it should happen sooner rather than later so this pretense Kevin was convinced was going to crumble could just go ahead and be over, or Patrick could look after himself and Kevin should grow a pair of balls and finally believe that.

'Come on.' Ben said, frustrated at all the glaring and the circling of the wagons. 'We were all thinking it. Richie, then Kevin, then Richie, now Kevin...Patrick's a fucking boomerang. Are you only going to date guys you met before you turned thirty? Is that the key here, Patrick?'

'Wow. Ok.' Patrick winced, dropping his arm from Kevin and taking a step back. 'That's...'

'What the fuck are you doing?' Kevin jumped in, facing Ben, looking betrayed. Shit.

Impulsiveness. Maybe Kevin had a type.

'No, Kevin...it's alright. Ben's got a point. I can see how it looks. And he's also right that everyone's been thinking it. You've told me that yourself in many ways. But no, Dom isn't next. He would totally freak out if he heard you say that. And as for who I date next...well...I'm not touching that.' Patrick laughed, though it sounded more like a strangled giggle. Whatever the fuck that noise was, Kevin's head swung round and he stared at Patrick, lifting up a hand to put on the back of Patrick's neck. Patrick shrugged it off.

'I'm ok, Kevin. It's ok.' Patrick said again, his voice now serious. Ben looked at Patrick, seeing the clenched jaw, the fingers of his hand around his cup squeezing nervously, the rapidly blinking eyelids. 'Look, I know you don't think much of me Ben, but, whatever is going on here, I think it's between you and Kevin, so...I'm just going to walk away and let the two of you deal with it.'

Well, Patrick knew how to make an exit. Always leave them wanting more.

Ben closed his eyes and shook his head. Unfortunately he was still there when he opened them, in the middle of Patrick's apartment, at Kevin's birthday party, with a furious Kevin and a beyond-awkward Owen facing him.

He put up a hand to forestall Kevin.

'I'll go and apologize. Ok?'

'What the fuck was that?' Kevin hissed.

'He's a big boy Kevin. He can take it.' Ben pointed out.

'You had no fucking right..'

'I know. Hence the apology.' Ben agreed.

'What were you thinking?' Kevin said, less angry now. Just...bewildered.

'I was thinking about sledgehammers.' Ben shrugged.

'What?'

'Nothing. I'm an idiot. Impulsive, right Owen? Is that the word you'd use?' Ben turned to Owen, who was just looking confused by how he'd managed to find himself in the middle of this situation.

'Kevin has a type, it would seem.' Owen laughed wryly.

Ben grinned. He knew he liked Owen. Kevin seemed to get annoyed again by the grinning though.

'Ok, ok...I'm going now. To apologize. To Patrick. For being a cunt.' Ben put his arms up defensively, as he walked after Patrick.

The kitchen was the obvious place to look for him, since the apartment only had two rooms outside of the bedroom and bathroom. And there Patrick was, filling his cup with alcohol. Oh good. He was about to meet drunk Patrick.

'Hey.' Ben reached out and tapped Patrick on the shoulder.

Patrick turned and stared at Ben. He looked wary. Or...pissed? It wasn't clear.

'I came to apologize.'

'Let's not do this, Ben.' Patrick said hastily. Definitely wary. 'I know you don't mean it, and I don't blame you.'

Ben shrugged. Patrick kind of had him there.

'Are you in love with Kevin?' Hmmm. Maybe a little pissed too.

Jesus. Fuck. This was turning into some sort of Shakespearean farce.

'Well isn't that the question of the day.' Ben sighed. He almost laughed at the confused expression on pretty Patrick's face. God. He really was pretty. And almost more so when he seemed bewildered. Ben could see the appeal that face would have for a man looking to feel big and strong. But that wasn't him. And he didn't think it was Kevin. No, this wasn't the face that had hooked Kevin. But it was probably the face that had cut Kevin and made him bleed.

'I was asking Owen if you were in love with Kevin. He didn't know. And strangely enough, he didn't think it mattered.' Ben clarified.

Patrick blinked rapidly.

'I thought that was strange. That Owen didn't think your motive for being with Kevin was relevant.'

'Ok.'

'I think Kevin deserves more than your thoughtless attention, don't you?'

'I've been making him happy, Ben.' Patrick said, on the defensive.

'Well it doesn't take much. A blow job now and then, some good rimming action...and of course he likes to top but I'm sure we both know how to make him beg to bottom...'

'I don't want to talk about him like this.' Patrick shook his head, taking a step back.

'I don't give a shit Patrick. You're out of fucking time. Make your mind up.'

'You know what Ben, you don't get to tell me what time it is. You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do with Kevin. You gave him up, so just fucking walk away. He's not yours. You don't get to run interference for him, ok?'

Ben had had enough.

'No, it's not ok. Because you've had people running interference for you your whole life it would seem. But he hasn't. He had no one to pick up the pieces, no one to give a shit if he was broken, no one to put him back together...'

'He has me.'

Ben stopped. Shit. He looked up to the ceiling, hoping he could find some guidance from the ever-absent mythical man in the sky. Shit. Shit. So much for his nicely built up righteous anger.

'Shit.'

'What?' Patrick looked confused.

'I thought you were going to say he didn't need anybody.' Ben laughed wryly.

'Everybody needs somebody. I had lots of somebodies.' Patrick frowned.

'I know. You still do.' Ben pointed out.

They stood there silently.

'So...he has you?' Ben repeated.

'Yeah. He has me.'

'Can I ask...if he knows that?'

Now it was Patrick's turn to laugh wryly.

'I think he does. I just don't know if he wants to know.'

'I think you might want to tell him.'

'I think he might run away.' Patrick grimaced.

'I think you might be right.' Ben agreed. 'You probably should have a plan.'

'I tend to be a bit impulsive.' Patrick confessed.

'Really? I didn't know.' Ben said pleasantly.

'It's a character flaw. I don't think I'll ever be able to change it.'

'It's ok. He doesn't seem to mind.' Ben sighed. Mostly over Kevin's stupidity. Because it was a fucking huge character flaw. And he really didn't seem to mind.

'Can I ask you something?'

'Not about Kevin.'

'As if. I know more about Kevin than you ever will, Ben. Did you know he had posters of soccer players that he was going to hang in our apartment? And of Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams?'

Ben winced.

'Jesus.'

'Exactly. And did you know that he had mastered every level of Naval Destroyer and gotten top scores playing MY female character?'

'I don't even know what Anal Destroyer is? Is that some sort of butt plug?' Ben thought he knew all the brands.

'And what's his favorite childhood game?'

'Checkers?' Ben ventured. 'Tennis?'

Patrick shook his head.

'Tennis? No. Top Trumps. You ever heard of that?'

'Is there an equivalent for bottoms?'

'And who did he have a crush on when he was a young boy. Who made him go wild when he saw them on TV while eating his cereal?' Now Patrick was getting carried away. As if he'd ever care about these sorts of details. Though...it was...sweet...that Patrick did.

'Just...get to your question will you. I get it. I may have known Kevin biblically, but you know the real man. You're very eloquent Patrick.' Ben conceded.

'Ok. But...I really need to know...because I have this history. Of wanting people who are involved with other people and I'm trying to...'

'You know we haven't been together since he took you home and fucked you.'

Jesus, the boy really still blushed?

'I know. But...I want to know if you love him. For real. If this is...'

'Isn't it a bit late for that?' Ben asked.

'Probably. Definitely. But still...I need to know.'

Ben bit down on his lip, as he contemplated Patrick through half closed eyes. What the fuck.

'I do. In my own way. But not like you do.'

Patrick smiled.

'Thanks. And good.'

'You almost make me hope I will find someone I will love like that. Almost.'

'I hope you do too'

'But honestly, Patrick. Do you have to make it so complicated? Does there have to be so much fucking drama?' Ben grimaced.

'I'm working on it.' Patrick assured him.

'Patrick 3.0?'

'I wish. I think I'm still in beta.'

'Fucking computer nerds.'

They fell silent as they looked at each other. Patrick held out his hand.

'Truce?'

'Am I supposed to spit in my hand and shake yours or something?' Ben asked.

'I'd rather we just shake. Without the spit.'

So they did. And Ben decided to stay just a little longer. Just in case he got to see the epic Patrick Murray in full on drunk mode.

His disappointment in not getting to see that was compounded when he had to witness a sweet, tender kiss that the two boys were stealing in the kitchen an hour later. Too much nuzzling and nibbling as far as he was concerned. Fuck. Kevin was literally standing there, letting Patrick eat his face up. And he seemed to love it.

Patrick fucking Murray.

His boy didn't stand a chance.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm nearing the end of this journey. This is me expressing through Kevin everything I feel about some of the more painful moments between my OTP. My loyalties to this pair are strong, but I felt Patrick needed to hear some things. 
> 
> I'm not expressing an opinion on whether Kevin was right or wrong to bring up the subject of honesty that first night in their new apartment, but I, like Kevin, wanted Patrick to trust him and give him a chance to prove himself. 
> 
> It broke my heart that he wouldn't, but I'm also kinda glad cos it started me on a long long writing odyssey that began over a year ago with the cancellation of the show and has lasted to this day. 
> 
> I love writing for these boys, and for those of you who have enjoyed reading what I write, thank you thank you thank you and please leave me comments about anything, whether they are good or bad. 
> 
> I am always looking to improve.

'That was so vanilla' Patrick giggled, his breath catching as he waited for his heart rate to calm down.

'You've turned into a toy freak' Kevin panted, sliding off Patrick's sweaty, sticky body and rolling onto his back.

'You spoiled me. What can I say? I've got years of clean living to make up for.'

Kevin snorted, and Patrick reached up a hand to pull on Kevin's conveniently placed ear.

'How old were you when you came out of the closet?' Kevin batted his hand away laughing.

'I've had some 'issues' but as you can see I'm fully over those so now I want to experience everything. And my offer for you to be able to do whatever you want to me on your birthday was supposed to inspire you a little more creatively.' Patrick turned on his side and propped his head up on his hand.

'Ive created a fucking monster.' Kevin murmured as Patrick started trailing patterns on his chest, circling his still erect nipples and then dipping into Kevin's navel where some of his own cum was pooling in a little puddle. Patrick watched fascinated as he trailed a glistening finger up Kevin's chest to Kevin's mouth, circling Kevin's lips and dipping his finger in so Kevin could suck on it gently.

'Hmmm' Kevin sighed. 'See? Vanilla can be fun too.'

'Where are you going?' Patrick protested as Kevin pulled himself out of the bed. He had more plans for Kevin tonight. He wasn't nearly done with the birthday boy.

'Relax. I need to get rid of the condom and take a piss. Is that allowed?'

'Hurry back.' Patrick called out to the retreating back. And ass. God. He loved that skinny ass.

Patrick flopped onto his back and exhaled dramatically. Which made him laugh at his own ridiculousness. He was still such a fucking drama queen. It had only been a fuck, for god's sake. A really good one. An amazing one, actually. And not just because he and Kevin had been touching each other all evening, knowing that as soon as their guests left they'd be able to pounce on each other. Not even because after that little awkwardness with Ben and the whole rebounding boyfriend he had finally felt like he's got Ben's approval. Not that he needed it. Even though a tiny part of him had been relieved that someone seemed to finally believe in his strength of feeling for Kevin.

And it wasn't even because Kevin had seemed as frantic to get Patrick's clothes off him as he had been to get Kevin's off. Though that had been delicious and silly and sweet, as Kevin had sworn and threatened to get the fucking scissors out if Patrick couldn't fucking hurry up with those fucking buttons.

'Who the hell wears a shirt with buttons to a party?' Patrick had growled, frustrated, trying to undo enough of them to be able to pull the stupid shirt over Kevin's head.

'It's my fucking birthday and I like to look smart' Kevin had shot back as his own hands were busy pulling Patrick's pants down over his ass. Which he then took in his hands and squeezed.

'Have I told you how I love your chunky butt!' Kevin nuzzled into Patrick's neck as Patrick stepped out of his clothes.

'Have I told you how I love your big flappy ears?' Patrick replied, pushing Kevin's face away to finally be able to get that fucking shirt off.

'You're mean when you're horny, Patrick Murray.'

'God, I just want you naked so you can fuck me! Is that too much to ask?' Patrick whined as he pushed Kevin's pants and briefs down past his knees.

Kevin laughed, but only for a second as Patrick shut him up promptly, dropping to his knees and taking Kevin's cock deep into his mouth.

'Shit' Kevin hissed, his hands coming to tangle in Patrick's hair as he tried to stay steady on his legs.  
  
It was hard to smile with a rapidly hardening cock in his mouth, but Patrick couldn't help himself. He loved the taste of Kevin's cock just before they fucked. The faint sweat, the delicious musk and the little drops of cum that squeezed out, salty, bitter...fucking delicious. No latex, no lube. Perfect pure Kevin.

Patrick pulled off him slowly, twirling round the head with his tongue, loving the groans he elicited with his sure touch.

'What does the birthday boy want tonight?' He asked, feeling a little self-conscious at how husky and turned on he sounded. And Kevin had barely touched him yet.

'I want you. On your back.' Kevin said simply, stroking one hand down Patrick's face and touching his lips with his thumb.

'You want to tie me up?' Patrick's body tightened with anticipation.

Kevin shook his head.

'Blindfolded?' Patrick suggested.

Kevin's laughed.

'Finish sucking me off or get on the bed.'

Patrick had jumped to get on the bed. Blowing Kevin was definitely a treat for him, but honestly, if Kevin wanted to feast on him and do all the hard work, he was not going to complain.

And Kevin certainly knew how to make the most of Patrick's body as it lay on the bed, sprawled out for him.

Fuuuuuuck. He knew everyone of Patrick's weaknesses. He knew just how gently to lap at Patrick's skin just where his neck met his shoulder, before taking a soft tender bite. And then how to trail hot wet kisses down his chest until he could lick at his nipples and suck hard, making Patrick squirm and reach for his own cock. Only to have Kevin bat his hand away and grab it himself. Just as firmly as Patrick would have. Hmmmmm. Fucking heaven. Kevin's mouth and tongue all over his body, Kevin's hand tugging at his cock....

And then of course Kevin had to get the high achievement award by heading down, down, down...briefly stopping at Patrick's straining cock to give it a few kisses and licks, before moving down further between his legs until he got to....aaaaaah. Yessssssss.

Patrick's legs bent as he strained up to give Kevin access to his ass, sending Agustin a brief heartfelt thanks for introducing him to the very best of Fleet's products.

Patrick considered himself a fast learner and orally talented, and in the past couple of years he'd really felt that he'd mastered the technique of rimming. And he loved it. But getting rimmed by Kevin, having all that intense, competitive focus lavished on him as Kevin worked hard to make Patrick lose his mind with his hot, wet, hard tongue...Jesus fucking Christ.

'Stop stop stop...' Patrick had begged seconds before he felt it would be too late. But Kevin hadn't and Patrick came all over his own belly and chest in a messy stream.

He was panting hard, trying to get his mind to focus on some sort of reciprocity, when he felt Kevin pull on his legs and move between them. Oh well. Kevin was in charge tonight, and if Kevin wanted to get straight to the fucking, who was Patrick to deny the birthday boy.

'Fuck. God. You're so fucking tight.' Kevin whispered as he pushed into Patrick, and Patrick smiled sleepily, still recovering from his orgasm. How he could have ever not loved getting fucked was totally beyond him. The feeling of being so full, of being the instrument of such pleasure, of seeing your lover's eyes glaze over because they couldn't get inside you deep enough or long enough, of knowing that when they rubbed over that one spot inside you your head was going to fucking explode...

'I. fucking. love. this.' Kevin gasped as he moved faster and faster inside Patrick.

'Wait for me.' Patrick ordered him, moving his hand down to give his rapidly reviving cock a little help. Patrick bit his lip as he arched his head back, and Kevin swooped in to latch onto his neck.

Fuck. Yes.

'Kiss me.' Patrick groaned into Kevin's ear, wanting the feel of Kevin's mouth on him again.

'I can't. I'm too close.' Kevin grunted, trying to slow himself down.

'Kiss me.' Patrick said more forcefully, chasing Kevin's mouth with his own. He didn't give a fuck if they came now. The night was still young.

'Hmmmmm.' Kevin gave in, as Patrick found his lips and started playing with them. He could taste all the beers Kevin had drunk, and his own sweat and cum in Kevin's mouth, and he loved it. He wanted to live in Kevin's mouth, kissing it, licking it, biting those wet lips and making his man moan in pleasure.

'Shit...I'm...Patrick...I'm coming.'

'Come.' Patrick whispered into his mouth. And Kevin did. With Patrick following seconds later, all over Kevin's chest and belly.

So yes, it was vanilla, but Kevin was right. Vanilla was pretty fucking good too sometimes.

Patrick smiled as Kevin walked back into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Kevin's body looked beautiful as always, but Patrick looked forward to making it a little messier. A little more marked up. Some hickies on his belly and sides and possibly neck would make him look a lot prettier. He held out his hand to Kevin inviting him to lie down next to him, and then grinned when Kevin produced a warm wet towel to wash him up with. What a lovely considerate boyfriend, Patrick sighed.

'Happy Birthday, by the way.'

'And thank you for the party.' Kevin said as he lay down next to Patrick, staring at the ceiling. Their arms were touching, and Patrick reached out a hand to stroke the hard bicep laying next to him fondly.

'It was nice to meet some of your co-workers.' Patrick mused, as he stared absently at the ceiling.

'I can't believe you invited Ben.' Kevin chuckled. 'And actually, I can't believe he came. This is so not his thing.'

'He looked bored to death from the moment he walked in.' Patrick agreed. 'Still, I know he was...is...a close friend, so...'

'He and Owen are a right pair.'

'What does that mean? 'right pair'.' Patrick asked.

'It means that together they are exponentially worse than when they are alone.'

That made sense.

'I think they feed off each other's cynicism.' Patrick agreed. 'Though how cynical can Owen be when he actually staged one of the most romantic proposals of all time, complete with a carriage ride, dinner at Per Se, and a huge fucking ring presented on bended knee.'

Kevin grimaced.

'Did you see that rock? She could barely lift her hand with that thing weighing it down.'

'She was glowing though, right? I love Bethany. I can't imagine how long she's been waiting for Owen to ask her to marry him.' Patrick chuckled.

'Why did she wait? If she wanted to get married, she could have just asked him.' Kevin shrugged.

'I guess in the straight world they still have to follow some old-fashioned rules, unlike us lucky homos who get to make them all up now in our brave new world.'

'Well, I'm happy for them both. I wish I could say that Owen was worth the wait, but Bethany could do so much better than him.' Kevin laughed.

'God you're so mean.' Patrick punched him in the side.

'You've said it yourself a million times!'

'I know, but that's because I've known him for years and he is always rude to me. You, on the other hand, he worships and reveres. I've never heard him say anything bad about you, not once.' Patrick grumbled.

'Did I say how much I admired that man's taste?' Kevin asked sweetly.

Patrick scoffed as he rolled his eyes.

They lay there silently, comfortably, as Patrick continued to trace lazy patterns on Kevin's arm. Patrick wondered if he could catch a quick snooze before the next round, because suddenly the two orgasms he'd just had felt like they'd drained all the energy from him, so he turned on his side and snuggled up to Kevin, resting his head in the crook of Kevin's neck.

'Wake me up in ten minutes.' He yawned into Kevin's ear, as his eyes started closing. As he was dozing off he remembered there was something Owen had asked him to tell Kevin. He was supposed to give Owen a definitive answer the next day so he probably needed to mention it now before he forgot in the heat of passion.

'Owen wants us to go to the Hamptons for a weekend with him and Bethany as a celebration. In a couple of weeks. I told him yes.' Patrick murmured sleepily. He felt Kevin's body tense. Patrick blinked as Kevin's shoulder became rock hard. He lifted his head as he tried to focus on Kevin's face.

'What?' He asked, confused.

Kevin's jaw was clenched and he was looking straight up at the ceiling. Very pissed. What the...

'Why did you say yes?' Kevin asked, his voice toneless.

'What?' Patrick repeated. Kevin turned to look at him.

'Why would he ask us to go with him? And what made you think I'd go?' Kevin said.

'I don't...hold on...you DON'T want to go?'

'Why did Owen ask YOU if I wanted to go away for a weekend. And what made you think you could say yes for me?' Kevin annunciated each word with crystal clarity.

Oh jesus. Surely not this again. Patrick sighed. He really didn't want to have to go through crap again. Not tonight.

'Kevin. He knows we're together.'

'What the fuck does that mean? Just cos we fuck and have dinner occasionally? That suddenly gives him and you the right...'

'We do more than fuck, Kevin. We're spending a lot of time together and I threw you a party and...'

'I didn't ask you to do that.' Kevin retorted. 'And as for spending time together, that's supposed to be private. What the fuck are you doing gossiping with him about it?'

'I'm not gossiping about it!' Patrick exclaimed. 'He knows what's going on in my life. He knows I have a boyfriend that I'm in...'

'I told you not to make this something more than it was.'

'I'm not making it something more. I know exactly what this is. And so do you, for fuck's sake. And so does everyone at the party tonight!' Patrick shook his head, so fucking frustrated at this stupid man's stubbornness. Didn't he know that every time he touched Patrick's arm, or casually pulled him into the other room by grabbing his hand, or ruffled his hair at something funny or silly Patrick said, that he was proclaiming loud and clear to everyone watching them that they were together, a couple, an item, a fucking THING.

'I knew this party was a bad idea. It's made you think that you have some sort of claim. And I've told you you don't.' Kevin snapped, running his hand through his hair, his mouth tight and drawn.

'It didn't need this party to make me think I have a claim. And anyway, having a boyfriend doesn't give you a claim. Or at least, it gives you a mutual claim. You have just as much right to assume stuff about me as I do about you.' Patrick wanted to shake him and slap him and just fucking knock some sense into him. Especially as he saw Kevin wince at the word boyfriend.

'Patrick. I don't want to have this discussion again. As long as you want a casual fuck, I'm your man. Anything more and you are barking up the wrong fucking tree.'

'You know what Kevin, I don't want to have this discussion again either. You might think you mean what you say but your actions tell a very different story. And I'm choosing to listen to those because, you can try and fake indifference all you want, the way you act with me shows me that you care, and you have to know that I love...'

'I don't want to hear it.' Kevin said abruptly. Patrick watched him sit up and swing his legs out of the bed, searching for his underwear. And even though intellectually he'd always known Kevin reacting like this was a distinct possibility, being right felt like a punch in the gut.

'Kevin...'

'I'm going, and I'd like it as a last favor on my birthday if you didn't make a big fuss about it. Ok?'

'Kevin...please...don't leave. Can we just talk?' This could not be happening. He sat up and watched Kevin putting on the clothes Patrick had so frantically torn off him just a little while before.

'I told you I didn't want anything like that. I even told you I didn't want a boyfriend. Why couldn't you just leave it alone?

'Leave what alone? Our 'relationship'?'

'I don't want to be in a relationship with you Patrick. I've told you that before. This was supposed to be nothing more than fucking.'

'Well, guess what, Kevin? I don't believe you. I don't believe for a moment that you don't know exactly what this is.' Patrick shook his head, still not wanting to believe that his worst predictions could be coming true. Ben had warned him to have a plan. When the fuck would he learn to think things through before opening his stupid mouth.

'You can believe what the fuck you want. You always do anyway. And what you believe has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I don't know what story you've been telling yourself about who this new Patrick is and how the Patrick and Kevin story works out, but I never bought into it. Not once. So think what you like, I'm out of here.'

'Hold the fuck on, Kevin.' Patrick stood up and moved between Kevin and the bedroom door. 'That's not fair. That's just...' Patrick stopped to take a deep breath and compose himself. He watched Kevin do the same.

'I know it seems hard to believe that I could be so different...'

'This isn't about you. For once in your life can you understand that this is not. about. you.'

Patrick stepped back at the force of Kevin's words. And jesus, he'd never seen him so mad. Controlled, but...furious. What the fuck?

'I...' Patrick stammered, truly lost for words for the first time in his life.

'What kind of stupid fucking idiot do you think I'd be to fall for this shit twice?' Kevin spat out.

Shit.

'You don't know the first thing about love, Patrick Murray. I've heard you say the words before. And I even fucking believed them, poor stupid fool that I was. Then I stood on that rooftop and heard you tell me that it had all been one long fucking experiment for you. That you were playacting. That you'd known all along that it wasn't right, that you didn't really believe in any of it, but that you'd just gone with it, so you could tell your friends and family that you were finally all grown up.'

Patrick leaned his head back against the door, trying to get as far away from Kevin's rage as he could. Breathe, he reminded himself. Breathe and don't fucking lose it. But he could already feel the fear and panic welling up. And of course Kevin wasn't done. Kevin stepped up close, so their feet were almost touching, staring at Patrick in the eyes, his own cold and flinty, obviously unmoved by the tears he could see starting to form in Patrick's. And Patrick couldn't blame him.

'You looked at me like I was something disgusting you stepped in. You stood there listening to me begging you, and wondered if you'd ever be able to sleep well ever again if you had to sleep in the same bed with me. With me. The stupid wanker who'd thought that we were starting a life together and fooled myself into believing the things you said, the things you showed me, were true.'

Patrick swallowed and shook his head.

'You were never disgusting. Not stupid either. It was me...just...me...' Patrick whispered.

'Oh I know what it was. And I don't even blame you. I loved you and that made me blind. I wanted you, and I wanted us, and I did everything I could to make it happen. I pushed you, pulled you, believed what I wanted to and trusted in things that had no foundations. I believed in you. And I trusted you. So I was as deluded as you were. You persuaded yourself you were in love so you could live out some script you had in your head for being a grown up and in a relationship, and I persuaded myself that you knew what the fuck you were doing.' Kevin laughed, mirthlessly, bitterly. So fucking bitter that Patrick could almost taste it.

'I'm sorry.' Patrick clutched his arms around himself, gripping his biceps, trying to sniff bak the tears that threatened to overwhelm him, feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable as he stood there naked.

'What are you sorry for?' Kevin scoffed, stepping back, shaking his head. 'You fucking got what you wanted didn't you? You got to have an affair. You got to move out of your adolescent flat share with Agustin. You got to be the poor misled sweetheart whose shitty boyfriend revealed himself to be the world's biggest manwhore. You got to run away and have everyone rooting for you, everyone waiting for your return so we could see how well you overcame your hurt and damage. You even got to sit there and throw that game in my face. Our game that I worked on for YOU. You got to tell me that even being connected to me in the loosest way possible, just receiving money from me, was too disgusting for you. And you got what you always really were holding out for. Your grand learning experience. Your rite of passage into manhood. Leading you straight where you always wanted to be. Right in Richie's perfect arms.'

Patrick wiped away his tears, but he wouldn't look away. He wouldn't let Kevin do this to them.

Kevin stepped back, finally looking down as he brought up a hand to scrub over his hair. He shook his head slowly as he brought his eyes back up to Patrick.

'You got everything you wanted, Patrick Murray. And I got everything I deserved.' Kevin said quietly.

'No!' Patrick protested. 'That's not...Kevin. You didn't deserve that!' Patrick put out a hand to touch Kevin's shoulder but Kevin stepped back again.

Patrick dropped his hand.

The silence between them felt overwhelming. Patrick had no idea where to even start, or if Kevin was even finished. He had wanted to have this conversation, knowing it was at the root of so much of Kevin's hesitation, but he still wasn't ready for all this strength of emotion. God, he'd made such a mess of things back then. How was he going to put this all right?

'Kevin...'

'Listen Patrick.' Kevin interrupted him, breathing heavily, his voice softer, gentler, almost as if he was talking to someone precious. Patrick closed his eyes, overwhelmed at how much he wanted that to be true.

'You never could come up with an answer as to why everything fell apart. At the time it was something about our hearts working differently, or you insisting that I was asking for an open relationship, when I swore to you I wasn't. Then the weeks after it was about being betrayed, losing trust, when I swore to you I wouldn't cheat, that I would be monogamous. You needed space, you needed room to breathe, you felt suffocated by me, you had to leave. I got all that. So you left and I stayed behind and made some more stupid fucking mistakes trying to put my life back together. But then, never to return a single call, to cut off all ties, to treat me like a fucking pariah until you decided to swan back into my life a year later and get some fucking closure. Of course, still showing how...you...you clearly still despised me. Like seeing me was painful. Like you still wouldn't believe that what I felt had been real. I was still just that useless lying piece of shit that you had to protect yourself from.'

Kevin paused, this time to blink away his own tears. Patrick wanted to reach out, but the rejection from that first time still hit hard. Christ...what must Kevin have felt every time Patrick had flinched from him those god awful weeks after the rooftop conversation. Patrick swallowed hard.

'And the things you said about me, the things you told your casual fucks about me fucking employees and being a thirsty bottom and making it sound like I was just a fucking sleaze...did you think I wouldn't hear about those? That in a town as small as gay gamer SF it wouldn't get back to me? You stabbing me in the back like that? You knew I'd hear about it. And what that would show me about how you felt.'

'No, Kevin, I swear...that was never...I was just so lost...just wrong, so fucking wrong....' Patrick felt his world crumbling as he realized just how much damage he'd unknowingly and casually inflicted. It made him sick to think how Kevin might have heard about that. How he must have felt hearing that Patrick had gossiped about him and mocked him and reviled him...Had he really not expected Kevin to hear the rumors he began with that one night stand? Or had he wanted to hurt him more and more and more because he wanted to believe the things he was saying were true? Fuck...how had he been so fucking messed up.

'And I get that since then things have changed for you.' Kevin continued, not pausing to acknowledge Patrick's apology or explanation. 'That you've discovered bits of yourself that make you more grounded, or happier, or whatever the fuck has happened to you. But the truth is...I haven't changed. I'm still me. I'm still the man I was. I wasn't good enough for you back then. You were slumming it, practicing being a man, and somehow fucking me worked for you. And I'm happy for you. But I'm still the same...except...older. Grayer. So, I don't buy US. This...' and Kevin moved his hand pointing to the empty space between the two of them, '...is just as fucked up now as it was then.'

Patrick drew a deep breath as he tried to really listen to what Kevin was saying to him. It was hard hearing about himself as he'd been back then. Reckless with Kevin's feelings. Reckless with his own, but still forever guarded. Still keeping something back from Kevin so he never really felt the deeper connection he'd imagined there could be. He hadn't trusted Kevin. He'd had one foot out of the door, and he'd been almost grateful that Kevin had given him the excuse he'd needed to bolt that early Sunday morning. He'd used Kevin, and justified it by pretending to himself that Kevin had destroyed what they'd had. But...that was only part of the story. The part obviously that Kevin clung onto and however Patrick tried to show him that he was so much more self aware now, that he could no longer fool himself into believing anything, that everything Patrick felt now was genuine...Kevin wasn't going to believe him. The tree was poisoned.

But...there was those other parts to the story too. The parts Kevin needed to remember. The parts Patrick needed to remind him of.

'Kevin, can I say something?' Patrick asked quietly.

At Kevin's curt nod, Patrick breathed a sigh of relief.

'You're right about me. Everything...from how I felt at the end, to how I acted so poorly...there's...nothing I can say but sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't know how to end things sooner, or better, or more fairly. I panicked, I bailed, I got the fuck out of there as quickly as I good without caring about the mess I was leaving behind.'

Kevin shook his head, as he looked down at the floor.

'It wasn't going to work between us, because I would never have given it a chance.' Patrick admitted softly. 'It terrified me, how quickly I was moving into something so far over my head, and...I should have spoken to you about that. I should have spoken to you about how scared I was that everything I knew in my life was falling apart or changing so quickly, my parents, my relationship with Megan, Agustin moving on, Richie always there on the horizon like a prize I'd let slip through my fingers...but I didn't know. I didn't know what I was feeling or how I was using you to make me feel good. The sex, the closeness, the way you made me feel so fucking special...it was like a drug. I'm so so so fucking sorry.'

Patrick let his words sink in. He wasn't going to cheapen his apology by making excuses, or by trying to hurry them on from this point. It was painful and humiliating for him, but Kevin deserved that from him.

Eventually Kevin looked back up at Patrick. He nodded his head quickly, biting his lip, just the way he always did when he was trying to hold back his emotions. Patrick's heart broke a little, seeing the tears in Kevin's reddened eyes. But, he had to go on.

'The thing is, Kevin, that's how it all ended, and it was messy and horrible and one of the worst times of my life too. But...that's not how it started, right? Do you remember? How I was so drawn to you?'

Kevin seemed confused, and Patrick decided to take that as positive encouragement. Fuck it. He would take anything he could at this point.

'When I met you on that boat, I thought you were the most...unbelievably sexual man I'd ever seen, and I wanted you right there and then. I told Owen I was going to get you, because even though you'd dared to question me in the middle of my grand speech, I knew that you were someone I wanted to have in my life. Even if it was just going to be for one night.'

Kevin chuckled quietly.

'How long had it been since you'd had sex?'

'It wasn't just that...'

'Patrick, you were desperate. You were gagging for it. If that oncologist or if Richie had worked out, you wouldn't have even noticed me.'

'That's not true. Even after I knew about Jon, I couldn't help but fantasize about us. Remember all that time I spent in the office? Just the two of us? Flirting so outrageously...'

'And that was all done with as soon as you hooked up with Richie. Remember that? As soon as you got a regular source of dick, none of that meant anything anymore.'

Patrick sighed. Kevin was being very stubborn.

'It wasn't just sex.'

'Bullshit. Anyone would have done. I was just the one that pushed hardest beyond the resistance. You loved being pursued. Being wanted. Who doesn't love that. That doesn't make what we had special. It just makes me the asshole for being the most persistent.'

'We shared more than that, Kevin. We shared so much...'

Kevin scoffed. Patrick was getting annoyed.

'Remember how we'd lie in bed and chat? About every fucking thing under the sun? Not just about work, but about our childhoods, and our parents, the things we loved to do...'

'I remember.' Kevin said coolly.

'Then how can you say it was just about sex between us?'

'But Patrick...that's exactly how I CAN say that.'

Now it was Patrick's turn to be confused.

'We did spend that time together, the time that I was falling in love with you.' Kevin said quietly. 'But...at the end, you still never loved me, so...what did any of it really mean?'

Patrick caught his breath, his head spinning.

'I...' Patrick fell silent.

Kevin smiled wryly.

'You see? Not much more to say, is there?. I'm still the same person you couldn't fall in love with back then.'

'It's different now.' Patrick said wearily. It was so different, but how was he ever going to persuade Kevin of that?

'Tell me honestly, because I think that's all I really want from you at this point, Patrick. Perfect honesty.'

Patrick nodded his head.

'Why did you want to see me when you got to New York?'

Shit. Fuck. Kevin knew the answer to this, and it was only going to make him believe his own version of the present more.

'You know why.' Patrick said quietly.

'Tell me. Just say the fucking words out loud.' Kevin insisted.

'I wanted to make amends. I wanted to take back the way I'd made you feel.' Patrick murmured, staring at the floor. God...how was he going to get this back on track. How had he forgotten even for a minute how relentless Kevin could be.

'So let's just say that you've achieved your goal and call it a day.' Kevin sighed, after a few moments of excruciating silence. Patrick's head snapped up. Oh no. No fucking way.

'Do you really think I'd fuck you and spend time with you out of some misplaced sense of guilt, Kevin? Do you think I'm willing to sacrifice my life just so I could atone for the shitty way I treated you?'

Kevin shrugged.

'Sure. I was ready to, with Jon.'

'Well that's because you'd given up hope for some reason. Probably me. But I haven't. I haven't lost hope that I can be with a person that makes me happy and that I want to be with because I love them.' Patrick snapped back.

'Well then go and find that fucking person and leave me the hell alone!' Kevin shouted.

This time Patrick let his hand reach out and grip Kevin's arm.

'I don't believe you mean that. I don't believe you wouldn't be hurt if I went to do exactly that.'

Kevin shook his hand off, and ran his own through his short hair again.

'Of course I'd be hurt you stupid wanker. But that doesn't make it the wrong thing for you to do.'

'And yet I'm standing here, trying to tell you that I don't want anyone else but you...'

'And I keep telling you I don't want to hear that. For fuck's sake. Ben was right! You keep going back to the same people over and over again. It's time you found someone else. Someone new...'

'Why do you think I keep coming back to the same people?' Patrick asked gently.

'Guilt, fear of the new, a desire to tie up loose ends...how the fuck should I know?' Kevin started prowling around the tiny bedroom, looking like he was on the verge of losing his shit.

'Maybe it's because I care about you?' Patrick suggested.

'No.' Kevin stopped short, looking Patrick straight in the eyes. 'Never that.'

Patrick caught his breath, as he stared at Kevin, seeing the impenetrable walls, the impossible barriers...and he felt the cold reality of despair.

'You won't ever trust me again, will you?' Patrick whispered.

Kevin blinked rapidly, his shoulders tensing visibly as Patrick watched him. And then, suddenly, almost as if a huge weight had been lifted of him, Kevin's whole body seemed to exhale, as he closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, all Patrick could see was regret.

'No.'

Patrick nodded once, then stepped aside to let Kevin walk slowly out of the bedroom.

 


	14. Chapter 14

There were times when Kevin really wondered how his life had got so fucking complicated. And for ninety nine percent of those times the answer was usually simple. Patrick fucking Murray. Why was he sitting in this shitty bar, with a ridiculously expensive beer in his hand, waiting for Ben to come off the dance floor and shout at him some more? When had Ben defected to the other side? Oh yeah...when he'd been taken in by a pair of sad looking pretty blue eyes and a beautiful quivering lip. He'd wanted to give Ben more credit but it seemed like the Patrick Murray fan club had a new member, and it was becoming more and more obvious that Kevin needed to find a whole new set of friends.

Not that he wasn't obviously one of the founding charter members of the club himself. He'd paid for fucking lifetime membership the day he'd kissed Patrick at Megan's wedding. No, wait, it had been before that. He'd only finally acted on his impulses when he'd been drunk enough to overcome all his sensible inhibitions, but he'd lusted after Patrick weeks before. Fucking alcohol. Fucking Patrick fucking Murray.

His phone buzzed with a message, and Kevin sighed, refusing to even pick it up to look at it. No one would be texting him on a Friday evening except for that bloody fool that wouldn't leave things alone. If his idea was to drive Kevin insane with a constant barrage of attention-seeking messages he was doing very well. Of course it would probably help if Kevin stopped responding to him. Even if he only ever answered one out of four phone calls, or replied to texts every other day...it was still too much. But he just couldn't stop. He'd never pretended to have much of a backbone or any amount of real will-power when it came to Patrick. He'd tried his hardest to prevent things from getting to where they were now, he'd never encouraged him or led him on, he'd been as honest as he could as to what he was willing to give him. But on the other hand, he'd also never been able to say no to the man. Not in any lasting way. Sure, he'd managed to walk away. Once. But that didn't seem to be taking.

Patrick was treating him like a long-distance boyfriend, and it was fucking bizarre. He'd just call and talk about his day, or leave him messages about some new restaurant he'd found, or a movie he'd just discovered on TCM. He'd tell Kevin he missed him. He kept bringing up the conversation they'd had on the night of his birthday, apologizing for the way he'd acted. He kept bringing up things they'd done in the weeks after the GaymerX, reminding Kevin about conversations they'd had, or funny moments they'd shared in bed...and it was driving Kevin crazy. He almost wished Patrick would try and re-invent the past in a more magical way, so he could call him on his bullshit, but no, Patrick was being clear-eyed. Unromantic. Just very very specific with his memories. And yesterday he'd moved on to the more recent past. Their 'New York Phase' as he referred to it. Reminiscing fondly on the nights they'd spent together exploring all the new toys he'd come to love. Talking about how he regretted taking Kevin's response for granted and how he'd explained to Owen that they wouldn't be able to go away with him for the weekend. Apparently Owen understood. Which is more than Kevin could say for himself.

What the fuck was the stupid twat doing? And more importantly, what the fuck was Kevin doing letting Patrick do whatever the fuck he was doing? He was a stupid glutton for punishment.

'You are a miserable glutton for punishment.' Ben shouted in his ear, scaring the living shit out of him.

'What the fuck, Ben?' Kevin glowered, as he mopped up the beer he'd spilled all over the table.

'You love him, he loves you, why the fuck are you sitting here not watching me dance when you could be with him fucking your brains out?' Ben continued to shout as he sat at their table.

'I can hear you. The music's not that loud!'

'Yeah well, I'm that pissed.' Ben shot back. Albeit in a more reasonable volume.

'You don't have to sit here and babysit me. Go off and find yourself a shiny fuck toy for the night. I'm fine by myself.' Kevin assured him, annoyed yet again at how he was the continual target of Ben's anger.

'I'm sure you'll be fine. Fine is exactly what you are. I myself am hoping to achieve something a little better than 'fine' but if that's good enough for you...' Ben shrugged. Kevin stared at him before turning away to watch the beautiful people on the dance floor. He should just show Ben by getting up, picking one of those men and taking him home to fuck his brains out. And he would. One day.

'You didn't answer my question.'

Kevin ignored Ben.

'Why is Patrick calling me to tell me to look after you?'

Kevin took a drink of his now half empty glass of beer.

'Go home and call your boyfriend, Kevin. Tell him you're over your snit and you miss him and can't wait for him to suck your cock.'

Kevin glared at Ben. Ben waited.

'You know, Ben, sometimes you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.'

'He broke your heart, blah blah blah, made you feel like shit, yada yada yada, was in love with someone else...so the fuck what, Kevin? You don't want to be judged by the way you acted in the past, with Jon. You don't want that to be the only way people see you. Why isn't he allowed to have done something unforgivable that you just forgive him for anyway?' Ben asked, doing that annoying, condescending thing with his perfectly shaped eyebrow.

Kevin clenched his teeth as he tried to compose himself. This is exactly what he meant. Ben didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. He'd forgiven Patrick a long time ago. That had never been in question. But he couldn't forget. Wouldn't forget. His self-preservation skills were at least strong enough to remind him of what Patrick had really thought of him if he ever got too carried away in his own stupid fantasy land.

'I've forgiven him. You can relay that message to him the next time he calls to bug you about what stage I'm at. I'd forgiven him years ago. He can go ahead with the rest of his life with a clear conscience.' Kevin said, forcing his body posture to relax, willing Ben to let this whole thing drop.

'You know what pisses me off?'

Kevin sighed.

'I'm sure you're about to tell me.' He answered gloomily.

'I didn't really even care about you this much until that irritating boy came along. I liked you, I loved you fucking me, but I wasn't interested in your life or what was going to happen to it. And now, he made me care. Because it is so fucking obvious how much you love him and it has become clear to me now how much he loves you, and it is just some stupid timing issue of who has got over what when that is keeping you apart.'

Kevin felt simultaneously flattered and insulted. But there were more pressing issues to resolve than Ben's annoyance at actually caring about another human being.

'This isn't a timing issue. I'm not so immature or conceited as to throw away something that could be amazing if I thought it really stood a chance, however he'd acted in the past. But in this case, the past is the clue, Ben. It wasn't some silly fit of pique he threw that broke us up. He really, truly, fundamentally didn't think we could work. All the way through. Even as he was making plans to move in, he didn't believe it was the right thing to do. Even as he was standing there that morning in our new flat, he was looking for ways to undo it all. And ten months later, he still couldn't tell me if he'd ever really loved me or not.'

'I know Kevin. You've explained it. I get it. But...he knows what he's asking for now. And he seems to want it.' Ben said more gently.

Kevin shook his head, chuckling.

'Really? You think so? After Saint Richie, you think that I'm more than just some comfortable rebound. A sure thing. Someone he knows loves him and he can shorthand through all the pitfalls of getting to know someone new?'

'Then cut him loose, for god's sake.' Ben slumped over his own drink. 'Why are you still talking to him if you don't believe that he loves you, if you don't think there's some hope?'

Kevin shrugged. The answer to that was too pathetic to admit to Ben.

'Kevin, shit or get off the pot. I know you're not being deliberately cruel, but...like it or not, you're leading him on. Whatever opinion you have of his motives, I know he THINKS he really loves you. If he's right but you won't trust him, cut him loose for his sake. If he's wrong, cut him loose for yours.'

Kevin rolled his lip in and bit on it hard. He stared down at his beer, picking up and cradling his phone. Ben stood up, placing a hand lightly on Kevin's shoulder.

'Do the right think, Kevin.'

'I've already told him...'

'Not in anger. Or during a fight. You know that doesn't mean the same thing as a real break. If he can't fix this, you have to let him know once and for all.'

Kevin's heart clenched. He didn't want to do it, and Ben knew. That's why he was pushing him, the bastard. So, decision time. At the end of the day, there were three scenarios. Patrick loved him and they could make this work. Patrick loved him and Kevin couldn't make it work. Patrick didn't love him. Two out of three. He was a numbers man.

Kevin nodded his head and looked up at Ben, smiling grimly. Ben's face fell, and Kevin knew Ben had been counting on that heart clenching thing winning the day. Who knew Ben was such a hopeless romantic.

Half an hour later, Kevin was waiting outside his apartment. It was a beautiful evening. One of those New York summer nights when the whole city seemed to sparkle. Kevin watched people passing him by as he sat on the stoop of his Tribeca loft building, remembering another evening, waiting for Patrick on a stoop, his heart beating wildly, his head foggy from all the turmoil of the few days since the Halloween party when Patrick had asked him not to leave. To stay in SF so Patrick wouldn't have to miss him. Kevin almost cried at the thought of how hopeful he had been that night, though he'd been terrified too. Scared out of his mind that he'd left it too late and Patrick wouldn't take him back. God. He'd been so naive. For all his worldliness, he couldn't tell the difference between a cry of loneliness and a cry of love.

'Hey'

Kevin swung his head round to see Patrick standing a little to his right, hesitating, bouncing on his toes. He almost gave up right then. It was so fucking good to see him.

He gestured to the empty spot on the stoop next to him for Patrick to sit down. He wasn't going to invite Patrick in.

'Thank you. You interrupted a really good date.' Patrick said.

Well.

Maybe this conversation wasn't needed after all.

'I wanted to be able to tell you that I was trying to do what you wanted me to. So I agreed to go on a date with this really good looking guy. He's tall and dark and gorgeously scruffy, obviously works out, but he's smart too. He's a journalist, and he's been to some really interesting places. And from the bulge in his jeans I'd say he's either really well hung or he was really happy to see me.' Patrick rambled on. Kevin just stared at him, blinking.

'Ok.' he said eventually when Patrick obviously thought he'd explained enough.

'I couldn't do it though.'

'Do what?' Kevin asked, half dazed by the direction this conversation had taken.

'I couldn't go home with him. I knew it within five minutes, but I still sat there because I didn't want to be rude.'

'Huh.'

'I kept thinking how hurt you'd be if you found out and how that was the worst thing I could imagine. Hurting you again.' Patrick said by way of explanation.

Kevin cleared his throat roughly.

'Maybe you just needed a bit more dutch courage.' He tried to laugh.

'Don't. Don't use that phrase if it's not for us.' Patrick shook his head. 'I didn't want to go through with it because I'm in love with you and I don't want to have sex with anyone else.'

Kevin dropped his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his thighs. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to figure out how he was going to get through this.

'All right.' he said eventually. 'Let's talk about that.'

'About what?'

'Monogamy. That thing that used to be so important to you but that you've barely mentioned once since we started fucking.' Kevin answered flatly. He saw Patrick shrug out of the corner of his eye.

'Ok. Talk.'

'For you it's still a thing. Sex is tied up with emotion. You can't be in a consistently sexual relationship and not have it become an expression of something. Can you?' Kevin asked quietly, turning to look at Patrick.

'Probably not.' Patrick admitted.

'I've never felt that strongly about it. You know that now, that much has been established. And as I said, I'm the same person I was back in San Francisco.' Kevin pushed on.

'I know. But I'd want you to be monogamous with me. And I think you can be. You said you could do it back then, and if you still love me, which I, maybe stupidly, think you do, I believe you could do it.' Patrick said simply.

'So you'd be willing to risk it all on a belief that I'll stick to doing something that I don't particularly believe in because I love you enough to try.' Kevin re-iterated, wanting Patrick to hear how flimsy that sounded. How implausible that Patrick would ever have the strength to live like that.

But Patrick simply nodded slowly. Calmly.

'That's fucking ridiculous.' Kevin laughed bitterly. 'You said you would never be able to trust me! You said the cat was out of the bag. I'd never sign up for that. Living every day with the fear that I'm going to disappoint you and prove all your worst fears true. Knowing that there could be a day where I might fall short...'

'I'm not asking you to do that, Kevin. Not asking for you to sign up for a life of constant fear. All I'm asking is for you to try. Isn't that what you wanted?' Patrick interrupted him quietly.

'Yes but...'

'And you failing isn't my worst fear anyway.' Patrick broke in again. 'I get it now. There are no guarantees, no eternal promises. Only the hope that things will be good and okay and that we can get over any bumps in the road.'

Kevin gazed at Patrick, confused and bewildered. How was he supposed to fight his own words? Why was he trying to? Oh...yeah...because Patrick was at heart an optimist and a romantic, and crushing that was Kevin's idea of a living nightmare.

'Do you want to know what my worst fear is, Kevin?' Patrick continued, inching closer to Kevin on the stoop.

'I don't think so.' Kevin whispered.

'It's that I lose out on something wonderful because I'm too chicken-shit to take a chance, because I'm letting the past hold me back.' Patrick said, ignoring Kevin completely. 'Do you know what that feels like?'

Kevin refused to answer.

'I'm glad I took a chance with Richie even though it didn't work out. And loving him made me a better person so I'll never regret that. And now this love I feel for you...I just know it could be something amazing. So beautiful. And I'm really scared that you won't let it. And that however much I apologize for the way I hurt you, and however much it kills me to think of what you went through and felt, you won't let the past go. And that makes me sadder than the thought that one day one of us might get drunk and do something stupid that the other one will have to work hard to forgive. Does that make sense?'

Kevin shook his head because it really didn't. He knew that he would do his damnedest to keep any promise he made to Patrick. Fucking other people wouldn't mean anything to him and he could give it up easily because Patrick wanted him to, but to believe that Patrick might ever forgive him for some future mistake, to believe that Patrick wouldn't crumble and hate him and break him with his condemnation and his contempt...that didn't make any sense.

Patrick sighed at the stubbornness in Kevin's eyes, and Kevin felt so sad that he couldn't give Patrick what he wanted.

'Patrick, listen. I love you...'

Patrick's whole face lit up at hearing that and he leaned forward, as if pulled by some force towards Kevin. It took everything Kevin had to put a hand out to Patrick's chest, stopping him.

'...but...'

Kevin felt Patrick draw in a sharp breath and his chest tighten under his hand. He had to go on though.

'What you said, about no guarantees, taking a chance on love...it's all pretty words. But there's too much baggage. Too much has been said. Love just...isn't enough. We have to be practical too.'

Jesus...seeing Patrick's eyes well up with tears was killing him. He had to get this done with.

'You need to move on. I'm serious. This has to end. You need to put your energy into the future, not keep working on fixing the past. You keep talking about letting the past go, not holding on to it, but that's what you always do. That's why you keep coming back to the two of us, me and Richie, the two failures of your past. Move forward Patrick. No more looking back. You'll end up regretting it and wondering why you bothered when all the reasons it couldn't work for you in the first place come back, and we'll end up like we were in that cafe again. You questioning what the fuck you were doing, me trying to figure out why I can't stop loving you.'

Patrick was shaking his head, the tears slipping down his cheeks slowly. Kevin lifted his hand and wiped the tears away gently with his thumb.

'I fucking love you Patrick Murray. But...I fucking wish I didn't.' Kevin said quietly, as he leaned forward and kissed Patrick softly on the lips.

Then he got up and walked up his steps, blinking back his own tears as he fumbled with his key. He took a deep breath and without looking back to see if Patrick was still there watching him, he walked through the lobby door and out of Patrick's life.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enough already with all the angst! 
> 
> It's done. Just an epilogue to go...

Patrick paced the hall, chewing on his nail that was already bitten down to the nub. Nail biting was a disgusting habit. One he thought he had broken in his late teens. Surprise surprise. He'd worked on getting rid of so many destructive behaviors  in the past couple of years, but he'd obviously made room for some old ones to creep back in. Still, better this than flaming out on some ridiculous spiral of anxiety that he'd live to bitterly regret. Chewed nails were a small price to pay for being able to calm himself down and get his head in the right space.

Kevin was going to kill him. 

But, this time he had a plan. Not a very complicated one, and there were no backup contingencies, but it was honestly the best he could do. He'd thought and thought about this for two weeks, his brain so wrapped up in playing out all the possible scenarios that he'd seriously felt his mind HURT. Physically ache. 

Kevin was a formidable opponent. He was always the smartest person in the room. And jesus, he knew how to talk. Everybody thought that Patrick was the one who couldn't keep his mouth shut, but when Kevin got going, there was no stopping him. He seemed to have all his arguments right at the tip of his fingers, and could pull them out at a second's notice. Patrick envied him that. He'd never be so disciplined, however many years he tried. So...he had to have all his thoughts marshaled in advance.

Patrick pulled his phone out to check the time. His watch didn't have the accuracy he needed. Kevin was one minute late. Not the end of the world.

'Shit.' Patrick murmured when the intercom buzzed. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans before he picked up the phone and told the doorman to let Kevin up.

Kevin was going to be so pissed when he realized Owen had set him up. Patrick dropped his forehead on the solid wood of the front door, taking deep breaths, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. He needed a drink. He needed a joint. He needed Agustin holding his hand.

He took a step back when the doorbell finally rang, and composed his face. He'd been practicing a cheerful smile, but for the life of him he couldn't pull it off. Well, chances were that Kevin would just turn on his heels and walk away when he saw Patrick opening Owen's door, so his facial expression was probably moot.

Patrick shook out his hand, as he reached out and yanked the door open, grinning like a maniac.

Kevin did not look surprised.

'Hey.' Patrick cleared his throat.

'Well? Should I come in?' Kevin asked eventually.

Patrick winced as he stood aside to let Kevin pass. This did not feel like a particularly auspicious start. He had been hoping to be able to gauge something from Kevin's state of mind by his initial reaction to Patrick's presence. But he got nothing. Somehow Kevin knew he was going to be here. Owen. That spineless bastard.

'How did you...?'

'Don't worry. Owen didn't betray you. I just put two and two together. I'm good with numbers that way.' Kevin said as he made his way into the living room and took a seat on the sofa, taking command of the room. As always. Patrick followed. Already playing catch up, damn it.

'What do you...'

'You haven't called in two weeks and suddenly Owen invites me over for dinner on a Friday night, on a weekend when I'd already turned Bethany's invitation down to accompany them to the Hamptons. You're both really very bad at this Patrick. You should have included her in the loop.' Kevin sighed as he shook his head.

Oh. Shit. But...he still came...so...that was good, right? 

'Well. Thanks for coming.' Patrick smiled brightly. His face was going to ache so badly if he didn't find a way to calm the fuck down.

'I figured it was easier to just get it done rather than wait to be ambushed some other time.' Kevin shrugged. Then they just...did nothing. Kevin sat on the sofa, his arms spread across the back, legs crossed with one foot hanging over his knee, as if to show how supremely unconcerned he was. Master of all he surveyed. Patrick stood by the entrance to the kitchen, watching him like a hawk. 

....and there. There it was. The telltale nervous little tick. Kevin's foot bouncing ever so lightly on the floor. Almost imperceptible. But enough of a sign to let Patrick know that he wasn't the only one seconds away from a nervous meltdown. Patrick smiled.

'Do you want a drink?' 

Kevin shook his head.

'Owen's got a full bar. Or...if you like I could make us some coffee. Or a 'spot of tea'.' Patrick said in his impeccable British accent.

Kevin looked him straight in the eye.

'I don't drink tea.'

Patrick sighed.

'It was a joke Kevin. I know you don't drink tea. I know every drink you like. I know the brand of beer you like, I know the only cocktail you will ever consider ordering is a Martini, shaken, not stirred, I know the make of coffee you buy for the morning, and the decaf one you drink at night. I even know how you take your coffee. Ok? So...don't make this about me not knowing anything about you. It. Was. A. Joke.'

Kevin had the grace to look a little embarrassed. Good. Asshole. Trying to make Patrick feel bad. 

'Your accent is terrible.' Kevin mumbled. Presumably by way of apology.

'Well, let's not spend the evening stating the obvious, shall we?' Patrick responded brightly.

'What do you propose we do instead?' And there was absolutely no sexual innuendo in Kevin's tone whatsoever. Nothing. Still stone cold. 

'I 'propose' you sit there and listen. And before you say anything, let me warn you that I'm ready for this. I've been preparing. And just so you don't feel cornered and get all aggressive and hostile...' Patrick put up a hand to stop Kevin who was obviously not happy with that characterization. 'don't even try it, Kevin. You know you do. You're like some sort of super ninja word freak when you feel you've got your back against the wall. You start spewing all this stuff that you've obviously kept hidden in your brain and prepared for moments such as these, and no one else gets a chance to say anything. You just batter and batter away until you've cowed me into submission. And I'm not going to let you tonight. I'm going to tell you exactly what I have planned so you don't get into your attack mode, and the only request I have for this evening is, you can say anything, as long as you haven't already said it before.' 

Well fuck. So much for easing gently into things. Not one bit of that was part of his plan. Why the fuck did he show his cards so completely. He really had to keep things together before this night turned into a shit show neither of them could recover from. Kevin did not look happy. Not at all. But at least he was showing some emotion.

'I'm sorry.' Patrick muttered, letting himself sit in a chair opposite Kevin. 'I didn't really mean to say all that. It's just...the last couple of times we've had a chance to talk I feel like you've had this very specific agenda and it's not been a conversation. You haven't been listening to me. You've just talked AT me, and expected me to have no response, or at least, you've not been interested in my response.' Patrick tried to explain. 'So...it's kind of my turn to talk. If that's ok with you.'

Patrick waited. Fuck. He knew this wasn't going to be easy, but the task of getting them beyond this suddenly seemed overwhelming. He wanted to get to a point where Kevin wasn't working against him. Where they were working as a team. And the only thing he had in his corner was the fact that he knew Kevin still loved him. Was that going to be enough? And frankly, was them being together worth all of this? This fucking torture of sitting here and having to prove himself and having to beg and cajole and...was it fucking worth it? 

Patrick sat there, watching Kevin, seeing the looks of frustration and impatience warring with his desire to disprove Patrick's theory. Poor guy.  Kevin was kind of stuck. If he started attacking Patrick he'd be proving Patrick's point. If he agreed to behave, he was stuck listening to Patrick. Maybe Patrick's impulsive outburst wasn't the worst thing after all. Patrick exhaled as he saw Kevin clench his teeth. 

It was so fucking worth it. 

'Relax Kevin.' Patrick said gently, feeling more hopeful than he had since Kevin's birthday. 'This won't hurt. I'm just going to talk and talk and talk, and then I'm going to give you a present.'

Kevin nodded. Once. 

Ok then. Time to get the show on the road. Time for the big reveal. For the grand unveiling... Only, it wasn't really going to be much of a show. And as Patrick sat there, looking at a stubborn, uncommunicative Kevin, his whole plan felt...silly. Juvenile. 

He couldn't do it. 

Kevin was looking at him. Waiting. And Patrick suddenly had nothing. He could feel his body slumping. Feel his hands starting to clench and rub his thighs. Damn it. He couldn't even stop the stupid tears from welling up. 

'Patrick.' Kevin said softly, sitting forward, leaning towards him. Patrick shook his head. He was so fucking stupid. He was blowing the only chance he had.

'I had a plan.' He murmured. 'A whole thing I was going to do.' He laughed wryly, wiping his eye with the back of his hand.

'Patrick you don't need...'

'I was going to tell you a story. Our story, really. So it's not as if you don't know it, but...I was going to tell it to you from my viewpoint. What it was like to meet you. What it felt like getting to know you, how I felt like you were this magnet that I kept being drawn to even when I knew about Jon and when I was with Richie...' Patrick whispered. He squeezed his eyes and sniffed. He didn't want Kevin feeling this as another burden. It was supposed to be a celebration of Kevin. But as usual he was fucking this up.

'I wanted to tell you about what you were like back then. So confident, successful, everybody's favorite tech super-star. But with this crazy sweetness that I got to see and you told me these little things about you that made you normal and made me laugh, and I saw things that other people didn't. I remember when you couldn't get out of that stupid hanging chair, and you almost fell out and you just laughed at yourself and didn't care. And then how giddy you were about Top Trumps. And you bought it on e-bay to show me and it was just so stupid and camp and you were giggling about it.'

Kevin smiled.

'You have no idea what it meant to me when you did that dance for me. In the office. How did you know it was exactly what I needed? I was so scared. I'd fucked up so badly. Having sex with my boss. In the office. Unprotected sex, for fuck's sake. And Dom and Agustin they just didn't even know what to make of me. Do you know how out of character that was for me? And it felt so good even though I knew it was wrong. Even though I'd broken Richie's heart and I knew what we were doing to Jon...I just...couldn't stop. I wanted to and I even tried but god, you were just so BIG in my head. You blocked so many things out. At work you were everything I wanted to be. And when we fucked I had never, well, you know, I just did so many things that felt dirty but so right. When I was with you and we were laughing about something at work, or you would tease me about eating, or we would make plans about video games and world domination, I just felt like this amazing ease. Like...you got me. So totally. You know?' Patrick could hear himself rambling, but he couldn't stop. He was so far off script, but there was no filter anymore between his brain and his mouth.

Kevin nodded slowly.

'And I felt I got you too. You seemed so relaxed and happy and you looked at me and made me feel like I was something extraordinary. And because you're so fucking smart and you make everyone feel just a little special when you talk to them, when you chose me with all that focus you have...I was lost.'

Patrick stopped to breathe and wipe the rolling tears off his face.

'But I don't want to tell that story anymore.' Patrick shook his head. 'It's just a story about a person who no longer exists.'

'Patrick...'

'No, please. I don't want to talk about how I felt then, because it doesn't have anything to do with how I feel now. Telling you what I loved about you back then doesn't change the fact that you can't see that I'm not that person. It was a stupid idea to do that, and now...I don't have anything in it's place.' Patrick trailed off, bewildered at how he was suddenly so lost.

'Can I say something?' Kevin asked gently.

'Only if you haven't said it before.' Patrick laughed, sadly.

'I don't want you to have to go through this.' 

Patrick sighed.

'Don't you get that I think you're worth this?' he shook his head in despair. 'How can you not see that? Why is it so hard for you to believe that I don't care if it's hard or difficult or painful. It's worth it if I can get to be with you. I SEE you Kevin. I KNOW you. And it's the REAL you I'm in love with and I'm fighting for. I'm not lovestruck or foolish or blind, Kevin. I can still see all the things about you that I don't like and never will.' 

Patrick shut his eyes in frustration. 

'Do you want me to list them?' he chuckled wearily.

Kevin blinked. And then nodded. He actually, fucking, nodded. What. The. Fuck.

'Really?' Patrick exclaimed. 'You'd rather hear a list of things I don't like about you, than have me tell you how much I love you?'

Kevin nodded again.

'Jesus, Kevin. What the fuck is wrong with you? No...don't answer. I'll tell you.'

Kevin sat back, and Patrick leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs.

'You're arrogant Kevin. You're an arrogant prick. You think you're smarter than everyone and usually you're right, but when you're not, you have an ugly competitive streak that makes me want to punch you. Not everything is a business meeting in a boardroom, Kevin, or a crisis containment exercise, or a fucking project deadline negotiation. You don't have to win every argument and be right about everything all the time.' Patrick pinned Kevin with a glare.

'And you're a drama queen. You think because you made yourself vulnerable to me and that ended badly, that your whole life is doomed to be one of loneliness and despair, and that's stupid enough to make me want to punch you too.' God. The list of things that annoyed Patrick wasn't long, but there were some big hitters on it.

'And that whole brooding thing you have going on...it doesn't suit the cynical British image you try to give off all the time. You can't be pissed at life and laughing at it the same time, you know. Pick a side. Life's not fair. Surprise! I wasn't as in love with you as you were with me. That was no reason for you to get back together with Jon, for fuck's sake. That was a really dumb decision. You should take some responsibility for that. Man up and admit that you were moping and playing the poor-little-me card. Even the way you were with Ben. What the fuck was that? Why would you choose to spend time with someone who you obviously had no future with? Someone that will be a party boy till the day he dies, and probably long after. I mean...don't get me wrong...I'm really glad you didn't find anyone else, but...come on, Kevin. You really need to grow a pair of balls because all this damsel in distress stuff is growing OLD.'

Kevin was looking a little dazed.

'I think you like sulking. And it's not attractive.'

Patrick stopped to think for a moment. 

'And you're a clean freak which is intensely annoying because not every surface has to be spotless all the time. And not everything needs to be symmetrical. And by the way, your style is atrocious. I hated that apartment. I know I loved the windows, but I only said I liked the place because I knew you would. Those corridors, the hallways, the lobby...god, it was like something out of Stalin era Russia. But all you see is the price tag and that also make me want to punch you. It's like your place in Tribeca. It's got no soul, and you don't care. You have a very superficial understanding of your surroundings. You only rented it because someone told you that was the hottest ticket in town. Which makes you a social climber. Which I don't like.'

'Are you finished?' Kevin asked after a few moments of silence.

'You're vain. It wouldn't hurt you to let your body go a bit. Skip the gym once in a while. Forget to manscape. You don't have to look perfect all the time.' Admittedly, this probably counted as scraping the bottom of the barrel.

'What do you care if I manscape or go to the gym?' Kevin retorted, clearly fed up. 'It's not as if I make YOU do it. You barely fit in the same clothes as you did two years ago and I don't give a rat's arse about that. And I never complain about the scraggly hair you have on your chest or the wispy growth things on your face when you don't shave on the weekends.'

'I can't grow a beard!' Patrick protested. 'It's not my fucking fault. I'm a fucking WASP. And sometimes I just can't be bothered to shave!'

'And I don't care so how come you get to care about the way I look. That sounds to me like YOU'RE the one that's superficial.' Kevin shot back.

'Are you actually competing with me on who is more superficial, Mr. 'I can't wear a sweater unless it has a label' queen. THIS is what I meant about your ugly competitive streak. I am trying to tell you that I don't care if your body is not perfect, and you are trying to prove that you care LESS about MY body. How is that not ridiculous?' Patrick held up his hands in wonder.

'You're sloppy and I think you may have ADHD' Kevin retorted.

'What?' Patrick laughed in shock.

'You're always bouncing around, never stay on topic for longer than five minutes, your clothes are like the donation basket at the salvation army, except for the ones we bought together, and you have a teenage girl's tolerance for alcohol and weed.'

'Here we go. Kevin backed in a corner, comes out guns blazing. How long have you been storing this shit up for?'

'You started it!'

'You TOLD me to!' Patrick shouted in exasperation. Then sat back. Confused. Wait...what the fuck was happening.

'Kevin...' he started tentatively. 'Are we actually having a catfight?'

Kevin stared at him. Then down at his hands. Then back at Patrick. He shrugged.

'I think we are.' He said.

Patrick smiled.

'I like it.'

Kevin rolled his eyes.

'That's because you're a drama queen. And by the way, I stuck to your stupid rule, I didn't say anything I'd ever said before.' Kevin stated.

'Well done, Kevin. Here, have another ten points to add to your imaginary score.'

Kevin scowled.

'I need to give you your gift now, though the moment is totally ruined.' Patrick grumbled as he stood to go in the kitchen. 'And listen, this time I AM going to give the speech I prepared because I'm not letting you derail me again.'

'It's not my fault if you're flighty and easily distracted, Patrick Murray. I think they have pills for that nowadays. Aderol.' Kevin called after him. The fucker.

'Here.' Patrick said, returning to stand in front of Kevin and thrusting a poster tube at him.

Kevin looked suitably confused. 

'Open it' Patrick prodded him, more gently than he thought he wanted to. 

'Is this...'

'Open it and see.' Patrick smiled, enjoying the bewildered, slightly hopeful look in Kevin's eyes.

He probably should be more nervous. He hadn't really secured the win yet. But...all he really felt was a sense of peace. And annoyance of course, at Kevin's obnoxious attitude. ADHD! For christ's sake, the man was a menace when he came out swinging. Still. It was nice to be loved despite all the things that Kevin listed. Wispy hair, chunky thighs and all.

Kevin stared at the poster he'd unrolled, biting his bottom lip. He looked up at Patrick and Patrick's heart thumped. It must be all those chemicals and neurons Kevin had spoken about, rushing through his body, making his heart feel like it was on a roller-coaster ride. He smiled weakly. Ok. Time for the closing arguments. He pulled himself together.

'I think I get it. I watched the movie and I think I finally understand what you loved about Field of Dreams.' Patrick said quietly.

'It's about yearning. It's about believing in something even when you don't have any proof of it being real, and believing so hard that you change your whole life for it and are happy to do so and then wait.'

Kevin nodded, looking back at the poster of his favorite movie.

'So...I guess...what I'm trying to say, Kevin, is that I'm yearning too. And I'm hoping that you'll believe me when I say that I think I 'built it', the beginnings of a new relationship, and now I'm just waiting for you, hoping you'll come.'

Patrick watched Kevin as he took in a sharp breath, still staring at the poster. Kevin Costner with a half smile, standing in front of a fool moon, full of mystery and promise.

'And not to belabor the point but you see where it says that all his life he was searching for his dreams, and then one day his dreams came looking for him? Well, in that analogy, I'm supposed to be your dream, and now I've come looking for you.' Patrick blushed. God. It was so sappy and romantic. But then again...Kevin was too.

Kevin looked up at him, his eyes welling with tears. He pretended to scowl and then rolled his eyes to try and get rid of them.

'It's alright. It's supposed to pull an emotional punch.' Patrick teased him.

Kevin laughed.

'Is it working?'

Kevin nodded.

'Are you going to say anything, anytime soon?' Patrick asked tentatively.

'I fucking love you Patrick Murray.' Kevin said quietly.

'I know. Do you still wish you didn't?'

'No.'

'Ok. Then...do you believe I love you?' Patrick pushed a little more.

'Yes.'

'Ok. Then...if I were to ask you to please please please, Kevin Matheson, take a chance on trusting me...would you be able to do that too?' Patrick whispered.

Kevin rolled up the poster gently and placed it back in the tube. Patrick didn't mind waiting. Sometimes the waiting felt like hell and made you dread each passing moment. But sometimes the waiting was delicious and made you realize how lucky you were to be alive. All Patrick felt now was wonderful anticipation, as he watched Kevin put his precious gift away safely, out of harm's way.

Kevin looked up at him. Patrick looked down at Kevin.

'You talk too bloody much, Patrick Murray.' Kevin said as he pulled Patrick down onto the sofa and covered him with his body.

'Wait!' Patrick held off Kevin's fast approaching mouth with his hand. 'I need you to know one more thing.'

Kevin smiled, kissing the hand that Patrick held over his lips.

'I love you. So much.' Patrick said quietly, moving his hand up to stroke Kevin's head and then slowly down to rub his petal soft ear lobe between his fingers.

'But I will burn that poster before I ever let you put it up on any wall.'

'Wanker.'

'Cunt.'

'You're probably right about that.'

'I'm always right.'

'You are very rarely right, Patrick Murray.'

'Kevin, kiss me before you spoil the mood.'

'I could get you in the mood within five seconds flat. You're easy.'

'Yes but with my ADHD, keeping me in the mood might prove difficult.'

'They've got pills for that.'

'You really should stop talking and start kissing.'

'You're very bossy when you're horny.'

'You're not very good at taking orders.'

'That's why I'm the boss.'

'Shut up and kiss me.'

'Ok. If you insist.'

Patrick did insist. And Kevin obliged him, because, as Patrick had pretty much known all along, Kevin never really could deny him anything.


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've loved writing this. I'm happy that it's completed, but sad that it's over. Thank to all of you that stuck with me and left such lovely comments. 
> 
> I already miss these boys...

**Part 1 - one month later...**

His boy really did have a fine chunky ass. Very pale. Very smooth. A smattering of freckles. A real WASP ass. It filled out his jeans so nicely. But of course it was best viewed in all it's splendor, fully naked, framed by the lovely picture window that afforded them a glorious view of the ocean, shimmering in the early morning sunlight.

Kevin lifted himself quietly out of their heavenly warm cocoon of a bed and padded quietly to join Patrick at the window. He ran a hand up Patrick's back and into his hair, leaning in to kiss the top of his shoulder and nuzzle his face into that special spot in the crook of his neck that seemed to house the essence of Patrick. Dried sex sweat, kissing spit, a stray drop of cum and a dash of Patrick Murray pheromones. The best fucking scent in the world. Kevin took in lungfuls of it as Patrick bent his head to give him easier access. He twisted his head round eventually to put soft gentle kisses on Kevin's face, and Kevin grinned, ridiculously content to just stand there even though it was a stupidly early time to be awake and a small part of him just wanted to drag Patrick back to bed and cuddle them both to sleep.

'You're awake.' Patrick whispered, pulling his head back to focus on Kevin's eyes. 'You've missed the sunrise though. It was amazing. I took like a hundred pictures. This view is fucking unbelievable. I think they gave us the best room in the house which is just so sweet. Bethany totally loves me. And her parents too. Jesus fuck are they loaded. This house is like nothing I've seen before. It makes Lynn's place on the Russian River look like a shack.' Patrick had turned back to gaze out the window as he rambled on, leaning back in Kevin's arms.

The view really was spectacular. Both inside and out. Standing there with his chin on Patrick's shoulder, his arms around the warm, thoroughly fucked body that he had spent last night playing with and delighting in, Kevin let his mind take in the splendor that was the mighty Atlantic Ocean lapping at the outrageously exclusive Hamptons beach they were staying on. A totally unobstructed view out of a huge curved picture window that must have cost a fortune to custom build and install. Money well spent.

They could see for ever up and down the beach. And they were so close to the sand. Literally steps away. Which meant of course that anyone walking by on the beach for a romantic stroll, like, say Owen, Bethany, her parents, her sister, any of the other Hamptonites that rented or owned summer homes out here, would be getting an eye full of his majesty's and his majesty's loyal servant's Crown Jewels right about now.

'What the fuck are you doing standing here naked at the window.' Kevin croaked, his voice rough from too much alcohol consumption, too much weed, too much sex and not enough sleep.

'You're naked too.'

Kevin yawned.

'We should put some shorts on.'

'I thought you didn't care if people could see you through windows.' Patrick laughed.

'That was in San Francisco. If you're looking through people's windows in the gayest city in the world, you deserve any trauma you suffer. This is the Hamptons. There are families trying to enjoy their summer here.' Kevin justified himself, sleepily.

'Right. We wouldn't want little Jimmy and little Amanda having to ask mummy and daddy what those two funny men are doing with their dangly bits, over there in the window.'

Kevin winced.

I didn't realize the cast of Mary Poppins was visiting the Hamptons this summer.'

'Oh come on!' Patrick exclaimed. 'My accent is NOT that bad. I really got the vowels good this time.'

'Keep practicing. Or rather...don't.'

'You sound just as ridiculous when you try to speak with an American accent. You sound like a fucking hillbilly.' Patrick retorted.

'I'm too tired to prove you wrong.' Kevin yawned again. Right in Patrick's ear which earned him an elbow in his gut. He just pulled Patrick closer and snuggled him tighter.

'Why are you up so early anyway? I thought you'd be knackered after last night's fun festivities.'

'It was fun, right? I love Trivial Pursuit with old people. They know the strangest shit.'

'I was thinking more about the hours long fuck fest after lights out but if the best part of the evening for you was playing multi-generational board games, I guess we have different ideas of what constitutes the term 'fun'.'

'Yeah well Trivial Pursuit doesn't leave me with rug burns and a sore ass so...' Patrick shrugged, banging into Kevin's chin. He didn't seem very sorry. Maybe Kevin had been a little too 'energetic' last night. He probably should apologize.

'That's because you're not playing it right.' He said instead. 'Next time, we'll play it alone and every time you get an answer wrong you have to strip and perform a sexual favor.'

'You're a degenerate Kevin Matheson.' Patrick sighed.

'And yet you're the one standing naked at the huge window for everyone to gawk at.'

'The beach is empty if you hadn't noticed. It's too early for people, except for the poor dog owners, and they're all half asleep.' Patrick assured him.

'Which brings me back to my question of why are you awake? Kevin started stroking Patrick's belly, enjoying the smooth soft skin under his fingertips.

'Hmmm. That's nice.' Patrick murmured, covering Kevin's hand with his own. Then somehow he twisted around and Kevin found himself face to face with a dreamy, content-looking Patrick.

'I couldn't sleep because I was happy and I was thinking.' Patrick said softly.

'What?' Kevin asked, entranced by the peaceful, happy look on Patrick's face.

'How my lease is up in a couple of weeks and how wonderful it would be to move in together and have mornings like this every day.' Patrick said softly, running a hand up Kevin's cheek, tracing the edge of his stubble.

Kevin froze. His whole body suddenly in a state of sheer terror. Oh god. Oh fuck. Shit. Shit. Shit. Not now. Not when things were so fantastic and easy and finally drama free and...

Patrick snorted. And then laughed. He fucking laughed.

The fucking wanker.

'You should see your face.' Patrick tried to say between his huge gales of stupid laughter. Kevin hoped he choked on his own spit. The cunt.

'You're a ...'

'Cunt.' Patrick interrupted him happily. 'Yes I know. And you're too stupid for words. And you deserve that because, as I said, my ass is sore and my knees are chafed, so get a clue and stop treating my body like your own personal playpen and maybe I won't try to give you a heart attack first thing in the morning.'

Kevin pinched Patrick's butt hard, before turning on his heels and heading back to the bed. If the faggoty cunty wanker wanted to be awake at stupid-o'clock in the morning, let him. He was going back to sleep and would re-evalaute his relationship with the idiot when he woke up.

'Oh don't be like that, Mr. grumpy.' Patrick crooned to his retreating back. 'Give me a little booty dance just so I know you're not really mad.'

Kevin ignored him as he slid into the bed and settled himself onto his stomach. He knew he wouldn't have too long to wait.

'Keeeevin.' Patrick was whispering into his ear seconds later. 'I'm so sorry.'

Kevin felt Patrick climbing onto his back, pulling down the duvet and straddling his ass. He hid his grin in the pillows.

'I know your poor heart is too fragile for that kind of shock in the morning.' Patrick continued, in a silly sing-song voice that Kevin had come to dread. He felt Patrick's hands on his back, stroking up and down in a strong, sure, soothing motion.

'And I know it's not really your fault that you fucked me so hard on my knees that I travelled the length of the carpet. Or that you were so horny that you used up three condoms and, in retrospect as per my complaining ass, not enough lube.'

The silly wanker hadn't complained last night, Kevin thought grumpily. He'd been fucking begging for it. Ordering Kevin to plow him faster, harder, and wanting more and more and more. That would be the last time he'd give Patrick what he wanted. Or at least he'd have to beg him a lot harder next time. Patrick was the one that had told him he was ready when Kevin had tried to take him time and prepare him and lube him properly, but Patrick wasn't willing to forgo more potential rimming which Kevin had pretty much ruled out after the taste of the lube Patrick had brought with them nearly made him gag. What the fuck was he thinking buying organic fruity lube? As if his ass was too precious for...

'So I forgive you for all the horrendous discomfort I'm in this morning.' Patrick said sweetly, as he bent down to kiss Kevin's shoulder.

'That's very big of you.' Kevin grumbled.

'Not really, but hopefully this is.' Patrick whispered as he spread his body over Kevin's and thrust his hard cock against Patrick's back.

'If you think I'm letting you come anywhere near me with that thing after what you said...'

'Oh I DO think you're letting me come. Right inside you.'

Kevin felt Patrick shift around on top of him, reaching for the supplies they had conveniently placed on the bedside table. Enough for a week's worth of fucking, even though they were only here for the weekend. They both believed in the power of wishful thinking though.

'Aren't you supposed to be protesting a little more?' Patrick nipped at Kevin's buttock with his teeth as he moved down the bed to start driving Kevin crazy.

'Who the hell would I be punishing if I stopped you from fucking me?' Kevin retorted. 'I may be stupid enough to fall for your earnest little act about moving in, but I'm not stupid enough to turn down a free fuck where I don't have to do any of the work. I get more cardio fucking you while you just lay there like a virginal princess than I do in a week's worth of spin class.'

'You love it, you fucker.' Patrick laughed. 'You're always begging me to lie back so you can see my face, to stop clinging to you, to hold onto the headboard. If you could bind and gag me I think it would be your favorite way to fuck me.'

'I can't help it if you look pretty when you're coming. I like to watch.' Kevin protested, smiling as he felt Patrick's lips and tongue kissing every inch of his back and his thighs, always avoiding the one place Kevin wanted him most.

'Hmmmm. That's a nice thing to say.' Patrick murmured, finally moving his little tongue laps and nibbling onto Kevin's buttocks. 'Just for that, I'm going to do some of your very favorite things.'

Kevin gasped as he felt Patrick's tongue lick patterns all across his ass, while one of his hands reached between the bed and Kevin to leisurely grip his cock. Yesssssss. Kevin shifted in anticipation of the rimming he knew was to come.

And Patrick was so good at this. All that exercise he got talking and constantly eating meant his tongue was in superb condition. Or so Kevin always claimed. And of course his enthusiasm helped. He really was making up for lost time. Cramming in all the sexual experiences he hadn't had in his twenties, and Kevin was the lucky recipient of all that focus and energy. Yum. He really was a lucky fucker.

Oh god. There. Right. Fucking. There. Kevin arched his back, which bothered Patrick because it restricted his access, so Patrick slapped his butt and pushed his back down, squeezing Kevin's cock as a warning. Fuck fuck fuck fuck but having Patrick's warm wet tongue licking him and spearing into him and fucking the hell out of him was about the best thing he could ever imagine. Other than having Patrick's cock inside him rubbing over his p-spot over and over. Or having Patrick swallowing him to his root and deep-throating him until Kevin's eyes rolled back into his head. Or pushing his own cock into Patrick's tight warm ass and hearing Patrick pant and moan as he begged Kevin be able to hold on and kiss him. Or...fuck. Anything they were doing at any particular moment was the best thing Kevin could imagine. He was so fucking gone. And now just thinking about their sex was making him too close to coming. He needed to think about something horrible. Something boring. Something that would make his dick soft because Patrick was just putting on the condom and pushing the lube into him so he was going to need to last more than a minute. He didn't want this to be over too quickly.

Kevin grunted as Patrick pushed inside him. This wasn't going to help. He needed to think about work. Coding. Computers. Deadlines. Restless clients.

Fuuuuuuuuuck. There it was. Right there. Again. Shit. Clients. Deadlines. Oh....he never missed that fucking spot. It was making Kevin's spine tingle. And his hand. His beautiful terrible cruel hand that was just stroking the tip of him now, so lazily and slowly, mirroring his thrusts inside. Computers. Java. C++. 'If' statements. Memory declarations.

'I love your skinny ass, Kevin Matheson.' Patrick breathed in his ear, sucking on the skin of his neck and biting his shoulder. 'It's so snug in here. I want to live in here forever. I want to fuck the living shit out of you but I want to do it so slowly that I never come and just keep pushing inside you for the rest of my fucking life.'

Kevin moaned. Memory declaration. Memory declarations.

'But I can't because I also want to fuck you so hard that you feel me inside you all week. Everytime you sit down I want you to remember that I fucked you harder and deeper than anyone ever and I want you getting hard thinking about it and I want you jerking off to the thought of it every moment I'm not with you.'

Fuck. Patrick's smile. Patrick's smell. Patrick's cock. Patrick's fingers clutching him and bruising him. Patrick's whispers. Patrick's panting words in his ear.

'I'm going to fucking come.' Kevin gasped.

'Do it.' Patrick pressed his forehead into Kevin's back as he pulled Kevin's hips up under him, and kept his promise to fuck Kevin harder and deeper than anyone before.

Jesus fucking christ.

They lay there panting, sprawled out next to each other, their bodies barely touching. Just their fingertips playing lazily. Patrick turned his head to look at Kevin, who was battling to keep his eyelids open. Too tired even to roll off the wet spot he had created when he'd spurted all over the sheets. He'd literally just collapsed off his knees as Patrick had rolled off him, onto his back.

'I should make you take the condom off and get rid of it, because you still haven't really made up for last night.' Patrick yawned.

'I thought that little comment about your lease was my punishment.' Kevin murmured, his face mostly smushed into the pillow.

'I should have let you stew longer. I let you off the hook too quickly.' Patrick said sadly.

'Don't worry, Patrick. The seconds of terror were enough to last me a life time.' Kevin comforted him. Patrick laughed.

Kevin smiled, then closed his eyes, determined to get back to sleep.

His last thought before drifting off was enough to give him nightmares though. Patrick could joke and tease him and believe he was causing him countless moments of sheer panic, but the joke ultimately was on Patrick, because Kevin dreaded the moving in conversation for one reason only. He worried that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from falling on his knees and begging Patrick to just fucking do it already.

**Part 2 - six months later...**

'Kevin, you fucker!' Patrick shrieked, clutching his heart like a fully fledged damsel in distress. He was going to fucking kill him.

'How many of these damn things do you have?' he turned round to face a laughing Kevin. 'And when the fuck did you get up to put it there?

Not that he'd get an answer. There was never any answer. Life-size cardboard cut-outs of Kevin Costner from the Field of Dreams poster appeared with a randomness that made it impossible to predict or stay on guard. There hadn't been one for well over three weeks, and now, as he was getting up to piss in the middle of the night, there Kevin Costner stood, in all his two-dimensional glory, just outside his bedroom door. Smirking at him. Patrick kicked at the thing and it skittered a few feet across the floor, but it didn't fall. Or break. Stupid high quality piece of crap. Kevin must have paid a fortune for them.

'It's not funny, Kevin. I think I pissed myself this time.' Patrick glared back at Kevin, who only laughed harder at hearing Patrick had actually peed his underpants.

'Babe! I saved you a trip to the bathroom!' Kevin chuckled.

'Ha ha ha.' Patrick laughed sarcastically as he walked past the Kevin he liked more of the two of them at the moment, to finish taking his failed piss in the bathroom. Jesus. He was just going to throw these underpants in the garbage. They were Kevin's anyway. Serve the fucker right if he just put them back in the drawer Kevin kept his stuff in.

'All clean darling?' Kevin asked sweetly as Patrick returned, naked, to bed.

'Seriously. Where are you keeping these? I've checked every closet, behind the bookshelf and the sofa...I don't understand how you're storing it.' Patrick grumbled.

'And I'll never tell.' Kevin mumbled into Patrick's neck as he pulled him back into the cocoon of his arms. Kevin loved spooning. Or at least he loved starting off spooning. Somewhere in the middle of the night he would basically push Patrick away and then react like Patrick was radio-active whenever Patrick got within five inches of him. Which worked just fine in Kevin's huge king size bed, but was a little more challenging in Patrick's more modest queen. Still. They figured it out. Which was just as well since they hadn't spent many nights apart within the past couple of months. Patrick wondered if Kevin had noticed how much more and more of their stuff seemed equally split between the two apartments.

Still, they were able to say with perfect sincerity to all the concerned do-gooders in their lives that no, they were NOT living together. Which seemed to be a really big deal to both the New York contingent and the San Francisco contingent. More so to the San Francisco lot obviously, who were still waiting for Patrick to call them with the news of his freshly disillusioned and broken heart. They really weren't warming up to Kevin at all. Patrick, for the millionth time, cursed his big stupid mouth for running off so badly after their first break up, when he would spend hours ranting to Agustin and Dom about all the ways he'd been blind to Kevin's true character and how he'd let himself be misled and strung along, wanting to believe in the possibility of them...It had been a convenient perversion of the truth. It had made his subsequent need to get the hell out of San Francisco that much more palatable to his loyal friends. But now that had come back to bite him on his ass, since they found his 'change of heart' a little difficult to swallow. Oh well. He was going to have to work on it, but frankly, even if they never accepted Kevin, it wasn't going to change the direction his life was taking. Though it did mean that Kevin visibly shrunk every time he knew Patrick was on the phone to Agustin or Dom, and it also meant Kevin was not going to accompany him out to SF to visit his friends and celebrate Agustin's anniversary. Which was a bummer because he was going to miss Kevin. A lot.

'If I let you put bring 2d Kevin Costner to bed with us, would you come to San Francisco with me next week?' Patrick asked.

Kevin scoffed.

'He has no penis.'

'Yeah but...I could cut a hole in his jeans and fuck you through it, so it would be like me fucking Kevin Costner and Kevin Costner fucking you. Wouldn't that be hot?'

'Good night, Patrick.'

Patrick lay snuggled in Kevin's arms, feeling his hot breath ruffling the hair on the back of his head. He traced little patterns on Kevin's arm.

'What is it?' Kevin asked finally.

'I really wish you'd come with me next week.' Patrick murmured.

Kevin sighed heavily and Patrick almost wished he hadn't brought it up again but...he really wanted Kevin with him. For so many reasons.

'Patrick...' Kevin paused for a moment and Patrick willed himself not to tense up. 'I think it's best you go on your own.'

'Oh god. It's going to be so annoying having to listen to their crap. If you're there they won't...'

'Yeah well maybe it's best you give them a chance to say what they want to say and let them know you're actually listening.'

Patrick lay silently, contemplating the many different meanings he could ascribe to Kevin's words. Fuck it.

'Erm...why?' he asked.

'You know they have your best interests at heart. They wouldn't be badgering you if they didn't think...'

'Hold on.' Patrick squirmed around until he was facing Kevin. 'Is this some sort of test?'

'What do you mean...?'

'You know what I mean. Are you sending me out there alone because you want to see if I cave in? If I let them talk me out of being with you?'

Kevin cleared his throat, looking at a point somewhere over Patrick's shoulder.

'Oh my god. It is. You actually think I'm...'

'Patrick, I just want you to go and enjoy yourself with your friends. And...maybe, listen to what they have to say. You can't keep ignoring them or their doubts or their...'

'I can't believe we're still having this conversation.' Patrick shook his head, bewildered that this familiar subject he had believed dead and buried would be coming up again.

'Look, if I'm there, they won't feel comfortable telling you what they really think and how they really feel, and you'll be all stressed at having to keep everyone happy and end up miserable instead. Believe me, they won't be able to be themselves if I'm around.' Kevin said softly.

'Good. If them being themselves means talking shit about you and treating me like I'm a child then it's better they're not themselves.' Patrick stated.

'You know what?' He continued, warming up to the subject. 'Contrary to what you may believe, I'm not looking for their approval or their blessing. I'm a thirty four year old man, Kevin. I don't need my friends' permission to date whoever the fuck I want to date. And frankly, if they have something to say that they can't say in front of you, I don't want to hear it.' Patrick put two fingers on Kevin's lips to shut him up before he could interrupt.

'I know that the reason they have a low opinion of you is my fault, so I'm giving them some temporary leeway when it comes to letting them have an opinion at all. But as far as I'm concerned, that shit is getting old quickly, and it ends next week. And I'd like to go on vacation with my boyfriend, and have him there with me at the party and at all the drinks and all the other festivities because I believe that's what boyfriends are for. To be able to show off at parties and parade around like a prize.' Patrick smiled as he reached up a hand to stroke Kevin's lovely salt and pepper hair.

'Patrick...'

'You keep saying my name like it's going to change something. I've told you I don't care what they think, and it's time you started believing me. We've been together for months now. Seven really good months. When are you going to stop thinking it's all going to come crashing to an end, Kevin?'

Kevin closed his eyes and leaned his head forward on his pillow so their noses were touching.

'I believe in us. I do. It's just the thought of those guys, and San Francisco, and possibly Richie...'

'I don't think he's coming. He told me he was probably not going to be able to make it.' Patrick whispered.

'Fuuuuuuck.' Kevin exhaled. 'I'm sorry...but I think I hate that place.'

Patrick waited quietly.

'I only had about eight good weeks there. The time from when we were living in your apartment together to when we moved in that day...that was...so good. But the rest of it. Jesus. It's just one long big fucking nightmare and I'm not that keen to go back and relive all the glorious highlights.' Kevin mumbled.

Patrick pulled Kevin into his arms, smashing their bodies as closely together as possible. He rested his head on Kevin's, stuffing his nose in Kevin's neck.

'Come with me and I'll show you the San Francisco I want you to know.' Patrick said, stroking Kevin's back soothingly. 'Let me show you the people I love, the places I remember, the food I crave...I want you to see the real San Francisco as it should have been for you. I spoiled it for you the first time round. Let me fix it. And then it won't ever be a place you have to run from.'

'What if we become those people again?' Kevin asked.

'Kevin, if we are going to be spending our lives together, we can't run from this stuff. It's a city. It doesn't have the power to break us apart if we're solid, just as it didn't have the power to fix us when we weren't.'

Kevin pulled back so he could look at Patrick. Patrick stared back at him, willing Kevin to see how trustworthy and solid he was.

'Is that what we're doing?' Kevin wondered softly. 'Spending our lives together?'

Patrick scoffed, then rolled his eyes.

'If 2d Kevin Costner wasn't enough to drive me away screaming, do you really think there is anything that could? I'm afraid you're stuck with me mister.'

Kevin smiled. That huge smile of his that crinkled his eyes into tiny tiny little slits.

'Sounds good.' He sniffed, nonchalantly.

Patrick leaned forward to kiss him. Hard. Quick.

'If you come to San Franscisco, I'll even have that conversation that you think I keep avoiding and so refuse to bring up.' Patrick cajoled.

Now it was Kevin's turn to roll his eyes.

'You think you're so clever, Patrick Murray. You only want me to come to San Francisco because you know I'll insist on flying business and want to stay in a nice hotel. I'm not sleeping on Agustin's or Dom's couch. Or on some pull out shit. If we're going, we're going to do it in fucking style and on MY terms.'

'And that conversation?' Patrick prodded, mentally running through the arguments he could bring up tomorrow for staying at Doris and Malik's as he'd originally planned.

Kevin's grin faded as he looked at Patrick intensely.

'I've been here before Patrick. My answer never really changed.'

Patrick's confusion must have shown on his face.

'Ready when you are, Patrick Murray.' Kevin clarified.

Patrick grinned.

'Goody. First San Francisco, then more discussions and negotiations. Can't wait.'

'Me neither.' Kevin laughed wryly.

'You know you make me happy, don't you, Kevin Matheson?'

'I hope I do. You know you make me happy too, right?'

'Pfft. Of course I do. I'm fabulous. I'm amazing. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.'

'Tosser.' Kevin sighed, smiling.

'I can be that too.' Patrick grinned, pulling Kevin back towards him and letting his hands roam down to Kevin's soft, sleeping penis.

'Wait...wait.' Kevin stopped his hand and pulled away. 'There's something...I...'

Kevin hesitated, and Patrick became uneasy.

'Listen, if the thought of San Fran...'

'No...it's not that.' Kevin chewed his lip.

'Then what?' Patrick urged. He didn't want there to be any secrets between them. Or any awkwardness. 'You can tell me anything. Anything, Kevin.'

'I really want you to fuck me through a hole in 2d Kevin Costner.' Kevin said softly, his eyes looking lovingly at Patrick's.

'I think I hate you.' Patrick said after a moment's pause. For effect.

'I love you too.' Kevin said, as he grabbed Patrick for a kiss. And kissing while laughing and smiling was always a little harder to do, but it was also one of Patrick's very favorite ways to kiss Kevin, and though it happened more and more these days, it never grew old.

So they kissed for a bit, then wrestled for a bit as Kevin pretended to be getting out of bed to find 2d Kevin Costner and a sharp pair of scissors, and then they played with each other's skin for a bit, each of them mapping out their favorite areas and lingering on the parts that would drive the other one crazy, and then they made love. Which was a strange term for fucking because it involved the same body parts and the same motions, but still felt different. Kevin would say that their neurons and pheromones were in perfect harmony. And Patrick....well...he would have to agree. They were. They really were.


End file.
